Marriage Preparation Programs - Are the Working?
Marriage
Preparation Programs
ARE
THEY WORKING?
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Changing times call for new resources for engaged couples.
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By ROBERT
A. RUHNKE, C.Ss.R.
Originally
Published in The Living Light
An Interdisciplinary Review of Catholic Religious Education, Catechesis,
and Pastoral Ministry
Spring 2000-05-12 Volume 36, Number 3
Pp 18-26
Published Quarterly by the
United States Catholic Conference
Department of Education
3211 Fourth St. NE
Washington DC 20017
Any polling of pastors
and parochial ministers about important pastoral needs is likely to reveal
that marriage preparation is extremely important. The pastor and parish
staff commonly give considerable attention to couples preparing for Christian
marriage. New programs claiming to be the best way to assist couples appear
with some regularity. As we evaluate the various programs and approaches
to marriage preparation now available, the rather brief history of this
ministry is worth recalling.
After the First World
War, the combination of the industrial revolution, the high mobility rate,
the development of the nuclear family, and greater independence for women
resulted in radical social changes. Paradoxically, as couples began to expect
more of marriage, the divorce rate began to climb. By 1930, the Church responded
to the problem by urging better preparation for Christian marriage. Pope
Plus XI, in his encyclical On Chastity in Marriage (Casti connubii) (1930),
called for "suitable preparation both remote and proximate, of the
parties for marriage. . . . The seeds of a happy or unhappy marriage are
planted in childhood and youth. Consequently remote preparation must begin
in the home where basic Christian values are inculcated and fostered."
In 1943, "Family Renewal
Days" were begun in New York to help families cope with the changing times.
Similar efforts took place in Britain, Ireland, and France. The focus was
on educating parents, who would, in turn, influence their own children.
These efforts to assist parents quickly shifted to marriage preparation
for engaged couples. These were the beginnings of Pre-Cana.
(1)
The Pre-Cana movement
was primarily an educational effort to provide engaged couples with information
that would equip them to live Christian marriage within a social environment
that was becoming less supportive of Christian marriage. The theory was
that Christian couples lacked information that the Pre-Cana programs would
teach them.
During the 1950s,
1960s, and early 1970s, Pre-Cana reflected developments in the fields of
education and psychotherapy. It became common for couples with marriage
problems to claim that they learned too late that they were "incompatible."
Pre-Cana leaders began to borrow insights from the field of psychology and
from evolving educational tactics to design marriage preparation programs
that would help engaged couples to determine their compatibility and to
develop communication skills to deal with their differences.
THE EVOLUTION OF TODAY'S
PROGRAMS
According to social
science data gathered over the past thirty years, the number of divorces
has increased because of the following factors:
·
Many couples enter marriage
with increasingly high expectations.
While nothing is wrong with having high
expectations, these couples are unaware that constructing a lasting and
satisfying marriage will require skills and a lifestyle they have never
developed.
·
The underlying problem
is that relationship skills are mostly inherited from one's family of origin
rather than consciously "learned in school."
Many couples attempt to construct a marriage that will satisfy their emotional
and psychological needs for intimacy by using the relational skills learned
from previous generations of their families; however, previous generations
may have constructed marriages in which the economic survival of the couple
and their children was the principle goal, not the quality of the love relationship.
·
Some social psychologists
propose that "dysfunctional families" are a growing phenomenon.
Others psychologists argue that families
are becoming more healthy, or at least more aware of behaviors they need
to change. Still others suggest that advances in the field of psychology
are helping us recognize the unhealthiness of many family traditions that
were once accepted as "normal" (e.g., verbal and physical abuse of children
and one's spouse) or at least buried in silence (e.g., alcoholism and sexual
abuse). Whichever argument one prefers, the reality is that a significant
percentage of children are products of families that lack healthy intimacy.
Children of such families survive by learning to manipulate others with
power and seduction, mastering how to hide their real selves and promote
"secrets," and listening only to what they want to hear. They marry with
the dream of having a "perfect marriage," and they believe they can accomplish
this by trying to "help" their spouses to change, keeping their deepest
thoughts and fears to themselves rather than appearing weak and assuming
that their spouses should be able to "know what I need."
