How to set up the Program in your church.
Training video 2 - How to set up the program in your church.
If you are marriage educator, adapt to your setting.
INTRODUCTION
WHAT
MAKES THIS SUCH A GREAT PROGRAM.
STEP ONE: DOING IMPORTANT
GROUNDWORK.
STEP TWO: SETTING UP A PROCESS FOR
DEALING WITH ENGAGED.
STEP THREE: RECRUITING COUPLES
TO BE TRAINED AS SPONSORS.
HOW MANY SPONSOR COUPLES ARE
NEEDED?
WHAT IF YOU DO NOT
RECRUIT / TRAIN ENOUGH SPONSOR COUPLES?
A PLAN FOR RECRUITING.
STEP FOUR: A PLAN FOR
TRAINING & SUSTAINING SPONSOR COUPLES.
LEADERSHIP / TASKS TO BE DONE.
BUDGET.
CONCLUSION.
·
The information that follows is for church leadership persons.
We encourage you to adapt this information to meet the needs
of your specific church community.
·
In addition to the information in this video/DVD, you will find
additional assistance on our web site at
www.marriagepreparation.com.
Click on the title “Free Stuff” and you will find a listing
of documents which will provide more detailed information on
things we will mention only briefly in this video/DVD presentation.
1) Resources for using
For Better and For Ever.
·
Click > Resources for
[Resources
for Sponsors/Pastors]
You will find Explanation of
Key Concepts
of For Better & For Ever.
This is an in-depth commentary on the
content
of the chapters of For Better
and For Ever for the benefit of church leaders and
sponsor couples.
·
You will also find more detailed suggestions for setting up and
promoting the use of sponsor couples and
For Better and For Ever
program in your church. You will even find the written text
of this video/DVD presentation.
(So there is no need to try to take notes as you listen to
this video/DVD!)
return to top
·
The For Better and
For Ever
program is a
new approach
to marriage preparation.
·
Until now, marriage preparation programs have been designed “for
engaged couples only,” who participated in these programs a few
weeks or months before their wedding.
The programs were a kind of “finishing school” to make sure
that couples had indeed considered all the right questions and
looked at all the important issues prior to making their official
commitment to one another and the Christian community.
·
The problem is that the social changes of the past century have made
it more and more difficult for couples to
know
what Christian marriage is
and to know
whether they have the skills they will need
to sustain a life-long commitment to each other and to create a
healthy family for their children.
Many couples today spend months, sometimes years, trying their best
to decide if they are ready for marriage.
The fact that more and more couples are living together
before they marry may indicate that they are trying ~ in their
own way ~ to determine whether they are capable of the commitment of
Christian marriage.
Yet, until now, the Church has not designed resources for couples to
use
for learning the skills they will need to be successful in marriage
and which could help them determine their readiness for Christian
marriage.
·
For Better and
For Ever
is designed to fill this need.
For Better and For
Ever is a workbook which provides
information about what
Christian marriage is and describes the skills needed to
sustain it.
It offers
questions for personal
reflection and dialogue together which couples can us to
determine their readiness for the commitment of Christian marriage.
The questions
are designed to be
answered in writing by each person…then
the couple can
share their answers in dialogue with each other.
·
This process of self-directed study, writing the answer to
questions, and private sharing with one another, enables
couples to take responsibility ~ as mature adults ~ for sorting
through all the important topics and issues of marriage and
parenthood before they make final decisions about marriage.
·
In addition to the information in the books, the footnotes and
resource section refer to more in-depth material that can be found
on the Internet at
www.marriagepreparation.com.
·
Some dating couples who have used
For Better and For Ever
decided to postpone their wedding plans.
And some decided they were NOT suited for one another and
ended their relationship!!!
·
When a couple
does decide to marry,
they use For Better & For
Ever to prepare for their meetings with their pastor and, later,
with a sponsor couple.
STEP ONE.
·
As a first step in setting up the program, before recruiting and
training sponsor couples, the pastor and church staff plan how
to make For Better and
For Ever
available to couples as soon
as they are seriously thinking about marriage, preferably
before they get engaged.
This is accomplished by:
1 - Making periodic pulpit announcements.
2 - Printing information in church bulletins.
