Mixed religion marriage...
even if you are both Catholic
Chapter 13: Mixed religion marriage...even if you are both Catholic!
Mixed religion” usually refers to a marriage in which the couple
is of two different faith traditions, e.g., Catholic and Jewish, or
different Christian denominations, e.g., Catholic and Baptist. Today
it is becoming common to speak of interchurch marriage (both are
Christian but they belong to different denominations within the
Christian tradition) and interfaith marriage (one is Christian and
the other person belongs to a faith that does not recognize the
divinity of Jesus). Yet, most of what we say about mixed religion
will also apply to couples who are of the same faith tradition. For
example, Mary is a Catholic who attends Mass every Sunday. She looks
forward to singing in the choir with her partner Frank once
they are married. Frank is a Catholic who loves to spend his
weekends hunting and fishing. He usually attends Mass only on
Christmas and Easter. They will have to deal with most of the issues
of a mixed religion marriage.
It is fair to say that all faith traditions struggle with the
issue of mixed religion marriage. The oldest and strictest
traditions absolutely prohibited believers from marrying a person
who was “outside” of their faith. Such prohibitions were based on
the experience that differences in faith
usually created problems in the marriage. For example, if a Jewish
man married a Catholic woman, their family was never fully at home
in either faith. Children often found themselves the center of an
“unholy” contest of being coaxed into accepting religious beliefs
that placed them at a distance from one of their parents.
For this reason, before the Second Vatican Council in the 1960's,
if a Catholic was determined to marry a person who was not a member
of the Catholic Church, the Church strongly encouraged the person to
become a member of the Catholic Church prior to the wedding. If the
person was not open to “conversion,” then he/she was required to
agree to raising the children in the Catholic Faith.
During the Second Vatican Council, the Catholic Church made
decisions which have resulted in more tolerant policies toward mixed
religion marriage. The Catholic Church no longer pushes for the
“conversion” of the partner who is not a member of the Catholic
Church, no is he/she required to take an active role in raising and
educating the children in the Catholic faith. Still, most
experienced pastors are likely to caution couples about the special
limitations of an interchurch or interfaith marriage. Why?
POINT #1 - RELIGION MAY BE A NONISSUE, UNTIL YOU BECOME PARENTS
Whether I am Catholic, Church of Christ, Jewish or agnostic makes
little difference if I rarely participate in public worship and have
little interest in the formal teachings of my religion. In the same
way that many people never discuss politics or religion with
classmates or co-workers,
many couples think this policy will work in marriage. They believe
if they do not talk about religion, they can avoid arguing about
differences that they cannot resolve. The problem is that when they
become parents they have to deal with a whole set of questions which
they have, up to that point, deliberately avoided: Are we going to
have our child baptized? Will our child be baptized or christened?
At what age? In what faith tradition? What faith traditions will we
share with our child? When we are of different faith traditions, who
has the right/responsibility to decide? Do we even believe in the
same God?
This is why pastors encourage couples to talk about the baptism of
their not-yet-conceived children during the time of marriage
preparation. They are trying to help the couple focus on their
personal responsibility in passing on their faith to their children.
POINT #2 - CONSIDER THE QUESTION: “WHAT DOES MY FAITH REALLY MEAN TO
ME?”
For some people, their faith is the result of having made
life-affecting adult commitments; for other people, their faith is
simply part of their heritage ~ like being German or Vietnamese ~
but has little impact on their day-to-day behavior.
If I was raised in a Catholic family, but I have not been an active
participant in my faith since I left home and went to college, it
may be more honest to admit that the Catholic faith is part of my
“heritage,” but may not affect the way I live my life. For example,
I know the Commandment, “Thou shall not lie.” Still, when I
concentrate on earning a living, I hardly ever think about honesty
as an important faith issue. I may avoid doing things that are
illegal out of a fear of getting caught and having to deal with
legal consequences. However, it rarely occurs to me that I have a
responsibility to live the values of Jesus in the marketplace. In a
marriage, I could resolve most issues of faith by simply allowing my
partner to do whatever he or she wanted to do, as long as I was not
required to participate or agree to the decision. I will take a very
passive role in the faith formation of our children.
