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Mixed religion marriage...interfaith/interchurch marriages. |
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to [FAQ]In most faith traditions, people are taught to treat other people ~ even strangers and enemies ~ well. However, the daily news is constantly reminding us that different religious views often result in divisive convictions about all kinds of issues, such as, whether abortion should be legal, whether torture of prisoners can be justified, whether homosexuality is a sin, and so forth.
So it is important to ask the question: Can a husband and wife who do not share the same faith tradition be successful in marriage? The answer to this should be “Yes, people ~ especially husbands and wives ~ should be encouraged by their faith traditions to accept the differences they see in one another … including the fact that they do not share the same faith or any faith (for example, when a Christian and an atheist marry).” However, it is honest to say that we are still learning how to deal with the deep divisions that separate faith traditions and the divisions that separate believers and agnostics/atheists. In the 21st century, most people have grown to see that condemning ~ even killing ~ those we consider heretics is not right. More people today are willing to grant that those who hold different beliefs/values can find in these differing beliefs/values a path for successful ~ even sacred ~ living.
More people today are attempting to come to terms with the reality of interchurch marriage (both partners are Christian, but different denominations, such as, Baptist and Lutheran) & interfaith marriage (each partner belongs to a different faith tradition, for example, Judaism, Christianity, Islam or
Buddhism; or one is agnostic or atheist). In these marriages the couple has decided to marry although they are aware that they do not share the same beliefs. The concept of interchurch /interfaith marriage is an idea that faith traditions are still learning how to accept and support. This is why couples who wish to establish a healthy interchurch or interfaith marriage will be wise to take the initiative to search out the kind of support they will need. For information and support groups, see >> http://www.marriagepreparation.com/InterChurchANDInterFaith.htm
Suggestions for couples who are dealing with these issues.
1- Learn to “dialogue.”
It isn’t easy to share and understand different points of view or beliefs without hoping that the other person will change his or her views to match your own ideas. However, you can learn to dialogue 28 about important beliefs and faith teachings about which you may differ, e.g., the divinity of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins, the meaning of the Eucharist, abortion, capital punishment, modern warfare, how to worship. What you truly believe about key issues can really affect your marriage. For example: What will you teach your child about God? What about “life beyond death”? How would you deal with the death of a child?
Even if you are of the same faith tradition, there are rarely “simple answers” to many questions that will arise when you share what you really believe about key issues. You may both be Christians, but you may discover that you have contradictory ideas about the morality of warfare or what political party you can support. When you are of two different faith traditions, it may become even more complicated. You may be a Muslim who cannot accept the concept of the divinity of Jesus, and your partner may be a Baptist who is absolutely committed to the concept that Jesus is the divine Son of God. If you are going to establish and sustain a marriage in which each partner ~ and his/her deepest values and beliefs ~ feels accepted and loved, you will want to learn ~ through dialogue ~ how to respect the beliefs and values of your partner and avoid thinking that your partner must change to your way of thinking/believing.
2- Learning to live with ongoing dialogue.
Couples who learn to dialogue discover that arriving at “solutions” may not be as important as learning how to continue to dialogue about their differences. As you mature as individuals and as a couple, it is good to observe that your convictions also grow and develop. What you think is your “bottom line” today may be somewhat different a few years into the future. For example, you may think today that the best way to tend to the religious education of your children is to send them to a private religious school. Yet some years from now, you may decide that a combination of public schooling and home religious education is a better way to educate your children.
3- Search out helpful resources.
Identify people to whom you can turn when you need more information. Select clergy or wise lay persons whom you have grown to trust for guidance in matters of faith and parenting. If one of you is Baptist and the other is Episcopalian, establishing a relationship with a Baptist minister and an Episcopalian priest would be wise.
4- Be honest with yourself.
If your values/beliefs are important to you, being married to someone who holds for very different ~ or even opposing values/beliefs ~ will be difficult. An ability to carefully examine your own inner world (and admit your own flaws) can help you deal honestly with important differences in another person. Because “love is blind,” we can fall very much in love with each other in spite of being very different in important ways. However, a marriage which is going to continue through the “good times and the bad times” must be built on more than being “in love.”
The “unity” which is the strength of covenant marriage is rooted in the personal integrity of each person. Each person must be “true to myself” to live an intimate relationship with another person. If I am wise enough to see that I cannot learn to live with certain differences I see in my partner, it is far better to admit that now (before we marry) and do a lot more talking about whether it is a good idea for us to marry.
5- Learn correct information about the teachings of your faith tradition and what is expected of you. Also learn about your partner’s faith tradition.
It is only when you become an adult and develop the ability to study your family of origin with enough maturity to determine the key strengths and challenges of your family that you can see that the faith tradition (or absence of faith tradition) that you learned growing up in your family is more accurately named “the faith of my family” because it might be rather different than the official teachings of your religion.
For example, if I grew up in a family that taught me to be prejudiced toward certain kinds of people, it is likely they also taught me that God is more pleased with them than the folks they look down on. As a child, it may not occur to me that what I am learning from my family might be different from the official teaching of my religion. It is only when I become an adult who is able to think for myself, that I may be able to learn that my religion teaches that all human beings are to be treated as equal in dignity.
Two people, who belong to two different faith traditions, are likely to benefit from learning as much as possible about the “official teachings” of their different faith traditions because they will learn more about how each tradition teaches profound truths, such as, “welcome the stranger,” “love your enemies,” “forgive those who injure you.” Couples who work at the project of an interfaith or interchurch marriage discover that they treat one another best when they follow the official teachings and traditions of their different faith traditions which will encourage them to value one another as children of God.
