Marriage Preparation Programs
ARE THEY WORKING? By ROBERT A. RUHNKE, C.Ss.R.

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Marriage Preparation Programs

ARE THEY WORKING?
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Changing times call for new resources for engaged couples.

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By ROBERT A. RUHNKE, C.Ss.R.

Originally Published in The Living Light
An Interdisciplinary Review of Catholic Religious Education, Catechesis, and Pastoral Ministry
Spring 2000-05-12 Volume 36, Number 3
Pp 18-26

Published Quarterly by the
United States Catholic Conference
Department of Education
3211 Fourth St. NE
Washington DC 20017

Any polling of pastors and parochial ministers about important pastoral needs is likely to reveal that marriage preparation is extremely important. The pastor and parish staff commonly give considerable attention to couples preparing for Christian marriage. New programs claiming to be the best way to assist couples appear with some regularity. As we evaluate the various programs and approaches to marriage preparation now available, the rather brief history of this ministry is worth recalling.

After the First World War, the combination of the industrial revolution, the high mobility rate, the development of the nuclear family, and greater independence for women resulted in radical social changes. Paradoxically, as couples began to expect more of marriage, the divorce rate began to climb. By 1930, the Church responded to the problem by urging better preparation for Christian marriage. Pope Plus XI, in his encyclical On Chastity in Marriage (Casti connubii) (1930), called for "suitable preparation both remote and proximate, of the parties for marriage. . . . The seeds of a happy or unhappy marriage are planted in childhood and youth. Consequently remote preparation must begin in the home where basic Christian values are inculcated and fostered."

In 1943, "Family Renewal Days" were begun in New York to help families cope with the changing times. Similar efforts took place in Britain, Ireland, and France. The focus was on educating parents, who would, in turn, influence their own children. These efforts to assist parents quickly shifted to marriage preparation for engaged couples. These were the beginnings of Pre-Cana. (1)

The Pre-Cana movement was primarily an educational effort to provide engaged couples with information that would equip them to live Christian marriage within a social environment that was becoming less supportive of Christian marriage. The theory was that Christian couples lacked information that the Pre-Cana programs would teach them.

During the 1950s, 1960s, and early 1970s, Pre-Cana reflected developments in the fields of education and psychotherapy. It became common for couples with marriage problems to claim that they learned too late that they were "incompatible." Pre-Cana leaders began to borrow insights from the field of psychology and from evolving educational tactics to design marriage preparation programs that would help engaged couples to determine their compatibility and to develop communication skills to deal with their differences.

THE EVOLUTION OF TODAY'S PROGRAMS

According to social science data gathered over the past thirty years, the number of divorces has increased because of the following factors:

Pastoral ministers have sought ways to help couples preparing for marriage to become aware of the inadequacy of their relationship skills. They found that adequate relationship skills include the psychological realities of effective communication and the willingness to listen and share. These skills also include faith realities, such as prayer, forgiveness, trust, and the ability to make and keep commitments. It is clear that many (most) couples who hope to be successful in Christian marriage need to learn more effective relationship skills. This effort to design better marriage preparation programs resulted in three distinct kinds of programs:

 

In recent years, dioceses of the United States and Canada have established a pastoral process for assisting couples preparing for marriage. Typically, this includes an assessment process involving two or three meetings with the priest or deacon to verify the couple's "freedom to marry" in the Church and their psychological and spiritual readiness for Christian marriage. (2) The hope is to establish enough of a relationship with the couple so that they will listen to the concerns of the Church about the need to assess their skills for building a sacramental marriage.

After the assessment, the couple participates in one or more preparation programs, such as Pre-Cana, Engaged Encounter, or Sponsor Couple Program. The goal of each of these programs, as outlined above, is to help the couple examine the content of what they have received from their family of origin and to determine whether they need to learn new, and perhaps radically different, skills for establishing and maintaining a sacramental marriage. Taking a course in Natural Family Planning is also highly recommended. Finally, the couple returns to the priest or deacon to plan the wedding ceremony. Many dioceses have made this kind of process a requirement for marriage in the Church.

TALKING IT OVER

Leaders of marriage preparation programs believe that these preparation programs make a real and positive difference in the success rate of marriages. They tell of couples who decide to delay or cancel their wedding plans because of what they learned about themselves during marriage preparation. They tell stories about couples who began the programs skeptical about whether they would learn anything useful, but who grew to appreciate the efforts of the Church to help them have a better marriage.

