INTRODUCTION
WHAT MAKES THIS SUCH A GREAT PROGRAM.
STEP ONE: DOING IMPORTANT GROUNDWORK.
STEP TWO: SETTING UP A PROCESS FOR DEALING WITH ENGAGED.
STEP THREE:
RECRUITING COUPLES TO BE TRAINED AS SPONSORS.
HOW MANY SPONSOR COUPLES ARE NEEDED?
WHAT IF YOU DO NOT RECRUIT / TRAIN ENOUGH SPONSOR COUPLES?
A PLAN FOR RECRUITING.
STEP FOUR: A PLAN FOR TRAINING & SUSTAINING SPONSOR COUPLES.
LEADERSHIP / TASKS TO BE DONE.
BUDGET.
CONCLUSION.
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INTRODUCTION
·
The information that follows is for church
leadership persons. We encourage you
to adapt this information to meet the needs of your specific church community.
·
In addition to the information in this
video/DVD, you will find additional assistance on our web site at
www.marriagepreparation.com.
Click on the title “Free Stuff” and you will find a listing of
documents which will provide more detailed information on things we will
mention only briefly in this video/DVD presentation.
1) Resources for using
For
Better and For Ever.
·
Click >
Resources for [Resources
for Sponsors/Pastors]
You
will find Explanation of
Key
Concepts of For Better
& For Ever. This
is
an in-depth commentary on the content
of the chapters of For Better and For
Ever for the benefit of church leaders and sponsor couples.
·
You will also find more detailed suggestions for setting
up and promoting the use of sponsor couples and
For
Better and For Ever program in your church. You will even find the written
text of this video/DVD presentation. (So there is no need to
try to take notes as you listen to this video/DVD!)
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WHAT MAKES THIS SUCH A GREAT PROGRAM
·
The
For Better and
For Ever
program is a
new approach to marriage preparation.
·
Until now, marriage preparation programs have
been designed “for engaged couples only,” who participated in these
programs a few weeks or months before their wedding.
The programs were a kind of “finishing school” to make sure that
couples had indeed considered all the right questions and looked at all the
important issues prior to making their official commitment to one another and
the Christian community.
·
The problem is that the social changes of the
past century have made it more and more difficult for couples to
know
what Christian marriage is and to know
whether
they have the skills they will need to sustain a life-long
commitment to each other and to create a healthy family for their children.
Many couples today spend months, sometimes years, trying their best to decide if
they are ready for marriage. The
fact that more and more couples are living together before they marry may
indicate that they are trying ~ in their own way ~ to determine whether they are
capable of the commitment of Christian marriage.
Yet, until now, the Church has not designed resources for couples to use
for
learning the skills they will need to be successful in marriage and which could
help them determine their readiness for Christian marriage.
·
For Better and
For Ever
is designed to fill this need.
For Better and For Ever is a
workbook which provides information about what
Christian marriage is and describes the skills needed to sustain it.
It offers questions for personal reflection
and dialogue together which couples can us to determine their readiness for
the commitment of Christian marriage.
The
questions are
designed
to be answered in writing by each person…then the couple
can
share their answers in dialogue with each other.
·
This process of self-directed study,
writing
the answer to questions, and private sharing with one another,
enables couples to take responsibility ~ as mature adults ~ for sorting through
all the important topics and issues of marriage and parenthood before they
make final decisions about marriage.
·
In addition to the information in the books,
the footnotes and resource section refer to more in-depth material that can be
found on the Internet at www.marriagepreparation.com.
·
Some dating couples who have used
For
Better and For Ever decided to postpone their wedding plans.
And some decided they were NOT suited for one another and ended their
relationship!!!
·
When a couple
does
decide to marry, they use
For Better & For Ever to prepare for their meetings with their pastor
and, later, with a sponsor couple.
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STEP
ONE: DOING IMPORTANT GROUNDWORK.
·
As a
first step in setting up the program, before recruiting and training sponsor
couples, the pastor and church staff plan how to make
For
Better and
For Ever available to
couples as soon as they are seriously
thinking about marriage, preferably before they get engaged.
