Prayer & Marriage...from For Better & For Ever

[This is Chapter 14 of the Catholic edition.]

Mario and Dena were planning a spring wedding. They were meeting with Pastor Ed to discuss all that they needed to be doing to prepare for the wedding. They talked about many different topics and issues, such as, what their families were like, their future plans, their ideas about managing their finances, and ideas about parenting. At one point, Pastor Ed asked them about how they “prayed.” There was a pregnant pause. Both of them had been looking at Pastor Ed when he asked the question. The question caught them off guard. Neither of them was sure how to respond. Each of them hoped the other one would answer the question, or at least say something that would replace the silence that was quickly becoming awkward.

Not all couples are like Mario and Dena. Some understand Pastor Ed’s question about “prayer” as just another topic they expect to be asked about as they prepare for covenant marriage. But the reaction of Mario and Dena is more “typical.”

Why?

“Prayer,” “spirituality,” “dealing with the sacred in life” can be awkward topics because there are not much discussed in contemporary society. Many people consider these topics meaningless or at least not very important. Other people place a great deal of value on prayer/spirituality, but consider this a highly personal and private matter (“between me and God”) and are not comfortable sharing about this with another person.

Another factor is that most of us learned to pray and also to play as children. Although we no longer play in the same way we did as children, we tend to think we “ought” to pray as we did as children. We no longer say “night prayers” as we are tucked into bed. When asked about our “prayer life,” we feel defensive, because we no longer pray in the same way we did when we were children. But most of us are not so sure we know how to pray as an adult.

Preparing for marriage, it is a wonderful opportunity for sharing with the person you love every thing that is important to you and ~ hopefully ~ this would include your personal spirituality and prayer. If you can share this part of your life with your partner, then you can determine together how you can be supportive of one another. If one of you rejects the concept of “prayer” or “God” or “higher power, you can determine together how to respect these differences.

Points for consideration:

1- PRAYER IS “REAL.”

Examining love by scientific method is impossible. Yet every wise person knows that love is real. Prayer is equally difficult to get hold of by any kind of scientific method. Yet ~ for people of faith ~ in the same way that love is real, so also prayer is real. A simple way to put it is to say that prayer is any way we spend time with God as our Father/Friend/Lover or acknowledge a “higher power.”

2 -THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT WAYS TO PRAY.

As adults we know that we communicate in many different ways, i.e., by words, gestures, or actions which express feelings such as, love, fear, alienation, hope, passion, etc. Any kind of communication ~ even negative or violent communication ~ affects our relationships with others. So also, we can relate to God (higher power) in many different ways, and we can think of all these as forms of prayer.

3 - RATED R - FOR ADULTS ONLY.

Labeling this section “Rated R - For Adults Only” might seem odd, but children will simply not understand this section.

Children are surely “lovable” (able to be loved). We teach children “to love,” and many children can be very “loving” toward others. However, this “love” of childhood is only a stage of getting us ready to grow toward adult “love,” which involves the ability to risk giving ourselves to another who has the power to accept/affirm or reject/abandon us. Children are not capable of adult love, because they have not yet developed the ability to be self reflective and understand their inner selves. The continuing question of adolescents is “Who am I?” Even most young adults are still trying to answer this question. Until I have an accurate understanding of “Who am I?”, I am not capable of sharing my self with another person. I am not capable of adult “love.” Children can share “things;” only adults know what it means to share one’s “self.”

If I am capable of “adult love,” I know from personal experience that the question ~ “How much do I love another person?” ~ is best answered by measuring the degree to which I have shared my deepest hopes, dreams, fears and anxieties with that person. If I am willing to risk sharing inner realities that cause me to feel vulnerable, I am doing my part to help us establish a truly intimate relationship. Note: It is true intimacy when both of us are equally committed to sharing our personal inner world with each other, and learning about the inner world of each other. If only one person actually does this, it is not a relationship of equals! This is why true intimacy is an ongoing challenge: a person can only choose to share his/her self, no one can control or force the sharing of another person. It is possible ~ after years of thinking they knew each other ~ for a couple to discover that one or both of them did not know how to share this inner world.

If you have read this far, I hope it will make sense to say that “adult prayer” is whatever I do that is an attempt to “share myself” with God (higher power) and whatever I do in an effort to “listen” to God (higher power) sharing with me. Let me offer some examples:

· “Prayer” might take place in a church. Taking part in a worship service may “fit” with my desire to express my gratitude for God’s continuing gifts of life and love to me (“give us this day our daily bread...”) or my yearning for forgiveness and healing (“forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...”).