The couples you are trying to reach may NOT be in church to
hear these announcements or read the bulletin, but this information
will get to parents and relatives who can pass on this information
to family members. Most
bulletins have a statement, such as,
“Marriage: Contact the pastor 6 months in advance”…but
we advise writing:
“Contact
the church office for a packet of information about preparing for
Christian marriage and planning your wedding. Study this information
even before you get engaged!”
3 – Providing special meetings at the church for singles,
dating/engaged couples ~ and anyone who is interested.
These meetings will provide information about “How to
schedule and prepare for a wedding in our church!”
At these meetings, people are given packets of information
which will include For Better
and For Ever, and are given an opportunity to ask any questions
they have about the marriage preparation program or planning a
wedding.
[REMEMBER more information on web site!]
4 – Packets of information about “How to schedule and prepare
for a wedding in our church!” will include copies of
For Better and For Ever,
and are made available at the church office for singles, dating
couples and anyone who wants to learn more about Christian marriage.
·
When a couple is ready to set their wedding date, they contact the
pastor.
This is usually a phone
call to the church office or maybe they meet the pastor face to face
after Sunday worship.
Hopefully the pastor will respond to their request in a positive and
inviting manner.
Depending upon the situation (in front of church or on the phone),
and depending upon whether the pastor already knows the couple, the
pastor may ask a number of clarifying questions…such as, whether
either of them has been married before, whether they are both
baptized, and so forth.
·
The pastor will then explain that
the engaged couple is expected to prepare for their meeting
by using the For Better and
For Ever books. If
they do not already have the books, they can get them from
the church office or they can request that the church
secretary mail the books to them.
·
The pastor then instructs the couple to “follow the directions on
page 7”…this means that
they study the specific chapters listed for study prior to
their meeting with the pastor, write their answers to the
questions and spend time sharing/discussing their answers
with one another.
·
After they have completed
this “homework,” then they are to call the pastor (again) to
set up a date/time to meet.
·
This process of having couples do “homework”
before
they meet with the pastor is an effective way to “teach” the engaged
couple the importance of self-directed study and dialogue together
to prepare for their meetings with the pastor.
This process also prepares the engaged couple to do the same
kind of self-directed study and “homework” to prepare their sessions
~ later ~ with their sponsor couple.
·
The meetings between the engaged couple and the pastor will vary a
great deal from one pastor to another.
However, the critical task of every pastor is to determine
that the couple’s desire to be married in the church is an
appropriate request.
If there is any doubt about this, the pastor must deal with
this BEFORE passing the couple on to a sponsor couple.
Sponsor couples are not trained to deal with couples
whom the pastor thinks are
not suited for Christian marriage.
Note: The pastor will
need to consider other resources, such as professional therapists,
for tending to couples about whom the pastor has serious concerns.
·
When the pastor completes the meetings with the engaged couple,
three things are established:
1 – The pastor has affirmed the couple’s decision to marry in the
church.
2 – The pastor has agreed to officiate at their wedding.
3 – The pastor and the couple have agreed upon
a specific marriage
preparation program that the engaged couple will complete prior
to their wedding.
·
For most couples, the pastor will direct them to complete their
marriage preparation by meeting with a sponsor couple.
This will offer them a unique opportunity to continue their
“journey” into Christian marriage with a married couple who will
help them focus on specific questions, issues and skills that may
need more attention.
·
Since they do not know what to expect of the sponsors, most engaged
couples will have some anxiety about meeting with their sponsors.
That is normal.
Experience has proven that most engaged couples will find the
experience very worthwhile.
·
In addition, sponsor couples consistently say that the time spend in
preparing for the sessions with the engaged couples and sharing with
the engaged couples provides
enrichment to their own marriage.
·
Pastors ~ while they set up the
For Better and For Ever
program to help those preparing for marriage ~ are grateful to see
this positive benefit to the marriages of the sponsor couples.
Though the pastor will continue to have important
responsibilities toward engaged couples, it will be sponsor couples
of the church who will be doing the most important part of this
ministry. And these
married couples will be doing this ministry
not at the church, but
in their homes where the
discussions about marriage become more real and practical.
·
Remember, many of the engaged couple have been away from the church
for some time. Part of
the design of the For Better and
For Ever
program is to provide an experience by which the engaged couple is
welcomed into the home of a
Christian family because ~ if they feel welcome to be there ~
they are likely to begin
feeling “at home” in the church where the sponsor couple worships.