This is accomplished by:
1 - Making periodic pulpit announcements.
2 - Printing information in church bulletins.
The couples you are trying to reach may NOT be in church to hear these
announcements or read the bulletin, but this information will get to parents and
relatives who can pass on this information to family members.
Most bulletins have a statement, such as,
“Marriage: Contact the pastor 6 months in advance”…but we
advise writing:
“Contact
the church office for a packet of information about preparing for Christian
marriage and planning your wedding. Study this information even before
you get engaged!”
3 – Providing special meetings at the church
for singles, dating/engaged couples ~ and anyone who is interested.
These meetings will provide information about “How to schedule and
prepare for a wedding in our church!” At
these meetings, people are given packets of information which will include
For
Better and For Ever, and are given an opportunity to ask any questions they
have about the marriage preparation program or planning a wedding.
[REMEMBER
more information on web site!]
4 – Packets of information about “How to
schedule and prepare for a wedding in our church!” will include copies of
For
Better and For Ever, and are made available at the church office for
singles, dating couples and anyone who wants to learn more about Christian
marriage.
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STEP
TWO: SETTING UP A PROCESS FOR DEALING WITH ENGAGED COUPLES.
·
When a
couple is ready to set their wedding date, they contact the pastor.
This is usually a phone call to the church
office or maybe they meet the pastor face to face after Sunday worship.
Hopefully the pastor will respond to their request in a positive and
inviting manner. Depending upon the
situation (in front of church or on the phone), and depending upon whether the
pastor already knows the couple, the pastor may ask a number of clarifying
questions…such as, whether either of them has been married before, whether
they are both baptized, and so forth.
·
The pastor will then explain that
the
engaged couple is expected to prepare for their meeting by using the
For
Better and For Ever books. If
they do not already have the books, they can get them from the church
office or they can request that the church secretary mail the books to
them.
·
The pastor then instructs the couple to
“follow the directions on page 7”…this means that
they
study the specific chapters listed for study prior to their meeting with
the pastor, write their answers to the questions and spend time sharing/discussing
their answers with one another.
·
After
they have completed this “homework,” then
they are to call the pastor (again) to set up a date/time to meet.
·
This process of having couples do
“homework” before they
meet with the pastor is an effective way to “teach” the engaged couple the
importance of self-directed study and dialogue together to prepare for their
meetings with the pastor. This
process also prepares the engaged couple to do the same kind of self-directed
study and “homework” to prepare their sessions ~ later ~ with their sponsor
couple.
·
The meetings between the engaged couple and the
pastor will vary a great deal from one pastor to another.
However, the critical task of every pastor is to determine that the
couple’s desire to be married in the church is an appropriate request.
If there is any doubt about this, the pastor must deal with this BEFORE
passing the couple on to a sponsor couple.
Sponsor
couples are not trained to deal with couples whom the pastor thinks are
not
suited for Christian marriage.
Note:
The pastor will need to consider other resources, such as professional
therapists, for tending to couples about whom the pastor has serious concerns.
·
When the pastor completes the meetings with the
engaged couple, three things are established:
1 – The pastor has affirmed the couple’s decision
to marry in the church.
2 – The pastor has agreed to officiate at their
wedding.
3 – The pastor and the couple have agreed upon
a
specific marriage preparation program that the engaged couple will complete
prior to their wedding.
·
For most
couples, the pastor will direct them to complete their marriage preparation by
meeting with a sponsor couple.
This will offer them a unique opportunity to continue their “journey”
into Christian marriage with a married couple who will help them focus on
specific questions, issues and skills that may need more attention.
·
Since they do not know what to expect of the
sponsors, most engaged couples will have some anxiety about meeting with their
sponsors. That is normal.
Experience has proven that most engaged couples will find the experience
very worthwhile.
·
In addition, sponsor couples consistently say
that the time spend in preparing for the sessions with the engaged couples and
sharing with the engaged couples provides
enrichment to their own marriage.
·
Pastors ~ while they set up the
For
Better and For Ever program to help those preparing for marriage ~ are
grateful to see this positive benefit to the marriages of the sponsor couples.