On the other hand, if I am a Catholic of “adult commitment,” I often
find myself struggling with questions, such as, “It may be legal,
but is it really right?” My work day includes thoughts about “How
would Jesus deal with this person or this situation?” In my
marriage, I will give particular
thought to the quality of my relationships with my spouse and
children, and take an active role in making sure that my children
share in the gift of my Catholic faith.
Besides clarifying for myself what faith means to me, it is equally
important to understand what faith means to my partner and how this
will affect our marriage. Consider these four possible combinations:
• Combination 1- Both of us are Christians by “heritage.” One of us
was raised in a Catholic family and the other was raised in an
Episcopalian family, but neither of us believes that going to church
to celebrate the Lord’s Day is a priority. We think that our
children should choose their own faith when they can make that
choice. We will probably decide about baptism only after a child is
born and depending on whether we can find a church that might be
willing to baptize the child “Christian” rather than any particular
denomination. We believe that “being Christian” does not require
membership in a church. We have no problem with faith...until we
start planning a wedding!
• Combination 2- Both of us are “adult committed” Christians. One is
Catholic and the other is Baptist. We deeply love each other and are
committed to a life of Christian marriage and raising our children
as Christians. We have tried to understand and respect each other’s
religious convictions. The issue of baptism for our children and the
issue of raising our children as Christians have been very difficult
topics for us to deal with. As much as we love each other, we
honestly believe that “conversion” to the faith tradition of the
other person is not the best option for either of us. I want to
raise our children in my Catholic tradition; my partner wants to
raise our children in the Baptist tradition. We agree that being
Christian is more important than being Baptist or Catholic.
Nonetheless, we also believe that being Christian involves
participating in a faith community, a church, and passing on to our
children the faith traditions to which we are personally committed.
We have no problem with one another. However, we are uncertain about
how we are going to worship together in our interchurch [Interchurch
means that both persons are baptized Christians of adult commitment,
but are members of different traditions, e.g., one is Roman Catholic
and the other is Baptist.] marriage. We are also unsure about how we
are going to tend to the baptism and faith formation of our
children. [See Appendix A, page 182, #4, for Internet links to
information about the faith formation of children in interchurch
families.]
• Combination 3- We fall somewhere between the first two examples.
One of us is probably a little closer to having an “adult
commitment” than the other. We have more questions than answers when
it comes to how we are going to deal with the issue of baptism for
our children. We are uncertain about the faith tradition in which we
will raise our children. We currently attend church only now and
then. We do not know what church we might choose to become involved
with in the future. We are not sure how to think about these
questions. We are not sure if we have a problem or not!
• Combination 4 - One of us is not a member of the Christian Faith.
My partner is a member of a faith other than Christianity, e.g., is
a Jew, Muslim, or Buddhist (this would be an interfaith marriage
)[Interfaith means here that one person is a Christian and the other
person is a member of a faith that does not recognize the divinity
of Jesus. See Appendix A, page 182, #4, for Internet links to more
information.] , or is an agnostic or atheist; or is a “Christian”
who has never been baptized.
POINT #3 - SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR COUPLES WHO ARE DEALING WITH THESE
ISSUES.
1- Learn to “dialogue.”
It isn’t easy to share and understand different points of view or
beliefs without requiring that the other person change his or her
views. However, you can learn to dialogue about important beliefs
and faith teachings about which you may differ, e.g., the
Resurrection of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins, the meaning of the
Eucharist, abortion, capital punishment, modern warfare, Sunday
worship, the baptism of your children. What you truly believe about
key issues (which may or may not be the same as the teachings of
your faith) can really affect your marriage. For example, do you
both believe that “sins can be forgiven”? What about “life beyond
death”? How would you deal with the death of a child?
Even if you are of the same faith tradition, there are rarely
“simple answers” to many questions that will arise when you share
what you really believe about key issues. When you are of two
different faith traditions, it may become even more complicated. You
may learn that you are a Catholic who is uncertain about the
Resurrection of Jesus, and that your partner is a Baptist who is
absolutely committed to the concept of the Resurrection of Jesus.
When you truly love another person, you are more likely to learn to
respect the beliefs and views of that person and avoid the
temptation to think it is the other person who must change. A real
possibility in dialogue is that I may come to see that the other
person’s beliefs and views are more faithful to the Gospel of Jesus
than my own!