·
The information that follows is designed to give you ideas and
direction. We are
confident that you can adapt this information to meet the needs of
your particular congregation.
·
Remember to check the web site at
www.marriagepreparation.com > “Free Stuff” for a number of
documents which you can copy and use in any way you find useful.
·
This program is designed for church communities large and small.
Whether it’s a congregation of 1000-plus members or a small
community of less than 100, this program can be adapted to fit your
church community.
·
In small communities that have only one or two weddings per year,
the pastor can select one or two married couples to “journey” with
those preparing for marriage without spending a great deal of energy
setting up an elaborate marriage preparation program. The For
Better and
For Ever
workbooks and the accompanying videos will be their main resource.
·
Larger church communities that have many weddings per year will need
more sponsor couples and a structure for matching sponsor couples to
the engaged couples.
·
How to get started with recruiting and training? …..The
First Step is to determine how many sponsor couples you need.
The For Better and
For Ever
program relies on sponsor couples who are volunteers from
your church congregation. You will need an adequate number of
volunteers for your program to operate efficiently.
If you do not have enough volunteers you will end up having
too few sponsor couples trying to meet the needs of too
many engaged couples.
How do you decide how many sponsor couples you will need?
·
Here is the guideline that works well.
Recruit and train one sponsor couple for every two engaged
couples who will marry in your church this year.
If your church is like most, you will be able to estimate the
number of upcoming weddings based on the number of weddings in
recent years. If church
records show that there were about 20 weddings in your church during
each of the past two years, take that number “20” and divide by 2…to
arrive at 10.
You want to recruit and train 10 sponsor couples.
(Note: This guideline takes into account that some of the
couples who marry in your church may go through marriage preparation
somewhere else and will not require the services of your sponsor
couples. On the other
hand, your sponsor couples may be asked to assist some engaged
couples who may be getting married somewhere else.)
·
So, this goal of 10 sponsor couples will work.
If your numbers are accurate then each of the 10 sponsors
will be matched to two engaged couples during the course of
the year. This is a reasonable expectation. If you get more engaged
couples than you expected, the sponsor couples are not overloaded,
and you can usually find a few sponsors who are willing to assist
another couple. If you
end up with fewer weddings than you had planned for, all the sponsor
couples will have at least one opportunity to provide this
ministry.
·
What happens if you end up with many
more
or many
fewer
engaged couples than you expected?
Both of these situations can be of some concern, especially
when you are getting the program established.
But there is no need for panic, here is what you need to
know…..
·
IF YOU HAVE
TOO MANY ENGAGED COUPLES AND NOT ENOUGH SPONSORS.
Since this could
happen, we strongly recommend
that ~ before you begin to recruit and train sponsor couple
~ the pastor and those involved in marriage preparation agree to
this critical policy, namely:
OUR CHURCH WILL PROVIDE
SPONSOR COUPLES FOR SOME, BUT NOT NECESSARILY ALL, OF THE COUPLES
WHO ARE PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE.
This is important because
sponsor couples must
be promised during their training for this ministry that they will
NOT be asked to sponsor more than two couples per year.
The only exception to this promise is when a sponsor couple
volunteers to
sponsor an additional couple. Then, if your church is suddenly
swamped with more engaged couples than you had planned for
or if your effort to
recruit and train sponsor couples falls short of the 10 couples your
were planning for, you already have a policy for dealing
with the situation.
·
What happens to those preparing for marriage who do not get paired
up with a sponsor couple?
The pastor and church staff will need to look
to other marriage preparation programs to deal with these couples.
[If you need information about other ways to provide marriage
preparation, we suggest that you contact Fr. Ruhnke directly.
You can find his email address and phone number on the web
site at
www.marriagepreparation.com.]
·
The key point here is that you can begin the sponsor couple
program with a limited number of sponsor couples (even just
one or two or three) as long
as you keep your promise that you will not overuse them.
Once you have the program up and running, you will likely
find it easier to recruit more married couples because the word will
get around that this ministry is easy to do, is beneficial
to the sponsor couples, and no one is overworked because the
church leaders keep their promise about not overusing sponsor
couples.
·
IF YOU HAVE TOO MANY
SPONSORS AND NOT ENOUGH ENGAGED COUPLES.
If you do not have
enough engaged couples, then your sponsor couples do not have anyone
to see and you may then end up losing trained couples that could
have been a benefit to your program.