Though the pastor will continue to have important responsibilities toward
engaged couples, it will be sponsor couples of the church who will be doing the
most important part of this ministry.
And
these married couples will be doing this ministry
not
at the church, but in their homes
where the discussions about marriage become more real and practical.
·
Remember, many of the engaged couple have been
away from the church for some time. Part
of the design of the For Better and
For
Ever program is to provide an experience by which
the engaged couple is welcomed into the
home of a Christian family because ~ if they feel welcome to be there ~
they are likely to begin feeling “at home” in the church where the
sponsor couple worships.
·
The information that follows is designed to
give you ideas and direction. We are
confident that you can adapt this information to meet the needs of your
particular congregation.
·
Remember to check the web site at
www.marriagepreparation.com
> “Free Stuff” for a number of documents which you can copy and use in
any way you find useful.
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STEP THREE: RECRUITING THE MARRIED COUPLES WHO WILL
BE TRAINED TO BE SPONSOR COUPLES.
·
This program is designed for church communities
large and small. Whether it’s a congregation of 1000-plus members or a small
community of less than 100, this program can be adapted to fit your church
community.
·
In small communities that have only one or two
weddings per year, the pastor can select one or two married couples to
“journey” with those preparing for marriage without spending a great deal of
energy setting up an elaborate marriage preparation program. The For Better
and
For
Ever workbooks and the accompanying videos will be
their main resource.
·
Larger church communities that have many
weddings per year will need more sponsor couples and a structure for matching
sponsor couples to the engaged couples.
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HOW
MANY SPONSOR COUPLES ARE NEEDED?
·
How to
get started with recruiting and training? …..The
First Step is to determine how many sponsor couples you need.
The For Better and
For
Ever program relies on sponsor couples who are volunteers
from your church congregation. You will need an adequate number of volunteers
for your program to operate efficiently.
If
you do not have enough volunteers you will end up having too few sponsor
couples trying to meet the needs of too many engaged couples.
How do you decide how many sponsor couples you will need?
·
Here is the guideline that works well.
Recruit and train one sponsor couple for every two engaged
couples who will marry in your church this year.
If your church is like most, you will be able to estimate the number of
upcoming weddings based on the number of weddings in recent years.
If church records show that there were about 20 weddings in your church
during each of the past two years, take that number “20” and divide by
2…to arrive at 10. You want
to recruit and train 10 sponsor couples.
(Note: This guideline takes into account that some of the couples who
marry in your church may go through marriage preparation somewhere else and will
not require the services of your sponsor couples.
On the other hand, your sponsor couples may be asked to assist some
engaged couples who may be getting married somewhere else.)
·
So, this goal of 10 sponsor couples will work.
If your numbers are accurate then each of the 10 sponsors will be matched
to two engaged couples during the course of the year. This is a
reasonable expectation. If you get more engaged couples than you expected, the
sponsor couples are not overloaded, and you can usually find a few sponsors who
are willing to assist another couple.
If
you end up with fewer weddings than you had planned for, all the sponsor couples
will have at least one opportunity to provide this ministry.
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WHAT IF YOU DO NOT RECRUIT
/ TRAIN ENOUGH SPONSOR
COUPLES?
·
What happens if you end up with many
more
or many fewer engaged couples
than you expected? Both of these
situations can be of some concern, especially when you are getting the program
established. But there is no need
for panic, here is what you need to know…..
·
IF YOU HAVE
TOO
MANY ENGAGED COUPLES AND NOT ENOUGH SPONSORS.
Since this could happen, we
strongly
recommend that ~ before you begin
to recruit and train sponsor couple ~ the pastor and those involved in
marriage preparation agree to this critical policy, namely:
OUR
CHURCH WILL PROVIDE SPONSOR COUPLES FOR SOME, BUT NOT NECESSARILY ALL, OF THE
COUPLES WHO ARE PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE.
This
is important because sponsor couples
must
be promised during their training for this ministry that they will
NOT
be asked to sponsor more than two couples per year.