2- Learning to live with ongoing dialogue.
Couples who learn to dialogue discover that arriving at “answers” is
not as important as learning how to continue to bring up and deal
with new “questions.” As you mature as individuals and as a couple,
it is good to observe that your faith and your values will continue
to grow and develop as you mature. What you choose to do today may
not “fit” with where you will have grown a few years into the
future. For example, you may think today that the best way to tend
to the religious education of your children is to send them to a
Catholic school. Yet by the time your children are entering school,
you may decide that a combination of public schooling and home
religious education is a better way to educate your children as
Christians.
3- Search out helpful resources.
Identify people to whom you can turn when you need more information.
Select clergy or wise lay persons whom you have grown to trust for
guidance in matters of faith and parenting. If one of you is
Catholic and the other is Methodist, establishing a relationship
with a Catholic priest and a Methodist minister would be wise.
4- Be honest with yourself.
For committed “adult Christians,” decisions are frequently based on
the guiding principles of their faith. Being married to someone who
is uninterested in ~or in opposition to ~ your faith can be very
difficult. Making decisions based on two very different perspectives
often becomes a very painful situation for both of you. An ability
to carefully examine your own inner world (and admitting your own
flaws) will help you deal honestly with important differences in
another person. Because “love is blind,” we can be extremely
attracted to each other in spite of being very different in
important ways. A marriage which is going to continue through the
“good times and the bad times” must be built on more than being “in
love.” The “unity” which is the strength of Christian marriage is
intertwined with the personal integrity of each person. Each person
must be “true to myself” to live an intimate relationship with
another person. If I can be perceptive enough to see that I cannot
live with certain differences I see in my partner, it is far better
to admit that now (before we marry) and do a lot more talking about
whether it is wise for us to marry.
5- Learn correct information about your rights and responsibilities
as a member of your faith tradition. Also learn what your partner’s
faith tradition expects of him/her.
Assuming that you and your partner have come to a mature decision
about entering a mixed religion marriage, it is important that you
understand your rights and responsibilities according to your
different faith traditions. Be careful in making assumptions about
what is expected of you. Substantial changes have been made within
the past thirty years.
Consider the following topics:
Freedom to marry in the Church.
If either of you has been married before, even if it was a civil
marriage, it may radically affect your freedom to marry in the
Catholic Church and must be carefully examined by someone qualified
to interpret the canon law of the Catholic Church. Canon law was
substantially revised in 1983, many changes were made in the laws
dealing with marriage. The issues of “conversion” and baptism of
children. The Catholic Church no longer expects a partner who is not
a member of the Catholic Church to “convert” to the Catholic faith.
Nor does the Catholic Church require him/her to promise to raise
children in the Catholic faith. The new approach is to make sure
that the Catholic partner is being candid with his/her partner.
There is within the Catholic Church a perception that being raised
in the Catholic tradition is of very great value to a person, a
“pearl of great price.” This perception is expressed in canon law by
requiring the Catholic to promise to do “all in my power” to pass on
his or her Catholic faith to the children by “having them baptized
in the Catholic Church,” and to make sure the partner who is not a
member of the Catholic Church is OK with the Catholic doing this.
There may be, however, another reality to consider. The faith
tradition of the partner who is not a member of the Catholic Church
may have similar expectations of its own members, and this must be
equally respected. Thus, the Catholic Church has an official policy
of respecting the conscience of the partner who is not a member of
the Catholic Church, and invites the couple to speak candidly about
their plans for their children. When the couple shares different
faith traditions, it may enrich the marriage to have both persons
take an equally enthusiastic approach to raising their children so
that they can value both traditions.
Some couples think they can avoid conflict by planning to allow
their children to make their own choice about matters of faith. But
this is, in fact, teaching their children that faith is like music,
i.e., a matter of personal, subjective insight. Children brought up
this way usually lack a
solid relationship with God as a stabilizing element in their lives.