This is a good reason to follow the guideline about selecting
and training sponsor couples based on the actual needs of the
congregation. If
the history suggests that you need about 10 sponsor couples, there
is no point in training 20 or 30.
However, if you end up with more sponsor couples than you
really need you have a wonderful luxury of informing your sponsors
that you will only need them to ministry to one engaged
couple in the course of a year….(at
least this year!)
·
Once the sponsor couple program is well established, you want to
continue recruiting and training new couples.
No matter how many you have, you will want to ask more and
more married couples to become part of the program because it
will be such a benefit to their marriage.
The more experienced sponsors will understand that you want
to give the newest sponsor couples the experience of sponsoring.
They will be willing to “graduate” to the status of
sponsoring less often and serving as support to the less
experienced sponsors
OR
assisting the pastor in
tending to the needs of engaged couples who may have special needs.
A PLAN FOR RECRUITING THE MARRIED COUPLES.
·
Selecting Potential Sponsor Couples In Your Church Community:
When you begin, it
is essential that the pastor be the key promoter
of the marriage preparation program and primary recruiter.
This gives a strong and clear message to the whole church
community that this program is a real priority (which has the active
support of the pastor).
After your program is well established, the pastor can delegate more
responsibility for recruiting to experienced sponsor couples and
other members of the church staff.
·
Pulpit announcements
by the pastor, and additional information printed each week in
the
church bulletin,
are effective ways to inform the community that you need married
couples to help with this new and important ministry to assist
couples preparing for marriage.
Public announcements, especially when made by the pastor, are
critical for establishing the value and importance of the program.
Some couples may respond to these general invitations and
offer their services.
·
Most couples, however, are likely to respond because they received a
personal invitation
from the pastor.
Here’s how it’s done.
In a small community where only a handful of sponsor couples
are needed, the pastor can draw up a list of couples who would be
good for this ministry. He can speak to them face to face after
Sunday worship or talk with them on the phone.
·
If it is a larger community or if the pastor is new to the
community, here is a more structured process which you can adapt to
your particular church:
1) Make a list.
The pastor, pastoral staff and marriage preparation
volunteers (if there are any) work together to draw up a list of
couples to be recruited personally.
This allows a number of people to suggest the names of
couples to add to the list.
Another benefit of having a written list is that it
offers an opportunity to screen the prospects. For example, someone
might recognize a name and suggest that a particular couple might
not be a good choice, at this time, because they need to care for a
dying parent.
2) Who should be put on the list?
A simple but useful thought to keep in mind is:
“Which couples have the healthiest marriages in our church
community?” Other criteria include:
A – Couples who responded to the pulpit and bulletin invitations.
B – Couples who usually participate in the worship services together
(and with their children) and are also active in some other ministry
of the church. (How
they already function in a
ministry can give useful insight into how they will relate to
couples preparing for marriage.)
C – Then think about couples who are not involved in the
activities of the church.
This may be the ministry they would be willing to do.
Remember, since sponsor couples host the meetings in their
homes it does not require them to leave their children or get
baby sitters. Also,
they can schedule the meetings to fit their own very busy lifestyle
(which might keep them from taking part in other church activities).
The pastor may not know much about these couples, but perhaps
others on the church staff know them personally or have observed how
they treat one another in public.
If they “appear” to have a good marriage, that could
be a good indication that they’ll do well in this ministry.
D – It is natural to think of established couples who have been
married a number of years and have the experience of being parents.
But couples who have been married only a few years may
also be effective sponsor couples.
They have less experience of marriage ~ they may not yet be
parents ~ but they are closer to the experience of those who are
preparing for marriage.
Another reason to consider younger married couples is that they may
benefit even more from the responsibility of sponsoring.
The experience of sponsoring may be the best way for young
married couples to sharpen their own marital skills and keep them on
the right track during the critical early years of their marriage.
E. Also look for
couples who share different faith traditions and have
developed healthy experiences of dealing with this challenge. They
will be especially valuable for sponsoring engaged couples who come
from different faith traditions.
F.
By the way, we would assume that you would make sure that all the
couples you recruit to be sponsor couples are in “valid” marriages
by the standards of the Church.
3) Keep working on your recruiting list until you have
more names than are needed,
because some couples are likely to decline the invitation.
