Misc Topics & Questions & Answers
These are Questions that were sent to me (Rob Ruhnke) and I decided to post the questions and the answers I wrote here ~ at least for now ...... [test area]
1 - What is "sin"?
2 - What about Singles & Sex & Catholic
Tradition?
3 - What are the "rules" for adult singles?
I have heard a lot of different theories about what "sin" is.....would you share your own thoughts about this with me?
Thanks ahead of time,
A curious Catholic
+++++
Dear "Curious Catholic."
The English word "sin" comes from a biblical concept that means "to miss the mark". The word is based on some assumptions: 1 - That a person is trying to do something good or at least something that seems "good" at the moment. 2 - However, the person's behavior actually "missed the target" of "goodness" and was, in fact, lacking in goodness and therefore was "evil" or "sinful." 3 - The degree to which a person is aware of the wrongness or evil and freely chooses to go head with the sinful activity will determine the degree of personal sin for which the person is responsible.
These elements of awareness (knowledge) and personal freedom of choice are critical because a person might well do sinful behavior and yet remain ignorant of the evil/wrongness or might be aware of the sinfulness of the action and yet not have the freedom of chose not to perform the action.
Example 1 - A mother might unknowingly give her child something to eat that contains bacteria that might result in the death of the child. But the mother is not a sinner because she was not aware of the bacteria.
Example 2 - A person might be threatened at gun point by a bank robber to open the safe so the robbers could get money that does not belong to them. The person would know this is wrong, but would likely believe that he/she was not free to resist the threat of the robbers and judge that his/her life was more valuable than the money in the bank, and thus would not be giving free choice to the "sinful" behavior of opening the safe for the robbers. Such a person would not be a sinner.
The phenomena of sexual intercourse before marriage and couples "living together" prior to marriage have become so common in 1st world countries that most people think of this as "normal" (socially acceptable) behavior. Even though most couples are aware that this behavior is "forbidden" by Christian churches, they usually think that their own sexual actions are "justified" because of their love for one another and, perhaps, their plan to marry.
Why
have the traditional norms of abstaining from sexual intercourse prior to
marriage almost completely disappeared?
To answer this question it may be important to recall that the past social/religious
norms were developed as responses/reactions to distorted ideas about pleasure
and sex which impacted the Christian community from the time of the 4th
century. Church teachers warned that the seeking of pleasure for it's
own sake was sinful. The Church not only taught sexual abstinence
prior to marriage, but also taught that sexual intercourse was primarily
for procreation and that is why it was appropriate only for married
couples who would/could provide the appropriate setting in which to produce
and care for children. While many/most adults have learned from personal
experience that human beings rarely engage in sexual intercourse "primarily
for the purpose of procreating children," this continued to be the standard
teaching of Christian churches well into the second half of the 20th
century. Even though more and more people were no longer “buying” the teaching
of the churches, until 1960 the fear of an unwanted pregnancy at least indirectly
backed up the teaching of the churches. In 1960, the introduction
of “the Pill,” made it possible to think that "making love" need not result
in pregnancy, and there was no reason why "making love" needed to be reserved
for marriage. In addition, the social changes of the 1960s rejected
the concept that pleasure was sinful, and promoted the radically opposite
concept: "If it feels good, do it!" The message of the churches
about the dangers of pleasure and the concept of sexual abstinence prior
to marriage seemed completely irrelevant.
In
dealing with the issues of sex outside of marriage, Christian churches must
learn how to restate the appropriate norms of the past in the light of a
deeper/fuller understanding of the meaning of sexual intercourse.
Informed
Christians (and churches) today know and teach that "Sex is not just for
procreation anymore!" Since 1959,
"Husband
and wife become two in one flesh in a reaffirmed lifelong union of indissolubility."
(The Family in Contemporary Society, Lambreth Conference 1958)
"This
[marital] love is uniquely expressed and perfected through the marital act
. . . these actions signify and promote the mutual self giving by which
spouses enrich each other . . . . " (Roman Catholic, Vatican Council II
1963)
"Above
all, it [sexual intercourse] communicates the affirmation of mutual belonging
. . . " (Marriage & The Church, Anglican 1978)
"Sexual
love, including genital acts when they express that love, shares in the
divine act of loving with every human activity which is creative, dedicated
and generous . . . " (Methodist Report 1980)
The
churches are moving to a view that human sexuality is primarily to be seen
in its relational significance. This relational significance is not
necessarily, nor essentially, bound up with the procreative function of
sexual intercourse (because "love making" is not always procreative).
The quality of the relationship is the prime criterion of sexual ethics.
This thinking has radical consequences for our understanding of the meaning
of sexual intercourse. If procreation is no longer the primary purpose of
sexual intercourse (and most human beings would agree that it is not!),
then there is no logical reason for arguing that it must be limited to marriage
(as long as pregnancy can be avoided). However, Christian churches now say
that a fuller understanding of sexual intercourse, which 20th
century psychology has made possible, reveals that the integrity of the
act (of "love making") requires a relationship of continuity, commitment,
exclusiveness and faithfulness in order to do justice to its personal and
interpersonal meaning.
