Marital Spirituality from For Better & For Ever

What is spirituality?

Spirituality is difficult to talk about, because it can have so many different meanings. Spirituality, as I am using the word, is a part of every person. Our spirituality is the part of us that determines our choices and our actions.

For Christians (this would be true of other faiths as well), it is customary to think that our relationship with God “shapes” and “forms” our spirituality. However, what a person claims to believe is often contradicted by his or her behavior. A person might, for example, claim to believe in God, and yet be far more committed to financial security. Another example: a person might claim to “be a Christian” and yet choose to pay a less-than-just wage to his employees.

The purpose of this chapter is to help you to examine your deepest values (which may be different from what you claim to believe). Why? Because two people who are planning to marry may be different in many ways and still be a good “match” for marriage, unless there are serious conflicts in their deepest values. Then understanding these differences and learning to deal with them is very important. Unless you learn to deal with these radical differences in effective ways, you will find yourselves in frequent and very serious conflict with each other. (Study the box below)

What is marital spirituality?

You and your partner are planning to spend your lives together and raise a family. I hope you think it is worth a careful examination of your personal spiritualities with the hope that you can agree to develop a marital spirituality that will suit both of you. This may be a very difficult process. Your individual differences may make this a lifelong project. But the further you each grow toward a shared marital spirituality, the more easily you can work together in building a healthy and satisfactory marriage and family. You can offer your children the benefit of growing up in a family shaped by appropriate and consistent values.

How are you to design a marital spirituality? If both of you are Christians, I hope you will base your spirituality on the common ground of being disciples of Jesus. If one of you is not Christian, you have the added task of dealing with the fact that you follow different authorities. (See Mixed Religion marriage)

Christian sources of marital spirituality

When we were children, we were taught about Jesus and his teachings. There is no guarantee, however, that what we learned became our values. In addition to what we learned about Jesus and his teachings, we had many other “teachers,” i.e., TV, music, our society, our heroes and peers. Now that we are adults, it is useful to study again about Jesus and his teachings. We can compare “what Jesus has to say” to the values we have learned.

While I recommend a thorough study of the New Testament, a good beginning is to focus on the following five sections:

1 - Gospel of Mark, chapter 10: verses 17 - 25. Study this passage about the man who asked Jesus, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Imagine yourself as the person in the story. It is useful to know that Jesus often speaks in terms of either/or (no middle ground) to help us realize that our deepest values cannot settle for compromise. Jesus does not say that a rich person cannot enter the Kingdom of God, but he does say that our material possessions very easily become our real god. The invitation to “follow me” requires those who claim to be disciples to let go of attachment to possessions so that relationship with God is their highest priority.

2 - Gospel of Mark, chapter 10, verses 35-45. As you study this passage about James and John’s efforts to gain positions of fame and power next to Jesus, imagine yourself as one of the other ten with whom Jesus talks about the role of authority among his disciples. Note Jesus’ words, “Whoever wishes be first among you must be slave of all.” and consider how that will apply to your life as a spouse and as a parent.

3 - Gospel of John, chapter 15, verses 1 - 17. As you study these words Jesus spoke during the Last Supper, imagine yourself seated at the table with Jesus. Listen carefully as Jesus says, “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends...I do not call you servants any longer...I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.” If Jesus calls each of us “friends,” we, his disciples, are to treat each other as “friends.” How does this affect my understanding of family relationships? Are husbands and wives to be “friends”? What about parents and children? How does this “fit” with the command to “be slave of all” (Mark 10:44)?

4 - Gospel of Matthew, chapters 5 - 7. As you study the “Sermon on the Mountain,” imagine yourself as one of those gathered to listen as Jesus teaches: “You are the light of the world...whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be liable to the hell of fire...So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift...You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get.” Make a note of the ideas that strike you as important. Notice how Jesus concludes this section, “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell--and great was its fall!” Ask yourself how your behavior “fits” with Jesus’ teaching.

5 - Gospel of Matthew, chapter 22, verses 34-40. At the time of Jesus, debating the most important commandment (most important value) was common for religious folks. When the Pharisees pulled Jesus into this traditional debate, He answered the question once and for all time, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” This statement of Jesus is considered the defining point of Christianity, placing the love of human beings on the same level as the love of God. No one before Jesus had ever said it this way, and no disciple of Jesus has dared question the seriousness of what Jesus said. The concluding words of that section are, “No one was able to give him an answer, nor from that day did anyone dare to ask him any more questions.” (Matthew 22:46).