Here is a useful rule to follow: If you want 10
sponsor couples to serve 20 engaged couples, then make a recruiting
list of at least 20 or more married couples.
If all 20 of them say, “Yes, they’ll participate,” you will
easily be able to manage this wonderful “problem,” since they will
each sponsor only one couple per year.
A
- Set a date for a Training Session.
Choose a date that is most convenient for most folks.
A Saturday
session is ideal because it will allow you to plan a 3 - 4 hour
training session…starting in mid-morning and ~ with a lunch break ~
going to mid-afternoon.
A second choice could be a Sunday afternoon
~ beginning after Sunday worship.
A weekday evening is not recommended because it limits
you to too little time…although it might be the only way to
training one or more couples who cannot be free to attend a training
on Saturday or Sunday.
B – Assign each name on the list to a person who will personally
invite a couple to the training session. The more personal the
invitation, the better:
Talking with couples “face to face,” writing them a personal letter,
talking with them on the phone, and even using email are all good
possibilities. See the
web site “Free Stuff” for sample recruiting letters and bulletin
inserts which you can adapt to your church community.
·
Over the years we have approached many couples. Here are some of the
responses we have gotten.
1.
“We are surprised you asked us. Do you think we would be good at
this?”
Affirm them as a couple and encourage them to sign up for training!
2.
“I’m not sure our marriage is good enough for this”
Let them know what is expected and reassure them that a “perfect
marriage” is not what we are looking for.
Tell them:
“We thought the same about ourselves before our pastor asked us to
help with this ministry, and it has been a very good experience for
us.”
3.
“Yes, we might be
interested. We’ve thought about doing this ministry, but we need to
think more about this.”
Give (or send) them some material and plan to give them a follow up
call.
4.
“Let us go away and talk about it and we’ll get back to you.”
Make sure
you
follow up with them (even though they did not ask you to do this).
If you don’t, they may think you changed your mind about
wanting their help.
5.
“No, we are not interested.
We are too busy with other commitments.”
Ask them if you can approach them in the future when they might be
less busy.
·
Here’s one important point to consider when approaching potential
sponsor couples. Most couples are flattered when they are asked to
be sponsor couples.
Even if they decline the invitation, the fact that you asked them
conveys a message that you think they have something positive to
offer as a couple. It makes them feel important, respected and
wanted. It plants a
seed for the future, and they might say “Yes” when you ask them
again in another year or two.
Never assume that a “no” now means “never in
the future.”
(Some other things to consider when approaching couples:)
·
Something to keep in mind when approaching couples.
You will want to stress the program is designed to make
things easier for both the sponsor couple and the engaged couple.
Meetings can be scheduled to accommodate busy lives.
Yet you do not want to down play the seriousness of the
commitment.
Some couples may be available to sponsor only rarely because of
their particular commitments.
They might be able to sponsor only one or 2 couples during a
timeframe of 2 or 3 years…but that could be a big help if they are
committed to
doing the ministry well.
·
Once you begin the recruiting process, someone (perhaps the church
secretary) needs to keep track of the responses.
1. Some couples will say “yes”
to being sponsors and that they will also attend the training.
Put them on list #1!
2. Some couples will say “yes,
but we will not be able to attend the scheduled training session.”
Keep track of them for a future session or perhaps a “make
up” session. This is
list #2.
3. Some couples will say,
“We cannot do this now, but contact us again next year (or
whenever).”
Hold onto those names!
This is list #3.
4. Some couples may say,
“No”…but
in a way that you decide to put their names on a list for asking
again in the future.
This is list #4.
5. Some couples say
“No, and don’t ask us again.”
You respect that…list #5.
·
It is important to file all of this information because it
will used in future efforts to recruit and train additional sponsor
couples. Names on the 5 lists we spoke about previously will
eventually be put on one of the following lists:
-
Active
(already trained) sponsor couples
-
Those who have agreed to be sponsor couples but have
not yet been trained
-
Those who have declined the invitation
temporarily
-
Those who have declined the invitation
permanently
-
You will also want to keep track of the active sponsor couples
who move away or cease to be active for some reason.
This information is important for continuing the program into the
future.
·
Because you have be asking the couples you have been recruiting
to attend a training session on a specific date, go ahead
with the training session
even if the number of couples who have say yes is less
than what you had hoped for.