·
The continuing growth
of equality between women and men in the workforce has made it possible
for women to be less financially dependent upon husbands; emotional compatibility,
therefore, becomes more important.
Both men and women are less likely to remain married to a spouse who falls
to tend to their emotional needs.
·
The Second Vatican Council
added substantially to the definition of Christian marriage, saying that
it is "an intimate partnership of life and love"
(GS, no. 48). This change in the definition
affected the grounds for a declaration of nullity, making the granting of
annulments more common.
Pastoral ministers
have sought ways to help couples preparing for marriage to become aware
of the inadequacy of their relationship skills. They found that adequate
relationship skills include the psychological realities of effective communication
and the willingness to listen and share. These skills also include faith
realities, such as prayer, forgiveness, trust, and the ability to make and
keep commitments. It is clear that many (most) couples who hope to be successful
in Christian marriage need to learn more effective relationship skills.
This effort to design better marriage preparation programs resulted in three
distinct kinds of programs:
·
FOCCUS
(and similar programs). FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication,
Understanding, and Study) is a series of questions to which each person
answers "agree," "disagree," or "unsure" The results of the survey are shared
with the couple under the guidance of a facilitator. The goal is to highlight
potential areas of weakness and encourage the couple to develop more effective
ways of relating.
·
"Engaged Encounter"
(and similar programs). Engaged Encounter is a weekend retreat led by married
couples who share their own stories and struggles of learning how to live
in a Christian marriage. The goal is to provide real-life examples of how
marriage can be done, as well as time for the engaged couple to do private
sharing and planning free of the normal distractions of daily life.
·
"Sponsor Couple Program"
(and similar programs). The Sponsor Couple Program is a mentor process.
The couple preparing for marriage first does their homework. They study
the meaning of Christian marriage and the skills such a marriage will require.
Then they meet with their "sponsors" in the home of the sponsor couple.
This provides an opportunity for the sponsor couple to use their own experiences
to affirm, coach, and even challenge the engaged couple to learn and practice
more effective marriage skills.
In recent years, dioceses
of the United States and Canada have established a pastoral process for
assisting couples preparing for
marriage. Typically, this includes an assessment process involving two or
three meetings with the priest or deacon to verify the couple's "freedom
to marry" in the Church and their psychological and spiritual readiness
for Christian marriage.
(2) The hope is to establish enough of a
relationship
with the couple so that they will listen to the concerns of the Church about
the need to assess their skills for building a sacramental marriage.
After the assessment,
the couple participates in one or more preparation programs, such as Pre-Cana,
Engaged Encounter, or Sponsor Couple Program. The goal of each of these
programs, as outlined above, is to help the couple examine the content of
what they have received from their family of origin and to determine whether
they need to learn new, and perhaps radically different, skills for establishing
and maintaining a sacramental marriage. Taking a course in Natural Family
Planning is also highly recommended. Finally, the couple returns to the
priest or deacon to plan the wedding
ceremony. Many dioceses have made this kind of process a requirement for
marriage in the Church.
TALKING IT OVER
Leaders of marriage
preparation programs believe that these preparation programs make a real
and positive difference in the success rate of marriages. They tell of couples
who decide to delay or cancel their wedding plans because of what they learned
about themselves during marriage preparation. They tell stories about couples
who began the programs skeptical about whether they would learn anything
useful, but who grew to appreciate the efforts of the Church to help them
have a better marriage.
If you talk with pastors
you will hear more diverse responses. Many will be quite enthusiastic about
the value of the programs; others will be guarded in their responses. Most
will agree that the programs are better than in the past, but they are uncertain
of whether the programs are making a real difference in the way that couples
live when they are married.