This understanding shifts the moral/ethical criteria from biology (emphasis on the integrity of the act) to the quality of the relationship, and the ethics of sexual intercourse is measured by the criteria of:
- Commitment - the first criterion of successful
sexual intercourse is the committed love of two persons.
- True love - the morality of sexual intercourse
will include how well each person is focused on tending to the needs
of the other person.
- Exclusiveness - so that each feels safe
in order to choose to be vulnerable.
- Faithful - now and into the future, so that all
can be shared in common and parenting is made possible.
- Integrity - the physical act is important, but
even more important are the relational criteria by which the two persons
join not merely their bodies, but also their hearts and minds and spirits.
The
responsibility of Christian teachers is to present this information in a
way that motivates those preparing for marriage to conclude that the
commitment of married love is the logical and spiritual foundation for
sexual intercourse that is truly love making. Couples are taught to
value sexual intercourse as "the" ritual which speaks/confirms their commitment
to one another as spouses. There may be some room for debate
about whether this kind of commitment is possible for those who are not
married. There will be couples who will insist that they are "totally committed"
and thus it is appropriate to express their love by sexual intercourse even
though they are not (yet) married. But married people are more likely to
understand that "total commitment" is exceedingly rare unless and until
one is willing to make a public and permanent commitment to the other person,
i.e., marry the other person. And it does not end there. The integrity of
the relationship will require that both persons invest in the kind of relationship
building that will sustain their marriage as a "communion of life and love"
all the days of their life.
As
with all teaching, the best teachers will begin by being witnesses of this
kind of love. The value of this kind of witness cannot be overestimated,
because the most common accusation of those who are not married about
those who are married is that "they no longer love each other." While
this accusation may not be 100% true, it may be closer to the truth than
many married couples would like to admit.
The
challenge therefore is one that can engage all of us . . . singles, dating
couples, couples preparing for marriage, married couples, and clergy (celibate
or married). If we want singles and even engaged couples to abstain
in order to appropriately express their love in the commitment of Christian
marriage, those who are married (or living the public commitment of celibacy)
must be committed to being committed lovers in ways that are transparent
enough to convince those who are preparing for marriage that sexual intercourse
really is best when it is celebrated in marriage.
3 - Dear Father,
I am a bit embarrassed to ask this question, but here goes...Where does
the Church draw the line on what constitutes "sex before marriage"? I have
met several Catholic women and I have found that no two women I have dated
-- nor any two of my Catholic friends -- agree on exactly where the line
is to be drawn. The answers have varied from rejecting a friendly good night
kiss to anything goes short of actual coitus and just about every imaginable
answer in between.
I've read the Catechism which refers to "sexual love" being reserved for
marriage. It is my wish to live by the teaching of the Church, but does
sexual love include a good night kiss? How do I as a practicing Catholic
draw the line myself. Help!
Thanks in advance for your counsel
Dear
George,
Catholic
traditions about love are based on Jesus’ revelations that God is Three
Persons related by love relationships, and that we are created to live &
love as adopted members of God’s own Family: “I give you a new commandment:
love one another…as I have loved you. It is by your love for one another
that everyone will recognize you as my disciples…No one can have greater
love than to lay down his life for his friends…I call you friends because
I have made known to you everything I learned from my Father.” (John 13:34&35,
These
teachings of Jesus are counter-cultural (that is why you meet so many folks
who hold ideas that are different from what Jesus taught). Enemies are to
be treated as friends. Slaves and women are equal in dignity to men. Love
relationships are characterized by: service of the other (rather than focus
on my needs), intimacy (“into-me-see”), transparency (nothing hidden), and
vulnerability (one always risks one’s self in loving another). Sexual love
is psychologically healthy (not dirty!); it is also holy because it unites
couples to one another and also to God.
Catholics are taught to understand the ritual of sexual intercourse as meaning
Christian marriage. Then, in marriage, couples can rely upon sexual intercourse
as their special ritual that “speaks” their permanent and irrevocable commitment
to a life-long process of giving themselves totally to one another in a
manner that will sustain an intimate relationship that is also open to the
gift of children.
Sadly,
it is always possible to engage in love making (even sexual intercourse)
while excluding the total giving and commitment of marriage (for example,
rape, prostitution, adultery, fornication, even loveless/abusive sexual
intercourse with one’s spouse!). Thus, the goal of Catholic singles and
dating couples is to never choose to exclude the full positive meaning of
love making and sexual intercourse. In order to accomplish this goal, each
couple is advised to plan together how to love and care for one another
as not (yet) married special friends.
Good
planning will include four elements: 1) Setting appropriate boundaries to
avoid going “too far.” For example, one couple might choose to limit kissing
to “above the neck.” Another couple may determine that it is best to avoid
any caressing of genitals. Most may decide that they will not spend the
night together alone. 2) A plan for dealing constructively with any over
stepping of the self chosen boundaries (confession/spiritual direction are
traditional aids). 3) Daily prayer ~ privately and together ~ for God’s
guidance in learning to love appropriately. 4) Periodic evaluation of the
plan to determine how well it is working for both of them and whether they
want to make any changes in the plan.
Peace
and Love,
Fr. Rob