Remember that if the number of couples who said
yes
is less than you had hoped for, it is still enough couples to
train them and to begin the sponsor couple program.
You may not be able to
provide a sponsor couple for every engaged couple during the
first year (or more), but at least the program is underway.
STEP FOUR: A PLAN FOR TRAINING AND SUSTAINING SPONSOR COUPLES.
·
Once you have recruited married couples, you want to
train them to be the best
sponsor couples they can be.
Remember, couples who accept the invitation to be sponsor
couples already have
the two of the most important requirements for being successful
sponsor couples:
1 - They have the
life experience of making a Christian marriage work.
2 – They are
glad they are married.
But in addition to these elements, they also need
training.
And the training needs to take into account that not
all couples need the same kind of training.
For example:
1. Some married couples have
excellent intuition about how to function as sponsors (perhaps
because they have had professional training or previous experience
as teachers or leaders).
With a little instruction about
For Better and For Ever,
some couples can take home the
For Better and For Ever
books and the video/DVD “How married couples learn to be
sponsors/mentors for engaged couples” and
train themselves
to begin working with engaged couples.
2. Other couples may need much
more direction from the parish leaders.
Your program should accommodate
both kinds of couples.
·
In addition, your plan for training couples will depend upon the
size of your program and the number of new couples needing training.
The larger the group of couples you are going to train, the
more formal and structured you need to be.
You can use all or part of these videos as the basis of your
training. They are designed for that purpose.
·
When training larger groups more organization is required.
Here is a list of things to provide:
- name tags
- A copy of For Better and
For Ever
for each person
- a copy of the “Discussion Questions” (from the web site) for each
couple
- paper and pens for note taking.
- snacks (perhaps even a lunch).
- decide whether to provide baby sitting.
- a plan for showing certain sections of these videos.
- an official welcome from the pastor, who leads an Opening Prayer,
and stays as long as possible (in view of other commitments the
pastor may have).
·
We begin the training session by explaining the
structure of the program
and the role of the sponsors.
-
We explain that the pastor meets with the engaged couple
first, and then ~ when the pastor has decided they are ready to
meet with a sponsor couple ~ they are passed on to their
sponsors. We stress
that the pastor will pass on to the sponsors
only those engaged couples that the pastor has approved for
Christian marriage.
This does not mean that the couple is perfect or has no
issues to deal with; nor does the decision of the pastor
guarantee that the couple will be successful in Christian
marriage. It only means
that the pastor does not think there is any clear legal or
spiritual reason that the church should refuse their request to
enter Christian marriage.
It is
never the responsibility of the sponsors/mentors to
determine whether or not the couple should be getting married in
the church.
-
The role of the sponsor couple is to “assist” or “coach” or
“journey with” the engaged couple through the final steps of
marriage preparation
(this is also written about in Appendix B of For Better and
For Ever
and explained in Video #1 – Sponsor Couple Training).
-
We then go on to talk about the fact that each couple present at
the training session is different from each other couple, and
that each sponsor couple will have particular gifts/talents to
contribute to the program.
Couples differ in: how many years they have been married,
number of children, family background, economic status,
education, personalities, and so forth.
But all of these differences are a plus for the program
because it “proves” that there are different kinds of
healthy marriages.
-
We walk them through each step of how they are notified about
a couple who needs to be sponsored (you are given the names
& phone number & and significant information about the couple by
the pastor or coordinating couple), how they get in touch
with the couple (usually you call them on the phone), and
how they set up the first meeting with the engaged couple…this
will include talking about the homework they need to do in
preparing for this first meeting
(the engaged couple will need to talk with one another about
this, so it may take another phone call if you are
talking with only her or him)
-
We go over the Table of Contents of For Better and
For Ever,
pointing out the key topics and issues….including, Family of
Origin, Communication, How Christian marriage is distinct from
civil marriage, Finances, etc.
The Key Concepts, which can be copied & printed
from the web site, contains much of this information.
-
We spend some time discussing the first night as addressed in
the first video and explain the importance of
praying
with the engaged couple and how to do that.
-
We explain the importance of reading the workbook and complete
the exercises themselves.
-
We answer any questions they have.
-
We prefer to finish up the training by actually giving them the
name of an engaged couple who will be the first couple they will
sponsor! We may not have
names of engaged couples for all the newly trained sponsor
couples, but being able to assign the names of even one or two
couples adds positive excitement at the end of the training
experience. It makes ALL
of the couples aware that they need to get ready do the actual
work of sponsoring.
