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San Antonio Discovers For Better and For Ever

Newspaper Article by Becky Whestone Schmidt

SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS
Thursday, November 13, 1997
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Health & Fitness
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Becky Whetstone Schmidt

GET OUTTA THAT LOVE TRANCE AND THINK IT OVER

The Rev. Robert A. Ruhnke lives near downtown San Antonio in a home with five other priests - all of whom are members of a
Catholic religious order known as the Redemptorists.

Last week when I wrote about marrying for the right reasons, Ruhnke sent in his views on love and how almost every marriage
can be saved.

But wait - what would a 57-year-old guy who has lived a celibate life in a religious community for almost 30 years know about stuff like that?

"Marriages have trouble with emotional intimacy, and so do religious orders," says Ruhnke.  "We have to learn to share. And we
can joke about it, but it's the same struggles people have in marriage that we have in religious community life."

He's right, of course.

Ruhnke does know what he's talking about because he's studied the subject for more than 20 years, has counseled more than 400
couples contemplating marriage, and has even written a book about it: - "For Better and Forever".

And guess what? Ruhnke agrees that men and women in the midst of a love trance are not capable of logical romantic decisions.

"Almost no one chooses a mate based on conscious choice or sound logic," he says.

Yes! But Ruhnke says he has developed a way to get couples to view such a decision realistically.

"This is best done in private sessions with a sponsor couple," he says. "That is, a married couple that is willing to be very candid
about their own struggle to learn how to deal with the realities of life and relationship beyond the stage of being ‘in love.' "

The idea is to get the new couple to examine what they hope to achieve by getting married, what their goals are, and whether they
have the motivation and skills to build the kind of marriage they're both looking for.

Great idea! But Ruhnke says he borrowed the concept from someone else.

"The best resource to learn more about all of this is Harville Hendrix's book "Keeping the Love You Find, A Guide for Singles," he says.
Ruhnke says that Hendrix's theories on relationships teach that every person who marries is going to be radically different from his or her spouse in critical ways.

"That's why a good marriage is NOT the result of having located a compatible mate," he says.  "Rather the art of marriage is to
learn how to be married to a person who is forever radically different in important ways."

Ruhnke says couples need to understand that marriage is not about compatibility - it's about learning to get along.

"I often hear people say: 'My partner and I are not compatible,' and they're offering this as a reason why they should end their
marriage," he says. "But the fact is that this is the normal dynamic of every intimate relationship."

Ruhnke counsels couples of all faiths, and can be reached by calling 534-1129.  Also, his email address is on his Web page at www.marriagepreparation.com.
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For More Information Contact:

Marriage Preparation Resources
1617 Iowa Street, San Antonio, TX 78203
Tel: 210-534-1129

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Last modified: October 30, 2008