Specific elements of a Christian marital spirituality

1 - The first and fundamental element of marital spirituality is to develop the value of service and friendship in relationship to one’s partner. In Christian marriage, one does not marry to gain a “free cook” or someone to “bring home the bacon.” One marries to share the love, graces and talents that God has given each of us with one’s partner. In Christian marriage there is no basis for claiming a role of “lordship” or “ruler over” one’s partner. Christian marriage is an opportunity for spouses to serve each other in the building of a marriage and a family that will be a credible unit of the Kingdom of God in our world. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (John 13:35)

2 - The second element of marital spirituality is to develop the value of dealing with family members according to the norms of Christian living. In addition to the five sections I pointed out above, a study of Ephesians 4:17 - 6:20 and Romans 14:1 - 15:7 is likely to challenge many who think of themselves as “Christians.” They may discover that living as a Christian is much more than going to church on Sunday and trying to treat the neighbors well. While it may seem strange, most adults discover that the people we find most difficult to treat according to the standards of Jesus are the people with whom we live, i.e., our spouse and our children. Even many saints have admitted they found it easier to spend their lives in the service of strangers than it was to get along with the members of their own family!

We do not prove we are Christians by trying to wear a permanent smile or pretending that what others do does not get on our nerves. This is not real life! Successful Christian living involves facing the reality that we will hurt others and get hurt by others in spite of our best efforts to avoid these things. We are not perfect. We will always be sinners. We will never be perfect lovers. Listen to Paul talking to real people about loving: “So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil. Thieves must give up stealing; rather let them labor and work honestly with their own hands, so as to have something to share with the needy. Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” (Ephesians 4:25 - 5:2)

Christian living will never save us from hurts and disappointments. We will continue to get on each other’s nerves. Yet, by the grace of God, we can learn to become compassionate. We can learn how to forgive. We can learn to be imitators of Jesus. It will not be easy. It will not automatically happen just because we have decided to be committed to Jesus. It will take daily prayer for God’s help, and daily practice in the Christian virtues of compassion and kindness and forgiveness.

The best indicator of our progress in Christian living is to pay attention to the way we deal with hurts in our family. If we cannot deal with hurts in a constructive way, if we cannot admit we made mistakes, if we cannot talk about problems without making matters worse, if we are continually hung up on proving “I was right,” if “discussions” always end up as “arguments,” if we cannot resist the urge to “tell each other off,” then we may as well admit that we have a lot to learn about Christian living. Only when we can honestly admit that we are not doing this very well can we begin to determine how we need to grow and change.

3 - The third element of marital spirituality is to look beyond our relationship with our partner and our family and discover the opportunities and responsibilities we have to our Faith community and our neighborhood, and the world beyond our state and nation.

• Belonging to our faith community. Wanting to belong to a faith community that satisfies our personal tastes is understandable. “Shopping around” for a faith community we prefer makes sense. Still, if we figure that “giving God an hour on Sunday” takes care of our formal responsibility as Christians, we have missed a fundamental lesson in Christianity. While Sunday worship is important, we belong to a faith community so that we can become more aware of the needs of others and search for ways to do our part to help with the mission and ministries of this larger community. Our family can and should be doing something to help the poor, widows, orphans and all those in need. Most families can do more by joining with others in their faith community to help those in need.

• Belonging to our neighborhood. It is a sad reality that too many of us do not know our neighbors. Sadder still, we do not even want to know them! But there is a connection between our alienation from each other, and the rising level of distrust and violence that has become characteristic of too many of our neighborhoods. Making the time in our busy lives to get to know some folks around us will surely cost us in terms of risk and personal convenience. Yet if the early Christians were willing to risk being executed for their Faith, perhaps we can find a way to watch a little less TV and risk getting to know a few folks in our neighborhood.

• Belonging to our world. We may like or dislike the growing reminders that we are connected to people and political systems all over the world. Christianity has consistently preached that in God’s view we are a global family. While this has been a consistent teaching of Christianity, it is also true that Christianity has not yet managed to teach everybody how to get along on this planet. Every Christian should understand this was ~ and is ~ the Mission of Jesus, which He passed on to us: “As you [Father] have sent me into the world, so I have sent them [my disciples] into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, so that they also may be sanctified in truth. I ask not only on behalf of these [my disciples], but also on behalf of those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one. As you, Father, are in me and I am in you...” (John 17:18-21 emphasis added).

It is the ongoing responsibility of every Christian to carry forward this mission in our own time and place.

4 - The fourth element of marital spirituality is prayer. Daily prayer is the single most important way to make sure we are open to God’s grace and guidance in trying to live Christian marriage. This is such an important topic that there is a whole chapter devoted to this. (See Prayer & Marriage)

Summary Points _

• My spirituality is “seen” in how I treat others.

• Jesus calls me “friend.”

• Christian leadership is to serve the needs of others.

• I treat and respect my spouse as my best friend.

• I deal with all family members as equal in value.

• I treat those beyond family as brothers and sisters.

• My “family responsibilities” extend to all human beings.

• I can live this way only with the help of daily prayer.

Questions for Reflection & Dialogue: Marital Spirituality

Warning! This material is “R” rated: for adults only!

Before going on to the questions, consider the following. It would be wonderful if human love could overcome every obstacle. But, if you really love each other...