·
These videos are designed to help you develop a training process
that will best fit the needs of your church.
As you become familiar with them, you will determine how best
to use them. In
addition, there are the “Key Concepts” and the “Discussion
Questions” on the web site, plus other information to assist with
the training of sponsor couples.
·
TRAINING IS AN ON-GOING PROCESS.
After the first training session, the recruiting efforts for
additional couples should begin.
Typically, the training is done once a year, though it
could be done more often. We
usually schedule the training session for a Saturday because a 3-5
hour format provides much more opportunity to work closely with new
sponsor couples.
However, we have trained on a weekday evening when we had only one
or two couples who could not meet with us on a Saturday.
These videos will make it possible to be flexible and
creative in determining how to train prospective sponsor couples.
Remember that some couples may find that using the books
and the videos on their own time,
in their home, may be an adequate method of training.
This could be especially helpful in training couples that are
unable to attend the formal training sessions offered at the church.
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LEADERSHIP / TASKS TO BE DONE.
·
Providing On-going Leadership & Direction for the Program: In this
section we will explore a number of leadership roles that we believe
are important for sustaining a successful program, especially if you
have a very active program that provides this ministry to many
engaged couples each year.
·
Leadership Roles For A Successful Program:
If your congregation has only a few weddings each your, one
or two couples can probably tend to all of these tasks.
If you deal with many engaged couples each year, you will
want to spread out these tasks/responsibilities with as many as 5 or
more couples….and determine how the lead couple (the Coordinating
Couple) will be selected.
-
Coordinating Couple:
The pastor passes the names of the engaged couples to the
Coordinating Couple.
This couple “matches” sponsor couples with the engaged couples.
They usually phone the
engaged couple to let them know that a sponsor couple will
contact them. They also
contact a sponsor couple and provide them with information that
the pastor gave them about the couple (their age, whether there
was a previous marriage, whether they share the same faith
tradition, and any other details that may be important).
They use this same information, by the way, to determine
which sponsor couple might be a good “match” for the engaged
couple.
-
Recruiters:
Help select additional sponsor couples.
Depending on the number of sponsor couples you need, you
may want several people to take on this task.
This is an on-going task because there will always be a
turnover of sponsor couples (some will move away, others will
become unavailable for various reasons) and even if they all
remain active, you want to give additional couples the
opportunity to become sponsors because it will be so good for
their marriages.
-
Training Facilitators:
The training facilitators
train new sponsor couples.
-
Meeting Facilitator Couple:
Because sponsor couples work independently from their homes,
there is little chance for your marriage preparation team to
meet as a group. Therefore, this couple
sets up a meeting for all the sponsor couples each spring and
fall.
·
These meetings have two purposes:
o
They provide an opportunity for sponsors to share useful ideas for
improving their sessions
with engaged couples.
o
They can provide
enrichment/education for the sponsor couples’ own marriage
relationship.
·
The presence/participation of the pastor is very important.
Make sure this meeting fits the pastor’s schedule so the
pastor can be there to greet the sponsor couples and lead an Opening
Prayer for the meeting.
The pastor’s personal support is critical for maintaining the
excellence of this program.
·
Yearly recommitment.
The fall or spring meeting is a time for every couple to make
(even sign) a personal commitment to serve in this ministry
for another year.
(Couples who are not able to attend this meeting need to be
contacted personally by the Coordinating Couple to get their
commitment clarified.)
Having couples make this yearly commitment allows for couples
to withdraw from the program ~ temporarily or permanently ~ in a
healthy manner (by opting to not renew their yearly commitment).
·
These meetings are ideal opportunities to share with the whole group
that one or more of the experiences couples will be taking on more
specialized tasks. One
or more couples might “graduate” to working more closely with the
pastor in tending to couples who want to marry but have special
needs…for example, a sponsor couple who has experience in dealing
with alcoholism could be ideal for dealing with an engaged couple
who needs to tend to this issue.
5. Events Coordinator Couple: Your church may hold a
special service,
recognizing and blessing both those preparing for marriage
and the sponsor couples. It can be done once or several times
each year (so that every couple preparing for marriage will be
included in this ceremony prior to their marriage). The Events
Coordinator Couple may also organize a special dinner for
engaged couples and/or newly married couples each year.