The only exception to this promise is when a sponsor couple
volunteers to sponsor an additional couple. Then, if your
church is suddenly swamped with more engaged couples than you had planned for
or if your effort to recruit
and train sponsor couples falls short of the 10 couples your were planning for,
you
already have a policy for dealing with the situation.
·
What happens to those preparing for marriage
who do not get paired up with a sponsor couple?
The pastor and church staff will need to look
to
other marriage preparation programs to deal with these couples.
[If you need information about other ways to provide marriage
preparation, we suggest that you contact Fr. Ruhnke directly.
You can find his email address and phone number on the web site at
www.marriagepreparation.com.]
·
The key
point here is that you can begin the sponsor couple program with a limited
number of sponsor couples (even just one or two or three)
as
long as you keep your promise that you will not overuse them.
Once you have the program up and running, you will likely find it easier
to recruit more married couples because the word will get around that this
ministry is easy to do, is beneficial to the sponsor couples, and
no one is overworked because the church
leaders keep their promise about not overusing sponsor couples.
·
IF YOU
HAVE
TOO MANY SPONSORS AND NOT ENOUGH ENGAGED COUPLES.
If you do not have enough engaged couples, then your sponsor couples
do not have anyone to see and you may then end up losing trained couples that
could have been a benefit to your program.
This
is a good reason to follow the guideline about selecting and training sponsor
couples based on the actual needs of the congregation.
If the history suggests that you need about 10 sponsor couples, there is
no point in training 20 or 30. However,
if you end up with more sponsor couples than you really need you have a
wonderful luxury of informing your sponsors that you will only need them to
ministry to one engaged couple in the course of a year….(at
least this year!)
·
Once the sponsor couple program is well
established, you want to continue recruiting and training new couples.
No matter how many you have, you will want to ask more and more married
couples to become part of the program because it will be such a benefit to
their marriage. The more
experienced sponsors will understand that you want to give the newest sponsor
couples the experience of sponsoring.
They
will be willing to “graduate” to the status of sponsoring less often
and serving as support to the less experienced sponsors
OR
assisting the pastor in tending to the
needs of engaged couples who may have special needs.
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A PLAN FOR RECRUITING
THE MARRIED COUPLES.
·
Selecting
Potential Sponsor Couples In Your Church Community:
When you begin, it is essential that the
pastor be the key promoter of the
marriage preparation program and primary recruiter. This
gives a strong and clear message to the whole church community that this program
is a real priority (which has the active support of the pastor).
After your program is well established, the pastor can delegate more
responsibility for recruiting to experienced sponsor couples and other members
of the church staff.
·
Pulpit
announcements by the pastor, and additional
information
printed each week in the church bulletin, are effective ways to inform the community that
you need married couples to help with this new and important ministry to assist
couples preparing for marriage. Public
announcements, especially when made by the pastor, are critical for establishing
the value and importance of the program.
Some
couples may respond to these general invitations and offer their services.
·
Most couples, however, are likely to respond
because they received a personal
invitation from the pastor.
Here’s
how it’s done. In a small
community where only a handful of sponsor couples are needed, the pastor can
draw up a list of couples who would be good for this ministry. He can speak to
them face to face after Sunday worship or talk with them on the phone.
·
If it is a larger community or if the pastor is
new to the community, here is a more structured process which you can adapt to
your particular church:
1)
Make a list.
The pastor, pastoral staff and marriage preparation volunteers (if there
are any) work together to draw up a list of couples to be recruited personally.
This allows a number of people to suggest the names of couples to add to
the list. Another benefit of having
a written list is that it offers an opportunity to screen the prospects.
For example, someone might recognize a name and suggest that a particular couple
might not be a good choice, at this time, because they need to care for a dying
parent.
2)
Who should be put on the list?
A
simple but useful thought to keep in mind is:
“Which couples have the healthiest marriages in our church
community?” Other criteria include:
A
– Couples who responded to the pulpit and bulletin invitations.
B
– Couples who usually participate in the worship services together (and with
their children) and are also active in some other ministry of the church.
(How they already function in a
ministry can give useful insight into how they will relate to couples
preparing for marriage.)
C
– Then think about couples who are not involved in the activities of
the church. This may be the ministry
they would be willing to do. Remember,
since sponsor couples host the meetings in their homes it does not
require them to leave their children or get baby sitters.