• Never underestimate the difficulty of marrying a person who lives by radically different values. If your partner is into gambling, illegal drugs, has a violent temper, or believes in “getting even” with others, and you believe he/she will “change when we marry,” you are mistaken.

• Addictions are signals of deeper problems which seriously interfere with the ability to sustain intimate relationships (i.e., marriage). It is hard enough to deal with the behaviors of a person who is addicted to, e.g., alcohol (blackouts), gambling (the loss of your savings), illegal drugs (imprisonment), etc. Even worse is that these behaviors are unhealthy attempts to hide self-rejection and self-hatred. Such a person will not risk true intimacy. As a result their partner never really feels loved.

• Being married to a person who belongs to a very different Faith is much more difficult than being in love with each other. If you are a Christian, it can be fascinating to be in love with someone of the Jewish faith, or is a Buddhist, or atheist. However, parenting children together is a whole different reality. Can you look your children in the eye and honestly tell them that Jesus is God, when you know your spouse will honestly tell them Jesus is not God?

• How well have you gotten to know your partner’s family? If you have serious reservations about your partner’s family, STOP & THINK. You marry not only your partner, but all your in-laws. Living your married lives while trying to avoid either set of in-laws will take more than “love.”

If any of the above gets your attention, congratulations! Most couples carefully avoid serious discussion about any of these issues. That is why I said this is for “adults only.” It requires a great deal of maturity and courage to realize that, while you truly love each other, there may be important reasons to decide that marriage ~ and raising children together ~will not work for the two of you.

P.S. While radical changes of behavior and/or religious conversion are very rare, they can happen. An essential condition is that such changes are freely chosen. Not because someone else ~ even a loved one ~ wanted the change.

1 - How have I been taught to think of “spirituality”? ____________________________________

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What are my thoughts and feelings about developing a “marital spirituality”? Do I think this

will be easy or difficult? Why? ________________________________________________________

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2 - Jesus said, “...I have called you friends...” (John 15:15) He directed us to, “...love one another

as I love you.” (John 15:12 emphasis added) Why is it that even good Christians find it so difficult

to treat members of their own family as friends? ____________________________________

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“Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13

emphasis added) What can I do to make sure that I and my partner have a real and practical

plan for treating each other as “friends”? ______________________________________________

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3 - Concerning “reconciliation.” Jesus teaches that going to church and praying to God is not

sufficient when a “brother [or sister] has something against you” (Matthew 5:23). What does

this teach me about dealing with those in my family? ____________________________________

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What about those with whom I work? __________________________________________________

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4 - Concerning “forgiveness,” they often say that we are to “forgive and forget.” Is this really

the teaching of Jesus? ________________________________________________________________

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Is there a more accurate way to express the Christian notion of “forgiveness”? ______________

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5 - When Paul says that we are to “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your

anger...,” what is he saying to us? ______________________________________________________

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Does this offer any help to me in learning to deal with hurts and anger in ways that are honest

and also Christian? __________________________________________________________________

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6 - The Alcoholics Anonymous program has been one of the most successful programs for

helping people to make life style changes. AA makes a special point of teaching people willpower

is not enough. Wanting to be sober will never be enough to get a person to stop drinking.

Similarly, wanting to treat my partner in marriage and my family and others “like Jesus” will

not give me the power and insight to treat others differently. But what will it take? What do I

think is an effective plan for radical self change? ________________________________________

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7 - What is my own view of the value in belonging to and participating in a faith community?

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Where do I think my partner is on this topic? __________________________________________

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8 - What connection do I see between “living as a Christian” and “taking an active interest in

my neighborhood and city”? __________________________________________________________

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Where do I think my partner is on this topic? __________________________________________

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9 - What about the Mission of Jesus to build the Kingdom of God in our world? How does this

involve me? ________________________________________________________________________

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How can I see myself and my partner - together - helping to “build the Kingdom of God”? ____

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FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS FOR 3 MONTHS INTO MARRIAGE

1 - How am I doing in treating my spouse as a “friend”? __________________________________

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2 - When strangers see me with my spouse, would they conclude that we are the best of

friends? ____________________________________________________________________________

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3 - What about the language I use when talking to my spouse? Is it always respectful? What

kind of grade would I give myself on this point? ________________________________________

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FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS FOR 6 MONTHS INTO MARRIAGE

1 - If measuring my “spirituality” is as simple as measuring how I treat my spouse, what is my

“spirituality” grade? __________________________________________________________________

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2 - When our marriage in the Church began, did I think of myself as a “spiritual” person?

Why? ______________________________________________________________________________

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3 - Is developing my “spirituality” easier or harder than I thought it would be? ______________

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4 - How would I describe my relationship with God at this point? __________________________

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5 - What is the connection between “going to Church” and “developing my spirituality”?

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Further thoughts and feelings: ________________________________________________________

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