· “Prayer” might take place in the car. While sitting in a traffic jam on the way home from a frustrating day at work, nearly in tears, hating the traffic, asking “God, help me not to go crazy today” may be the best way to pray.

· “Prayer” might be a sob of fear and anger and frustration. “Oh, God, I hate this!”, as I sit alone in the dark, waiting for my partner, not knowing why he or she has not called to let me know what is going on.

· “Prayer” might be a feeling of tremendous joy and satisfaction. “Thank you, Lord!”, as I listen to my partner share news about a job promotion.

· “Prayer” might be a time of anger. On hearing about a good friend being killed in a car accident, “having it out” with God for allowing such a tragedy might be most appropriate. Jews and Christians have used the ancient, but ever contemporary, Psalms to articulate a whole range of feelings, for example:

Why, O Lord, do you reject me;

why hide from me your face?

I am afflicted and in agony....

Companion and neighbor you

have taken away from me;

my only friend is darkness.

(Psalm 88:15,19)

The basic point here is that every “adult prayer” is a way of being myself with God (higher power), sharing what is happening in my heart.

4 - LEARNING TO “LISTEN.”

Besides learning how to share myself with God (higher power), the other part of prayer is learning to “hear” what God (higher power) has to say to me. This is not so easy because most of us will never “hear” a voice or a sound that we can verify by any kind of scientific instrument. In addition, we must be very careful to avoid confusing “God’s voice” with our own ideas. When someone says, “The Lord told me to do this or that...,” it is more likely that the person is making the best decision that he or she knows how to make and is hoping that it is what God (higher power) would want. God (higher power) is more likely to respond to our questions for direction by lovingly listening and then speaking a “word” of silence which asks, “What do you think is the most loving decision you can make?”

The more spiritually mature we become, the more we are likely to “say” less and “listen” more. In the same way that married couples who have loved each other for many years tend to talk less, and just appreciate being with each other in silence, so also the most mature prayer tends to be a way of simply “being quiet” with the Lord (the sacred). Most people have heard the story about the old man who used to come and sit in the church, and much of the time he slept while he sat there. The pastor asked him one day, “What do you do all that time you sit there in the church?” The old man said, “Well, I just sit there, and He looks at me.”

5 - SHARING PRAYER WITH YOUR PARTNER.

The idea of “sharing” prayer can be intimidating. Since most people have learned that prayer is very “private and personal,” the idea of “sharing” prayer sounds like something that ought not to be done. However, this is another indication of the fact that we learned about prayer as children, and now we need to “rethink” prayer as an adult.

One way to “rethink” our ideas about prayer is to reflect upon our ideas about sex. When we were children, they taught us that “sex” was something very “private and personal.” They taught us that we were not to expose our bodies to other people and they instructed us to make sure that other people respected the privacy of our bodies. These very strict rules were important for us as children, because we were not mature enough to understand the full meaning of sex. We were not able to understand that sexual intercourse finds its fullest meaning as an act of giving one’s very self as completely as possible to one’s partner in marriage. Only as adults, therefore, can we understand that in marriage sexual intercourse is more than merely “permitted,” we promote it as a special symbol of marital commitment.

When people taught us about prayer as children, and told us it was “private and personal,” they were teaching us something important. They were instructing us that ~ even as children ~ we could develop our own very real relationship with God (higher power). We did not need other people to make God (higher power) “real” for us.

Unfortunately, as children, we probably got some of these ideas about “private and personal” mixed up. They were not teaching that God (higher power) was my friend exclusively, nor were they teaching me not to share my friendship with God with other people. Nevertheless, many people think this way as adults. Many people, who are quite comfortable sharing their bank accounts and sexual intimacy with their partner, think it is not appropriate to “share” their relationship with God (higher power) with their partner. Even if they can “rethink” their ideas and see that including God (higher power) as a third party to their love relationship is a normal part of covenant marriage, they often have no idea about how to do this.

So...consider these ideas:

Start with simple things.

If you attend worship together, this is an easy way to “pray together.” You can think your own private thoughts during worship, but at the same time you can be aware that you are doing this with your partner. The more you think about this, the more you can experience this simple form of “sharing prayer” as a ritual that has real impact on your relationship. The next step is to talk together ~ outside of worship ~ about what it means to each of you to attend worship together. This conversation will be a step in learning how to “share” not only prayer, but also your faith.

Another simple form of shared prayer is to hold hands and pray together before each meal you share.