Also, they can schedule the meetings to fit their own very busy lifestyle
(which might keep them from taking part in other church activities).
The pastor may not know much about these couples, but perhaps others on
the church staff know them personally or have observed how they treat one
another in public. If they
“appear” to have a good marriage, that could be a good indication
that they’ll do well in this ministry.
D
– It is natural to think of established couples who have been married a number
of years and have the experience of being parents.
But couples who have been married only a few years may also be
effective sponsor couples. They have
less experience of marriage ~ they may not yet be parents ~ but they are closer
to the experience of those who are preparing for marriage.
Another reason to consider younger married couples is that they may
benefit even more from the responsibility of sponsoring.
The experience of sponsoring may be the best way for young married
couples to sharpen their own marital skills and keep them on the right track
during the critical early years of their marriage.
E.
Also look for couples who share different faith traditions and
have developed healthy experiences of dealing with this challenge. They will be
especially valuable for sponsoring engaged couples who come from different faith
traditions.
F.
By
the way, we would assume that you would make sure that all the couples you
recruit to be sponsor couples are in “valid” marriages by the standards of
the Church.
3)
Keep working on your recruiting list until you have
more names than are needed, because some couples are likely to
decline the invitation. Here is a
useful rule to follow: If you want 10
sponsor couples to serve 20 engaged couples, then make a recruiting list of at
least 20 or more married couples.
If
all 20 of them say, “Yes, they’ll participate,” you will easily be able to
manage this wonderful “problem,” since they will each sponsor only one
couple per year.
4)
If you have a difficult time getting enough names on the recruiting list
(perhaps because your church has a large number of weddings each year), the
pastor and those involved in marriage preparation need to agree to remember the
policy:
Our church will provide sponsor couples for some, but not necessarily
all, of the couples who are preparing for marriage.
If you decide in the beginning that your church is going to provide a
highly
effective program (and that is the only good reason to do all the work of
recruiting and training sponsor couples), then you also want to decide from the
very beginning that you will always respect this policy and never abuse the
sponsor couples by over-using them.
Remember, there are other ways to minister to the engaged couples for whom you do
not have sponsors/mentors. With this
in mind, you decide to move to the next step (of contacting the couples on your
list), even if your recruiting list is shorter than what you had hoped for.
It is better to go ahead and contact and train this shorter list of
couples and get the program going than to wait until you have all the couples
you will ever need.
If
you spend too long trying to recruit all the couples you will ever need, you may
become discouraged and never get the program started!
You can always recruit and train more couples in the future,
and that will be easier if you already have the program going.
5)
Here’s what to do when the recruiting list is ready:
A
- Set a date for a Training Session.
Choose a date that is most convenient for most folks.
A Saturday session is
ideal because it will allow you to plan a 3 - 4 hour training session…starting
in mid-morning and ~ with a lunch break ~ going to mid-afternoon.
A second choice could be a
Sunday
afternoon ~ beginning after Sunday worship.
A weekday evening is not recommended because it limits you to too
little time…although it might be the only way to training one or more
couples who cannot be free to attend a training on Saturday or Sunday.
B
– Assign each name on the list to a person who will personally invite a
couple to the training session. The more personal the invitation, the
better: Talking with couples “face
to face,” writing them a personal letter, talking with them on the phone, and
even using email are all good possibilities.
See the web site “Free Stuff” for sample recruiting letters and
bulletin inserts which you can adapt to your church community.
·
Over the years we have approached many couples.
Here are some of the responses we have gotten.
1.
“We
are surprised you asked us. Do you think we would be good at this?”
Affirm them as a couple and encourage them to sign up for training!
2.
“I’m
not sure our marriage is good enough for this”
Let them know what is expected and reassure them that a “perfect marriage”
is not what we are looking for.
Tell
them:
“We
thought the same about ourselves before our pastor asked us to help with this
ministry, and it has been a very good experience for us.”
3.
“Yes,
we might be interested. We’ve thought about doing this ministry, but we need
to think more about this.” Give (or send)
them some material and plan to give them a follow up call.