Whether or not a couple can agree that it is OK for the Catholic
partner to pass on his or her Catholic faith (and, perhaps, for the
partner who is not a member of the Catholic Church to also pass on
his/her faith tradition [“At the same time, it should be recognized
that the non-Catholic partner may a feel like obligation because of
his/her own Christian commitment...” Pontifical Council for
Promoting Christian Unity, Directory for the Application of
Principles and Norms on Ecumenism, 1993, Para. 150.]) to their
children will determine how the pastor handles this situation. The
goal of the Catholic Church here is not to decide for the couple,
but to help the couple make decisions in accord with their
individual consciences and also in accord with the requirements of
their faith traditions.
The Catholic spouse is expected to do “all in my power” to raise the
children as Catholics. Because of our Anglo-Saxon approach to law,
the phrase “all in my power” is usually perceived as a minimum
requirement of the law, and as such can be experienced as
“heavy-handed.” Catholic canon law, however, which is based on Roman
law is more accurately understood as reflecting the experience that
the Catholic tradition of faith is a “pearl of great price,” to be
shared with one’s children if at all possible. The phrase is
tempered by the recognition that a situation could arise in the
marriage which could cause the Catholic spouse to decide that an
insistence on raising the children as Catholics could place the
health of the marriage and the family in serious danger. For
example, having the children baptized and raised in the Catholic
tradition, with them worshiping exclusively with their Catholic
parent, may leave the other spouse/parent spiritually isolated,
perhaps even dangerously so.
Remember what the Catholic Church teaches: “In all marriages, the
primary concern of the Church is to uphold the strength and
stability of the indissoluble marital union and the family life that
flows from it....In the interest of greater understanding and unity,
both parties should learn more about their partner’s religious
convictions and the teaching and religious practices of the Church
or ecclesial Community to which he or she belongs. To help them live
the Christian inheritance they have in common, they should be
reminded that prayer together is essential for their spiritual
harmony and that reading and study of the Sacred Scriptures are
especially important. In the period of preparation [for marriage],
the couple’s effort to understand their individual religious and
ecclesial traditions, and serious consideration of the differences
that exist, can lead to greater honesty, charity and understanding
of these realities and also of the marriage itself.” [Pontifical
Council for Promoting Christian Unity, Directory for the Application
of Principles and Norms on Ecumenism, 1993, Para. #144 & #149.]
The fact that agreement may not be easily reached on this topic
should not be taken as a sign that the marriage is in danger.
Rather, it should be seen as a sign of deep caring by both parties,
and a sense that both traditions are valued. It will be up to the
couple to determine the practical ways in which those deeply held
values may be respected and celebrated.
Determining the church in which the wedding will take place.
The Catholic Church no longer restricts Catholics involved in an
interchurch or interfaith marriage to having their wedding in a
Catholic church. When a Catholic is going to marry a person who is
not a member of the Catholic Church, the couple may determine there
are good reasons to ask the Catholic bishop to grant a dispensation
for the marriage to take place in the church of the partner who is
not a member of the Catholic Church. It is even possible, for
example, in planning a marriage between a Catholic and a Jew, for
the marriage to take place in a “neutral” site (neither a Catholic
church nor a synagogue).
In these situations, it is recommended that they also ask the bishop
to “delegate” the authority to witness the marriage to either the
pastor of the partner who is not a member of the Catholic Church (if
the wedding will be in his/her place of worship) or to a civil
official (if the wedding will be in a “neutral” site). The usual
requirement of a Catholic being married “before a priest or deacon”
can be officially set aside, and yet the marriage has the same
validity as one witnessed by a priest!
These changes were designed to help those entering an interchurch or
interfaith marriage to see that the Church is trying to be as
accommodating as possible within the parameters of canon law.
The wedding ceremony.
The details of the wedding ceremony [If you are planning an
interchurch or interfaith wedding, see Appendix A, page 182, #4, for
Internet links to more assistance.] will depend upon where the
wedding is to take place. If the wedding is going to take place in a
Presbyterian church, the Presbyterian pastor will guide the couple
through the Presbyterian ritual for marriage. If the wedding is
going to take place in a Catholic church, the Catholic pastor will
guide the couple through the Catholic ritual for marriage.
There are additional options within the Catholic rite of marriage.
