The Value of Sponsor Couples

The Value of Sponsor/Mentor Couples...by Rob Ruhnke

I often enough get into conversations about how best to deal with contemporary issues about marriage preparation.

I know how many years I worked to improve large group programs (such as Pre Cana and Engaged Encounter) before coming to the conclusion that it is more effective/efficient to work with couples individually.  While no system is perfect, of course, and this is not to say that large group programs have NO value...yet, the "couple to couple" system continues to validate itself as a better process.  An example is Heidi Hicks and Tony Battle.  They are a couple who would rate as "above average" on every measurable scale....maturity, intelligence, education, family background, spiritual maturity...and they are not burdened by previous marriage, different faith traditions, divorce of parents, etc.  They are the kind of couple who would sail through any marriage prep course, and probably go away saying "it was great."

But AFTER I had dealt with them off and on for the past ten years, and given "convert instructions" personally to Tony (he became a member of the Catholic Church nearly 5 years before he and Heidi became officially engaged), and specifically talked with each of them about the value of prayer.....I sent them to Jerry and Mary Velasquez who were willing to sponsor them.  AFTER their wedding I had Heidi and Tony fill out a written feedback form because I was really curious about what they learned from meeting with Jerry and Mary.  I was prepared for them to say: "The sessions were great...but we pretty much had covered everything before meeting with them."  However, here are the questions I sent, and their answers are in blue:

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Question 1 - Before we met our sponsor couple, what did we think we might get out of the meetings with them?  Did we think we would: Benefit a great deal....benefit some....we were doing this mostly because we were asked to and did not expect to benefit much from the process????
Before we met our sponsor couple, we were nervous.  From talking to other couples who had gone through marriage preparation (not Father Rob's version), we thought this experience would be embarrassing and uncomfortable.  We also felt like we knew everything about one other, so there would be no surprises!

2 - Now that you have met with your sponsor couple, would you say that we got a lot out of the meetings....found it to be of some benefit....we found the experience OK but did not get much from it????
WE GOT A LOT OUT OF OUR MEETINGS.  Not only did we get to become friends with a great couple with whom shared similar values and morals, Tony and I learned things to make our marriage better.  Mary and Jerry have shared ideas with us that will stick with us forever.  They made us a better couple just by being honest and sincere with us.  They are a couple to model our relationship on.  We did find out new things about one another.  Some of the questions in the book are questions that I normally would not thought to ask before, but the answers to these questions are important.  Tony and I were surprised about a few answers, but in a good way!

3 - If you found the experience beneficial, "What has been, for us, the most helpful/beneficial part of meeting with a sponsor couple?"  Is there anything that you are doing differently now because of your meetings with your sponsors?
It has been the most helpful to know that we have couple friends who we can talk openly and honestly with.  They have been through the same issues and things we have.  It is helpful to know that we are normal and other couples have the same problems.  The most important thing Tony and I have learned from our sponsor couple is to pray together.  We never felt comfortable about this before.  Mary and Jerry taught us that praying together is important.  We now say our prayers together every night.

4 - After you are married, do you plan to keep in touch with your sponsors?  Why?
We would definitely like to stay in touch.  They are like an extra support system.  Sometimes you just can't tell your family about problems in your marriage, because they tend to take sides.  Mary and Jerry have never done this and we trust their judgment and advice.
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While I know that one couple's feedback is not scientific proof and it could be argued that this couple is smart enough to tell me what I wanted to hear....I think it would be hard for them to be sure I would be positively impressed that they learned more about prayer from Jerry and Mary rather than from me (after I spend time trying to teach them how to pray).

In my mind, it demonstrates again that the couple to couple format allows for much deeper honesty/vulnerability and the engaged couple is very likely to learn skills (such as: prayer) which were "only theory" prior to their sessions together.  Heidi especially comes from a family that has NO inhibitions about praying and talking about prayer, but it is clear from this feedback that Heidi and Tony were not able to pray together before they "learned" this from Jerry and Mary.  I think that is very significant.  They mention other issues...but I think this is the most outstanding because I know how much prayer was familiar to Heidi and how much I had talked about prayer when giving private instruction to Tony...and how much I had specifically talked about the value of praying together.

But none of that history "taught" Heidi and Tony how to pray together.  It was the sessions with Jerry and Mary that made a significant difference!