4.
“Let
us go away and talk about it and we’ll get back to you.”
Make sure you follow up with
them (even though they did not ask you to do this).
If you don’t, they may think you changed your mind about wanting their
help.
5.
“No,
we are not interested. We are too busy with other commitments.”
Ask
them if you can approach them in the future when they might be less busy.
·
Here’s one important point to consider when
approaching potential sponsor couples. Most couples are flattered when they are
asked to be sponsor couples. Even if
they decline the invitation, the fact that you asked them conveys a message that
you think they have something positive to offer as a couple. It makes them feel
important, respected and wanted. It
plants a seed for the future, and they might say “Yes” when you ask them
again in another year or two. Never
assume that a “no” now means “never in the future.”
(Some other
things to consider when approaching couples:)
·
Something to keep in mind when approaching
couples. You will want to stress the
program is designed to make things easier for both the sponsor couple and the
engaged couple. Meetings can be
scheduled to accommodate busy lives. Yet
you do not want to down play the seriousness of the commitment.
Some couples may be available to sponsor only rarely because of their
particular commitments. They might
be able to sponsor only one or 2 couples during a timeframe of 2 or 3
years…but that could be a big help if they are committed to
doing
the ministry well.
·
Once you
begin the recruiting process, someone (perhaps the church secretary) needs to
keep track of the responses.
1.
Some couples will say “yes”
to being sponsors and that they will also attend the training.
Put them on list #1!
2.
Some couples will say “yes,
but we will not be able to attend the scheduled training session.”
Keep track of them for a future session or perhaps a “make up”
session. This is list #2.
3.
Some couples will say,
“We
cannot do this now, but contact us again next year (or whenever).”
Hold onto those names! This
is list #3.
4.
Some couples may say,
“No”…but
in a way that you decide to put their names on a list for asking again in the
future. This is list #4.
5.
Some couples say
“No,
and don’t ask us again.” You
respect that…list #5.
·
It is important to file all of this
information because it will used in future efforts to recruit and train
additional sponsor couples. Names on the 5 lists we spoke about previously will
eventually be put on one of the following lists:
- Active
(already trained) sponsor couples
- Those who have agreed to be sponsor
couples but have not yet been
trained
- Those who have declined the
invitation temporarily
- Those who have declined the
invitation permanently
- You will also want to keep track of
the active sponsor couples who move away or cease to be active for some
reason.
This
information is important for continuing the program into the future.
·
Because you have be asking the couples you
have been recruiting to attend a training session on a specific date,
go ahead with the training session
even if the number of couples who
have say yes is less than what you had hoped for.
Remember that if the number of couples who said
yes
is less than you had hoped for, it is still enough couples to train
them and to begin the sponsor couple program.
You
may not be able to provide a sponsor couple for every engaged couple during
the first year (or more), but at least the program is underway.
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·
Once you have recruited married couples, you
want to train them to be the best
sponsor couples they can be. Remember,
couples who accept the invitation to be sponsor couples
already
have the two of the most important requirements for being successful sponsor
couples:
1
- They have the life experience of
making a Christian marriage work.
2
– They are glad they are married.
But
in addition to these elements, they also need
training. And the
training needs to take into account that not
all couples need the same kind of
training. For example:
1.
Some married couples
have excellent intuition about how to function as sponsors (perhaps because they
have had professional training or previous experience as teachers or leaders).
With a little instruction about For
Better and For Ever, some couples can take home the
For
Better and For Ever books and the video/DVD “How married couples learn to
be sponsors/mentors for engaged couples” and
train
themselves to begin working with engaged couples.
2.
Other couples
may need much more direction from the parish leaders.
Your program should accommodate
both
kinds of couples.
·
In addition, your plan for training couples
will depend upon the size of your program and the number of new couples needing
training. The larger the group of
couples you are going to train, the more formal and structured you need to be.
You can use all or part of these videos as the basis of your training.
They are designed for that purpose.
·
When training larger groups more organization
is required. Here is a list of
things to provide:
-
A copy of For Better and
For Ever for each person
-
a copy of the “Discussion Questions” (from the web site) for each couple
-
paper and pens for note taking.