(3) Many parishes have tried to encourage enrichment programs
for "graduate" couples of the marriage preparation programs but have found
that the young couples are "too busy" to participate. When so few young
couples become active members of the parish and when the number of Catholic
divorces doesn't decrease, pastors have a right to question the success
of marriage preparation as currently done. Many divorced Catholics claim
that the Church needs to do more to make engaged couples see the hard realities
of marriage and that the present programs need to be stronger; yet these
couples usually admit that when they were getting married, they would not
have listened to anyone telling them that they were headed for trouble.
Couples candidly admit that no one could have prepared them for the reality
of dealing with a spouse in hard times and wonder whether any program can
prepare couples to deal with the challenges and tragedies that eventually
test every marriage.
PASTORAL PROBLEMS
In trying to assess
current needs, pastors struggle with three key pastoral problems.
·
Pastoral Problem #1:
Lack of adequate and appropriate discernment. Diocesan policies direct couples
to contact the parish six to twelve months prior to their desired wedding
date so that marriage preparation programs can begin. The problem is that
even if the couple contacts the pastor a year or more before they plan to
marry, they have already made their decision to marry. Traditional marriage
preparation programs are thus too late to help with this critical decision.
·
Pastoral Problem #2:
Lack of canon law information about "freedom to marry" and "mixed religion."
The number of marriages in which at least one of the parties has been married
before and/or is not Catholic is increasing. Many Catholics unwittingly
plan to marry a previously married non-Catholic with the mistaken notion
that because the previous marriage was not in the Catholic Church it was
"not valid." Even if the couple approaches the pastor a year or more prior
to their intended wedding, it is likely to be too late if either of them
needs to go through the annulment process. In addition, mixed religion couples
need to know all the options and regulations of canon law (and local diocesan
policies) before making decisions about the place of the wedding and the
wedding ritual.
·
Pastoral Problem #3:
Lack of adequate time for the "conversion" that Christian marriage requires
of the couple. Most couples in the United States are products of a culture
that is highly materialistic, individualistic, and even anti-marriage. The
desire to live Christian marriage requires radical lifestyle changes, that
is, conversion of lifelong habits that are destructive of relationships
and marriage.
The final hectic months
before the wedding is not the best time for the kind of reflection
and dialogue that could lead to radical personal change. The emotional high
of a weekend retreat for engaged couples is not a bad thing, but it is rarely
a reliable indication that radically new skills (e.g., forgiveness, marital
dialogue, and prayer as a couple) have taken lasting root. The parish can
be more effective by following a few simple principles of adult education
and by offering resources designed to assist couples with the discernment
process.
Effective marriage
preparation starts by remembering that those preparing for marriage are
adults, not children. While this may seem an obvious point, there is a reason
to give this careful thought. Since so many of the educational efforts of
the Catholic Church have been designed for children, parishes are still
learning to incorporate the unique elements of adult education into the
design of marriage preparation programs. When educating children, it is
appropriate to determine for them what they must learn, and when and how
they will learn it. Once a person becomes an adult, however, he or she is
capable of directing his or her own ongoing formation and education, and
he or she bears personal responsibility for all decisions made. Effective
adult educators incorporate this principle of personal responsibility. They
wisely presume that "you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make
it drink." Attempts to use elementary-school tactics of grading and mandatory
courses is likely to be ineffective or even counterproductive with adults.
Rather than trying
to force adults to learn, it is more effective to provide adults with adequate
resources so that they can take appropriate responsibility for their own
ongoing formation and education. True, it is likely that more responsible
persons will exercise more responsibility and prepare better for marriage,
and that those less mature may demonstrate less responsibility and prepare
less well. But rather than lose sleep over this, wise pastoral ministers
learn that as long as God chooses to create human beings with the gift of
free will, this situation is likely to be the status quo.
Rather than becoming
over-anxious about "lack of maturity," pastoral ministers can learn to be
more effective in selling individuals on the idea of taking fuller responsibility
for the success of their marriages. This approach is
similar
to the tactics of salespersons and coaches: people do not buy products because
they have to, nor do they invest in sports equipment because they will be
"rejected if they don't." Instead, they are offered products that purport
to satisfy their needs. The fact is that the vast majority of couples really
want to have a good and healthy Christian marriage. Also, most couples preparing
for marriage in the Church today are frightened by the many divorces they
have witnessed, particularly those in their own family. They are ripe for
the marketing of good marriage "products."