It often happens that when a couple begins an interfaith or interchurch marriage, one or both of them know very little about the official teachings of their faith tradition. They choose to marry because they are so very much in love that they assume the differences in their beliefs is a minor issue, like having different tastes in music.
As their marriage progresses through “good times and bad times,” they may learn from personal experience why it is that …
“One recent study indicates a 75% failure rate for interfaith marriages – 50% higher than for American marriages overall. This may be due to the fact that, as we have observed, many young couples marry without really understanding what their own unexamined assumptions can do to the fabric of a marriage. Adding the tensions of different faiths to all the other pulls increases the odds of ending up with tatters [in pieces] – unless you learn to pull together.
[Many people writing about interfaith marriage, avoid talking about God because they think that will only add to the differences, but] “… we think this is a mistake. While a certain surface stability may be achieved by one or both partners’ ignoring the part God plays in their lives, they’re missing a chance to weave a strong, beautifully patterned web. As it says in the Book of Ecclesiastes: ‘Two are better than one….and a threefold cord will not be broken.’ Recognizing the sacred character of marriage will give your relationship strength for the long haul.” (Celebrating our Differences: Living Two Faiths in One Marriage, Stanley & Mary Rosenbaum 1999, p. 1.)
6- Also consider also the following:
• The issues of “conversion” and children. Each faith tradition has its own history of dealing with the question of whether someone who is not part of the faith tradition can marry one of their members without also becoming a member of the faith tradition. Also, you need to find out what is expected/required about raising your children in the faith tradition. And when you think about the education/formation of your children, consider the role of other family members: e.g., how would a Muslim grandmother react to her grandchild being baptized Catholic?
• Determining the place of the wedding and the wedding ceremony. If either of you belong to a faith tradition and you want your marriage to be in accord with your faith tradition, you will want to talk with your pastor or rabbi or Imam about the appropriate traditions you need to follow.
Questions for Reflection & Dialogue
PART ONE: For couples who belong to the same faith tradition.
Even though you have official membership in the same faith tradition, it is possible that each of you think and live your religious convictions quite differently. Consider the following:
1 - One of us places a high value on worship together as a family; the other does not. ..............................................[ ] True [ ] False
2 - One of us favors initiating infants into our faith tradition; the other favors leaving this choice to the children.[ ] True [ ] False
3 - One of us has a lot of formal religious training; the other person has very little......................................................[ ] True [ ] False
4 - One of us prefers private faith based schooling; the other prefers public schools...................................................[ ] True [ ] False
5 - One of us supports family prayer; the other believes prayer is private even in the family ......................................[ ] True [ ] False
If you answered more than one of these “True,” you may be in a “mixed religion” marriage, even if both of you belong to the same faith tradition. It will be important to dialogue more about:
1) How do I think we can deal with our different ideas about attending worship together? ___________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2) Since we have different ideas about passing on our faith traditions to our children, I think we should ________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3) How do I think we can best support each other’s spiritual development? _______________________________________________
4) How important do I think it is to learn more about our faith tradition so that we can be more qualified to teach our faith traditions to our own children? Select a number from 1 (not a high priority) to 5 (very high priority): _________. What do I think is a practical way to become more knowledgeable about our faith tradition? _________________________________________________
PART TWO: For interfaith / interchurch couples.
1 – I am feeling (select one): “confident” “concerned” “encouraged” ______________________ (write what fits you) when I think about our marriage as an interfaith/interchurch couple because _______________________________________________________
2 – I think that our major challenge in dealing with religion in our marriage will be __________ and I think what will work best for us in dealing with the challenge is ________________________________________________________________________________
3 – In thinking about the possibility of me “converting” to the faith tradition of my partner, I think: (Present your reasons both “for” and “against” converting to your partner’s faith tradition) _______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4 – What do I think about my partner “converting” to my faith tradition? (Present your reasons both “for” and “against” your partner converting to your faith tradition) _________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5- I am aware that the marriage failure rate is higher among interfaith / interchurch couples and I think the reason for that may be _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
However, I think we can be successful in our interfaith / interchurch marriage because ______________________________________
PART THREE: – If either of you is an agnostic or atheist.
1 – What do I see as the major challenges of our marriage and do I think that the fact that one or both of us is agnostic or atheist is an issue that will be one of those challenges?__________________________________________________________________________
2 – What are my ideas about developing a support system for our marriage? _______________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3 – What do I see as a positive contribution that we ~ as a married couple ~ can add to our friends and acquaintances? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4 – How do I see our marriage as a benefit to the society in which we live? ________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Questions for our 3 month checkup for our marriage
1 - How has the reality of living in an interchurch or interfaith marriage worked for us so far? _________________________________
Have there been any adjustments to deal with? ______________________________________________________________________
2 - How are we dealing with the issue of family worship? ______________________________________________________________
3 - How are we doing with tending to our spiritual development as individuals and as a couple? _______________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Questions for our 6 month checkup for our marriage
1 - When and if we are blessed to have a child, what have we decided about a ceremony of faith (such as, Baptism / Bris) for our child? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2 - What are our plans for the religious education of our children? _______________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3 - What about family worship? What about belonging to a faith community or both faith communities_____________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4 - What about religious symbols in our home? What about prayer in our home? ________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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