-
snacks (perhaps even a lunch).
-
decide whether to provide baby sitting.
-
a plan for showing certain sections of these videos.
-
an official welcome from the pastor, who leads an Opening Prayer, and stays as
long as possible (in view of other commitments the pastor may have).
·
We begin the training session by explaining the
structure of the program and the
role
of the sponsors.
- We explain that the pastor meets
with the engaged couple first, and then ~ when the pastor has decided they
are ready to meet with a sponsor couple ~ they are passed on to their
sponsors. We stress that the
pastor will pass on to the sponsors
only
those engaged couples that the pastor has approved for Christian marriage.
This does not mean that the couple is perfect or has no issues to
deal with; nor does the decision of the pastor guarantee that the couple
will be successful in Christian marriage.
It only means that the pastor does not think there is any clear legal
or spiritual reason that the church should refuse their request to enter
Christian marriage. It is
never the responsibility
of the sponsors/mentors to determine whether or not the couple should be
getting married in the church.
-
The
role of the sponsor couple is to “assist” or “coach” or “journey
with” the engaged couple through the final steps of marriage preparation
(this is also written about in Appendix B of For Better and
For
Ever and explained
in Video #1 – Sponsor Couple Training).
- We then go on to talk about the
fact that each couple present at the training session is different from each
other couple, and that each sponsor couple will have particular
gifts/talents to contribute to the program.
Couples
differ in: how many years they have been married, number of children, family
background, economic status, education, personalities, and so forth.
But all of these differences are a plus for the program because it
“proves” that there are different kinds of healthy marriages.
- We walk them through each step of
how
they are notified about a couple who needs to be sponsored (you are
given the names & phone number & and significant information about
the couple by the pastor or coordinating couple), how they get in touch
with the couple (usually you call them on the phone), and how they
set up the first meeting with the engaged couple…this will include talking
about the homework they need to do in preparing for this first meeting
(the engaged couple will need to talk with one another about this, so it may
take another phone call if you are talking with only her or him)
- We go over the Table of Contents of
For Better and
For Ever, pointing out
the key topics and issues….including, Family of Origin, Communication, How
Christian marriage is distinct from civil marriage, Finances, etc.
The Key Concepts, which can be copied & printed from the
web site, contains much of this information.
- We spend some time discussing the
first night as addressed in the first video and explain the importance of
praying
with the engaged couple and how to do that.
- We explain the importance of
reading the workbook and complete the exercises themselves.
- We answer any questions they have.
- We prefer to finish up the training
by actually giving them the name of an engaged couple who will be the first
couple they will sponsor! We may
not have names of engaged couples for all the newly trained sponsor couples,
but being able to assign the names of even one or two couples adds positive
excitement at the end of the training experience.
It makes ALL of the couples aware that they need to get ready do the
actual work of sponsoring.
·
These videos are designed to help you develop a
training process that will best fit the needs of your church.
As
you become familiar with them, you will determine how best to use them.
In addition, there are the “Key Concepts” and the “Discussion
Questions” on the web site, plus other information to assist with the training
of sponsor couples.
·
TRAINING
IS AN ON-GOING PROCESS.
After the first training session, the recruiting efforts for additional
couples should begin. Typically, the
training is done once a year, though it could be done more often.
We usually schedule the training session for a Saturday because a 3-5
hour format provides much more opportunity to work closely with new sponsor
couples. However, we have trained on
a weekday evening when we had only one or two couples who could not meet with us
on a Saturday. These videos will
make it possible to be flexible and creative in determining how to train
prospective sponsor couples. Remember
that some couples may find that using the books and the videos on
their own time, in their home, may be an adequate method of
training. This could be especially
helpful in training couples that are unable to attend the formal training
sessions offered at the church.
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LEADERSHIP /
TASKS TO BE DONE
·
Providing On-going Leadership &
Direction for the Program: In this section we will
explore a number of leadership roles that we believe are important for
sustaining a successful program, especially if you have a very active program
that provides this ministry to many engaged couples each year.