Strange as it may
seem, we have not designed formal marriage preparation products for use
when they are most needed-namely, while the couple is making their decision
about getting married. Typically, the couple has gone through their own
process of deciding to marry. Then they have informed their families, "hired
the band," and - finally - called the parish to sign up the church. The
parish has responded to this request by trying to get the couple to slow
the planning process, to re-think their decisions about marriage, and perhaps
decide not to marry (or at least postpone the wedding). Needless to say,
this is not a very effective way to minister to adults.
EFFECTIVE PARISH EFFORTS
The following parish
efforts will encourage couples to make better, more informed decisions about
marriage:
·
Periodic pulpit announcements
and weekly bulletin notices.
Information from the pulpit by the pastor is a proven method of announcing
and establishing new policies. In addition, the information can be printed
in the bulletin as a weekly reminder: "Anyone who is even remotely thinking
about marriage is encouraged to contact the parish office for a special
packet of information. Please obtain this packet before you decide to get
engaged!"
(4) Couples needing this information may not be regular
churchgoers, so the goal is to inform family and friends, who can pass it
on to couples they know. Parish secretaries can refer incoming calls about
marriage to the pastor (or another person trained for this responsibility).
·
Information Session: Preparing
for Marriage. Parishes can provide
evening sessions as often as needed. Single persons, dating couples, and
engaged couples can be invited to a presentation of information about preparing
for marriage in the Catholic Church, and such presentations present an opportunity
for them to ask any questions they have.
·
Publish helpful web sites
in the parish bulletin. This
is a strategy for encouraging personal initiative and responsibility. One
site that such a list could include is www.marriagepreparation.com,
which offers information about marriage preparation and one's freedom to
marry in the Catholic Church, and provides e-mall access to a pastoral minister
who will answer personal questions about marriage preparation.
One program that has
been designed for early marriage preparation is For Better and For Ever,
the questions are directed to either dating or engaged couples.
(5)
Pope Plus XI was on
target in 1930 when in On Chastity in Marriage he called for "suitable
preparation both remote and proximate, of the parties for marriage.... The
seeds of a happy or unhappy marriage are planted in childhood and youth."
Rather than focusing on the time of remote preparation, when children and
young adults are still learning critical relationship skills, marriage preparation
programs have been placed at the moment of proximate preparation. We have
been trying, during the final months prior to their marriage, to help couples
change lifelong habits learned from their families. While this is a laudable
effort, it is simply too late to be as effective as it needs to be.
The next step in marriage
preparation is to introduce policies and programs that will provide individuals
and couples with the information and resources that can help
them during the time of remote preparation for marriage.
ROBERT A. RUHNKE,
CSSR, D.MIN., is the author of For Better and For Ever and is
engaged in pastoral work and marriage preparation in San Antonio,
Texas.
1.
From
Marriage Preparation in Contemporary Theology
and Canon Law, Thomas J. Groarke
C.SS.R., 1991, Rome.
2.
The FOCCUS (or similar) instrument
is typically used to help with this assessment process.
3.
There is a general impression
that couples marrying in the Church today are doing better than the national
average of 50 percent divorce rate. However, too many variables make it
difficult to conclude that it is the programs themselves that are making
this positive difference. Cf. Center for Marriage and Family, Marriage Preparation
in the Catholic Church: Getting it Right (Omaha NE.: Creighton U. 1995).
4.
A packet designed by this author,
which would include For Better
and For Ever, can be mailed
to the person or couple who needs it (or perhaps a parent or friend of the
prospective bride and groom). Contact R.A. Ruhnke at Marriage Preparation
Resources, 1617 Iowa Street, San Antonio TX 78203; phone (210)534-1129;
or http://www.marriagepreparation.com
5.
Ibid.