Of course, you can pray without holding hands, but holding hands has some real advantages. Try it both ways and see how holding hands adds something to the experience. When you are comfortable doing this as a couple, sharing this way of praying with your children will be easy. Holding hands during meal prayers is great for children. It gives them something to do with their hands and helps teach them that prayer is a way of connecting to others.

What to say?

They taught us to “say prayers” as children. This was, in fact, the only way we could have learned to pray as small children. Prayer formulas are also useful for adults. Faith traditions use standard prayer formulas during public worship because that is best way for large groups of people to profess their Faith and pray together as brothers and sisters. However, praying as an adult, by myself or with the members of my family, usually means letting go of prayer formulas and learning to speak to God (higher power) “in our own words” like I would speak to a friend in a letter ~ just saying what is on my mind.

Turning to God when you are unable to turn to your partner.

Only the most naive couples believe that they will always be able to “work things out” with each other. Every married couple will experience situations in which one or both of them will find it impossible to deal with the other person. This will happen even in the best marriages, and when it does, it is predictable that one or both of them will turn to someone or something. It might be a friend or family member, or it might be a stranger or bar tender or therapist, or it might be alcohol or drugs or an “affair.”

Talking things out with a friend who cares about both you and your partner, or seeking the help of a clergy person or professional therapist, is more likely to be helpful. But try to remember to also turn to God (higher power) in time of need, and pray that your partner makes the same decision. Many couples can witness to the fact that this helped them find their way back to each other. Wise couples avoid either/or thinking. It is not a question of choosing psychological therapy or prayer; more likely, prayer will provide the motivation to search out a therapist as well.

Sharing prayer with your partner.

Sharing prayer with one’s partner is difficult for most people. Many couples have never done this before, and do not even know a married couple who does this! It is at least as scary as deciding to climb a mountain if you have never done that before. Fearing the unknown is normal. Still, if you admit this fear to each other, you have already taken the first step in dealing with this fear. Sharing your fear and awkwardness is a good way to start learning how to do something new together. The book “When Couples Pray Together” by David and Jan Stoop has been a wonderful resource for couples who are trying to learn how to pray together.

A reality that every couple will encounter ~ even if you are confident about the concept of praying together ~ is the vulnerability you will feel when you risk prayer together regularly. Praying together may seem easier in the “good times,” but will probably become most important in the “bad times.” Learning to ask forgiveness of each other and learning to bring your deepest fears and needs into your efforts to pray together can be challenging. Yet, this is likely to be the most important “marriage insurance policy” you will ever develop.

My most treasured memory about prayer in marriage came from a conversation with an older man whose wife had died a few years before. He said, “I think I miss her most when I go to bed at night. About 20 years ago we attended a retreat for married couples and learned a simple way to pray together. Each night, when we got in bed, we would hold hands and pray the “Lord’s Prayer” together. At the end of the prayer, I would ask pardon for any hurts I had caused her that day, and she would do the same. For the last 20 years of our marriage we were closer than ever before. I went to sleep each night feeling I was truly forgiven. I really miss this now.”

Questions for Reflection & Dialogue

1 - When I think of myself praying, my feelings are ______________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

2 - My favorite form of prayer is ______________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

3 - I tend to pray when ______________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

4 - Daily prayer is something that I ____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

5 - I would say that my style of prayer is: (choose one) similar to / different from the way that I

prayed as a child. For example, I ______________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

6 - My biggest difficulty in praying is __________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

7 - If I were to rate the importance of prayer and Scripture study in my life, I would say __________

____________________________________________________________________________________

8 - If I were to give myself a “grade” as a praying person, I think it would be ________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

because ____________________________________________________________________________

9 - I (choose one) have / have not made efforts to pray with my partner. I would say that our

efforts at prayer together have been ____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

10 - We have tried the following forms of prayer together: ________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

11 - What are my thoughts and feelings about prayer and Scripture study in our marriage? ______

____________________________________________________________________________________

12 - What is my understanding of private, personal prayer and how do I see myself doing this?

____________________________________________________________________________________

FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS FOR 3 MONTHS INTO MARRIAGE

1 - In the past 3 months, my efforts at personal prayer have been __________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

2 - Our efforts to pray as a couple have been ____________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

3 - Praying at meals has been ________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS FOR 6 MONTHS INTO MARRIAGE

1 - Our prayers at meals have been ____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

2 - Our efforts to pray as a couple have been ____________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

3 - How has Scripture reading become part of my/our spirituality? ____________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

4 - My best efforts to pray have been __________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________