(Role Recap)
·
Let’s recap the tasks that should be considered for a successful
marriage preparation ministry. They are:
1. Coordinating Couple
(ad lib a re-cap of each of the following)
2. Recruiters
3. Training Facilitators
4. Meeting Facilitator Couple
5. Events Coordinator Couple
·
While each task we spoke about before is important, the
leadership team may decide to have some couples “double up” and
“co-chair” some of the duties.
For example, the Coordinating Couple might also help with the
training of new sponsor couples.
And all the members of the leadership team might be
assigned to help with recruiting new sponsor couples.
Sharing the responsibilities will lighten the load for
everyone.
·
Developing A Budget For Your Program: The pastor will advise the
Coordinating Couple (or the leadership team) about how to prepare a
budget for the sponsor couple program and have it approved by the
church financial committee.
·
What EXPENSES need to be considered when drawing up a budget?
1. The packet of materials that
the church will provide for dating and engaged couples.
This packet could include two copies of
For Better and For Ever
(one for each person), a booklet on Natural Family Planning, and the
policies of the church for scheduling a wedding and using the church
facilities.
2. Sponsor couples training
expenses. This
would include: Copies of For
Better and For Ever (2 books for each couple), training videos,
food/snacks/drinks, babysitting costs, etc.
3. Costs of meetings for sponsor
couples which are held in the fall and spring.
4. Special events costs for
engaged couples and/or newly married couples: cake/punch/coffee/baby
sitting/hall rental/ etc.
5. Wise pastors will encourage sponsor
couples to take part in continuing education/formation events by
paying for their registration fees and travel expenses.
·
What about INCOME? The
pastor and the church finance board will determine whether those
preparing for marriage will be expected to pay for marriage
preparation (and, if they are, how much).
Even if the church has sufficient sources of income so that
all the expenses of the marriage preparation program could be
managed without charging the engaged couples, it may be wise to ask
those preparing for marriage to pay a fee for the “use of the
church” with the explanation that this fee includes some (if not
all) of the expenses of their marriage preparation program.
This policy can be
made flexible so that it can be waved or reduced for couples who are
in financial need.
·
The benefits of this policy (of expecting the engaged couples to pay
something) are:
1. It provides the church with some
amount of income which can help cover the costs of maintaining the
marriage preparation program.
2. Most couples spend a tremendous
amount of money on their wedding, and it is a good idea to have them
pay something for marriage preparation because there is a tendency
for most people to value what
they have to pay for.
3. By the way, if the engaged are
expected to pay, the fee is collected at the church office (by the
secretary). Sponsor
couples are never
expected to collect these fees.
Also, sponsor couples are
never paid for their
services by the church; they
are always volunteers!
·
The budget can provide the congregation with a clear picture of both
the expenses and the income (if any).
Like every ministry of the church, providing quality programs
costs $$$$.
·
When the pastor (or whoever) goes before the congregation to explain
the yearly budget ~ and asks the members of the church for their
generosity in providing the necessary financial support
~ most people will be GLAD to
hear that the church budget includes a significant amount for
marriage preparation and marriage enrichment.
This is a very specific way to demonstrate that the church
leaders are serious about the project of reducing number of divorces
by providing better support for couples as they prepare for the
commitment of Christian marriage.
·
This training video was
designed to help you create the best possible marriage preparation
you can offer.
·
Setting up a program for introducing dating and engaged couples to
the For Better and For Ever
workbook and providing them with the opportunity to have a sponsor
couple journey with them
toward the commitment of Christian marriage is a
major decision for the
pastor, the professional staff, and the volunteer leaders of the
church. We want to be
clear and honest in saying that recruiting and training
sponsor couples ~ and maintaining the program as a quality program ~
will require a serious and
on-going commitment from the pastor, the church staff and the
volunteers who serve as sponsor couples.
There is no short cut to setting up a quality program.
·
However, the positive and enthusiastic feedback from thousands of
sponsor/couples ~ and the
married couples they have guided ~ makes us confident that the
members of your church will be equally pleased that your pastor and
church staff decided to put the necessary time and energy into
setting up the sponsor couple program.
·
Take the time to train your sponsor couples well, and affirm their
efforts, and you will reap the reward of healthier Christian
marriages. And then we
will see the tragedy of divorce begin to decline in our church
communities.