·
Leadership Roles For A Successful Program:
If
your congregation has only a few weddings each your, one or two couples can
probably tend to all of these tasks. If
you deal with many engaged couples each year, you will want to spread out these
tasks/responsibilities with as many as 5 or more couples….and determine how
the lead couple (the Coordinating Couple) will be selected.
- Coordinating Couple:
The pastor passes the names of the engaged couples to the Coordinating
Couple.
This
couple “matches” sponsor couples with the engaged couples. They
usually phone the engaged couple to let them know that a sponsor couple will
contact them. They also contact
a sponsor couple and provide them with information that the pastor gave them
about the couple (their age, whether there was a previous marriage, whether
they share the same faith tradition, and any other details that may be
important). They use this same
information, by the way, to determine which sponsor couple might be a good
“match” for the engaged couple.
- Recruiters:
Help select additional sponsor couples.
Depending on the number of sponsor couples you need, you may want
several people to take on this task.
This
is an on-going task because there will always be a turnover of sponsor
couples (some will move away, others will become unavailable for various
reasons) and even if they all remain active, you want to give additional
couples the opportunity to become sponsors because it will be so good for
their marriages.
- Training Facilitators:
The training facilitators
train
new sponsor couples.
- Meeting Facilitator Couple:
Because sponsor couples work independently from their homes, there is little
chance for your marriage preparation team to meet as a group. Therefore,
this couple sets up a meeting for all
the sponsor couples each spring and fall.
·
These meetings have two purposes:
o
They provide an opportunity for sponsors to
share useful ideas for improving their
sessions with engaged couples.
o
They can
provide enrichment/education for the sponsor couples’ own marriage
relationship.
·
The presence/participation of the pastor is
very important.
Make sure this meeting fits the pastor’s schedule so the pastor can be
there to greet the sponsor couples and lead an Opening Prayer for the meeting.
The pastor’s personal support is critical for maintaining the
excellence of this program.
·
Yearly recommitment.
The fall or spring meeting is a time for every couple to make (even
sign)
a personal commitment to serve in this ministry for another year.
(Couples
who are not able to attend this meeting need to be contacted personally by the
Coordinating Couple to get their commitment clarified.)
Having couples make this yearly commitment allows for couples to
withdraw from the program ~ temporarily or permanently ~ in a healthy manner (by
opting to not renew their yearly commitment).
·
These meetings are ideal opportunities to share
with the whole group that one or more of the experiences couples will be taking
on more specialized tasks. One or
more couples might “graduate” to working more closely with the pastor in
tending to couples who want to marry but have special needs…for example, a
sponsor couple who has experience in dealing with alcoholism could be ideal for
dealing with an engaged couple who needs to tend to this issue.
5.
Events Coordinator Couple:
Your
church may hold a special service,
recognizing and blessing both those preparing for marriage and the sponsor
couples. It can be done once or several times each year (so that every
couple preparing for marriage will be included in this ceremony prior to their
marriage). The Events Coordinator Couple may also organize a
special
dinner for engaged couples and/or newly married couples each year.
(Role
Recap)
·
Let’s recap the tasks that should be
considered for a successful marriage preparation ministry. They are:
1.
Coordinating Couple
(ad lib a re-cap of each of the following)
2.
Recruiters
3.
Training Facilitators
4.
Meeting Facilitator Couple
5.
Events Coordinator Couple
·
The marriage preparation ministry can become
quite demanding as the program grows. You may want to create a “leadership
team” which will determine who will be responsible for
what…and
follow up to see that things are being done.
·
While each task we spoke about before is
important, the leadership team may decide to have some couples “double up”
and “co-chair” some of the duties. For
example, the Coordinating Couple might also help with the training of new
sponsor couples. And all the
members of the leadership team might be assigned to help with recruiting
new sponsor couples. Sharing the
responsibilities will lighten the load for everyone.
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BUDGET
·
Developing A Budget For Your Program:
The
pastor will advise the Coordinating Couple (or the leadership team) about how to
prepare a budget for the sponsor couple program and have it approved by the
church financial committee.
·
What EXPENSES need to be considered when drawing up a budget