The couple must decide whether to celebrate the wedding with a Mass
and Communion Service or without a Mass and Communion Service. Canon
law respects the right of the Catholic party to want to receive
Communion at his or her wedding and, therefore, will allow the
celebration of a Mass and Communion service in the situation of an
interchurch or interfaith marriage. However, canon law also
recommends ~ rather than legislates ~ that, in an interchurch or
interfaith marriage, there is no Mass and Communion Service. This
option enables the couple to plan a wedding that expresses what they
share in common, i.e., their Christian faith as recorded in the
Bible (assuming that both of them share the Christian faith). This
plan also avoids the possible pastoral difficulties of the Catholic
tradition of “closed Communion” in which only those who are Catholic
are invited to Holy Communion.
When one of you is not a member of the Christian Faith, or at least
is not baptized
The Church views Christian marriage as a “sacrament,” i.e. a human
relationship which includes a relationship to Christ as a
distinctive element. In the Rite for Marriage, when both parties are
baptized Christians, the pastor says the following introduction to
the vows: “...you have come (here) so that the Lord may seal and
strengthen your love...Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has
already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and
strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the
duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity...”
While the Church will allow a Catholic to marry a person who is not
a Christian, there is this difference, i.e., the marriage is not
named a “sacrament.” In the special Rite for celebrating marriage
between a Catholic and a person who is not a Christian, the pastor
says: “...you have come (here) so that the Lord may seal and
strengthen your love...In this way you will be strengthened to keep
mutual and lasting faith with each other and to carry out the other
duties of marriage...” Note the lack of reference to Christ and
baptism and sacrament.
When one partner is not a Christian (e.g., a Jew, a Muslim, an
agnostic, etc.), the Church respectfully makes no statement ~
positive or negative ~ about the relationship of the non-baptized
person to Christ.
Questions for Reflection & Dialogue 13: Mixed religion marriage
PART ONE
Even if you have official membership in the same religious
denomination, it is possible that you think and live your religious
convictions differently enough that you might do well to think of
yourselves as a mixed religion marriage. Consider the following:
1 - One of us places a high value on Sunday worship; the other does
not ? True ? False
2 - One of us favors infant baptism; the other favors giving the
child a choice ? True ? False
3 - One of us has a lot of formal religious training; the other
person has not. ? True ? False
4 - One of us participates in church activities; the other
rarely/never does. ? True ? False
5 - One of us prefers church schools; the other prefers public
schools ? True ? False
6 - One of us supports family prayer; the other believes prayer is
private. ? True ? False
If you answered many of these “True,” you may be in a mixed religion
marriage, even if both of you are Catholic.
PART TWO
If you are dealing with the issue of mixed religion (even if you
belong to the same denomination), what do you see as the issues that
you need to address?
1 - Do you think it is good idea for you to try to “convert” to the
faith tradition of your partner? (Present your reasons both “for”
and “against” converting to your partner’s faith tradition)
2 - Do you think that your partner is open to “converting” to your
faith tradition? ____________
3 - What do you think of the concept of establishing an interchurch
or interfaith marriage in which each of you agree to live the faith
traditions you currently believe and live? ____________
4 - What are your plans for the faith formation of your children?
What about infant baptism? In what church?
________________________________________________________________________
5 - How will the “faith life” of your family be lived? What about
Sunday worship? What about belonging to a church community? What
about religious symbols in your home? What about family prayer in
your home?
__________________________________________________________
PART THREE
What about the issues of planning your marriage ceremony? In which
church will you seek to marry? What kind of ceremony will you plan
in view of your differences in faith traditions? (Before you answer
these questions, look again at pages 117-119 and study Chapter 21:
Planning
the Wedding Ceremony, page 171.)
3 MONTHS INTO CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
1 - How has the reality of living in an interchurch or interfaith
marriage worked for us so far? Have there been any adjustments to
deal with? __________________________________________
2 - How are we dealing with the issue of family worship?
__________________________________
3 - How are we doing with prayer at meal time?
__________________________________________
6 MONTHS INTO CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
1 - When and if we are blessed to have a child, what have we decided
about the baptism of the
child?____________________________________________________________________________
2 - What are our plans for the faith formation and education of our
child? __________________
3 - How has the “faith life” of our family been lived? What about
Sunday worship? What about belonging to a faith
community?________________________________________________________
4 - What about religious symbols in our home? What about family
prayer in our home? ______
5 - Have we made contact with any organization that exists to
support to interchurch or interfaith couples and families?
________________________________________________________