If you talk with pastors you will hear more diverse responses. Many will be quite enthusiastic about the value of the programs; others will be guarded in their responses. Most will agree that the programs are better than in the past, but they are uncertain of whether the programs are making a real difference in the way that couples live when they are married. (3) Many parishes have tried to encourage enrichment programs for "graduate" couples of the marriage preparation programs but have found that the young couples are "too busy" to participate. When so few young couples become active members of the parish and when the number of Catholic divorces doesn't decrease, pastors have a right to question the success of marriage preparation as currently done. Many divorced Catholics claim that the Church needs to do more to make engaged couples see the hard realities of marriage and that the present programs need to be stronger; yet these couples usually admit that when they were getting married, they would not have listened to anyone telling them that they were headed for trouble. Couples candidly admit that no one could have prepared them for the reality of dealing with a spouse in hard times and wonder whether any program can prepare couples to deal with the challenges and tragedies that eventually test every marriage.

PASTORAL PROBLEMS

In trying to assess current needs, pastors struggle with three key pastoral problems.

The final hectic months before the wedding is not the best time for the kind of reflection and dialogue that could lead to radical personal change. The emotional high of a weekend retreat for engaged couples is not a bad thing, but it is rarely a reliable indication that radically new skills (e.g., forgiveness, marital dialogue, and prayer as a couple) have taken lasting root. The parish can be more effective by following a few simple principles of adult education and by offering resources designed to assist couples with the discernment process.

Effective marriage preparation starts by remembering that those preparing for marriage are adults, not children. While this may seem an obvious point, there is a reason to give this careful thought. Since so many of the educational efforts of the Catholic Church have been designed for children, parishes are still learning to incorporate the unique elements of adult education into the design of marriage preparation programs. When educating children, it is appropriate to determine for them what they must learn, and when and how they will learn it. Once a person becomes an adult, however, he or she is capable of directing his or her own ongoing formation and education, and he or she bears personal responsibility for all decisions made. Effective adult educators incorporate this principle of personal responsibility. They wisely presume that "you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink." Attempts to use elementary-school tactics of grading and mandatory courses is likely to be ineffective or even counterproductive with adults.

Rather than trying to force adults to learn, it is more effective to provide adults with adequate resources so that they can take appropriate responsibility for their own ongoing formation and education. True, it is likely that more responsible persons will exercise more responsibility and prepare better for marriage, and that those less mature may demonstrate less responsibility and prepare less well. But rather than lose sleep over this, wise pastoral ministers learn that as long as God chooses to create human beings with the gift of free will, this situation is likely to be the status quo.

Rather than becoming over-anxious about "lack of maturity," pastoral ministers can learn to be more effective in selling individuals on the idea of taking fuller responsibility for the success of their marriages. This approach is similar to the tactics of salespersons and coaches: people do not buy products because they have to, nor do they invest in sports equipment because they will be "rejected if they don't." Instead, they are offered products that purport to satisfy their needs. The fact is that the vast majority of couples really want to have a good and healthy Christian marriage. Also, most couples preparing for marriage in the Church today are frightened by the many divorces they have witnessed, particularly those in their own family. They are ripe for the marketing of good marriage "products."

Strange as it may seem, we have not designed formal marriage preparation products for use when they are most needed-namely, while the couple is making their decision about getting married. Typically, the couple has gone through their own process of deciding to marry. Then they have informed their families, "hired the band," and - finally - called the parish to sign up the church. The parish has responded to this request by trying to get the couple to slow the planning process, to re-think their decisions about marriage, and perhaps decide not to marry (or at least postpone the wedding). Needless to say, this is not a very effective way to minister to adults.

EFFECTIVE PARISH EFFORTS

The following parish efforts will encourage couples to make better, more informed decisions about marriage:

One program that has been designed for early marriage preparation is For Better and For Ever, the questions are directed to either dating or engaged couples. (5)

Pope Plus XI was on target in 1930 when in On Chastity in Marriage he called for "suitable preparation both remote and proximate, of the parties for marriage.... The seeds of a happy or unhappy marriage are planted in childhood and youth." Rather than focusing on the time of remote preparation, when children and young adults are still learning critical relationship skills, marriage preparation programs have been placed at the moment of proximate preparation. We have been trying, during the final months prior to their marriage, to help couples change lifelong habits learned from their families. While this is a laudable effort, it is simply too late to be as effective as it needs to be.

The next step in marriage preparation is to introduce policies and programs that will provide individuals and couples with the information and resources that can help them during the time of remote preparation for marriage.

ROBERT A. RUHNKE, CSSR, D.MIN., is the author of For Better and For Ever and is engaged in pastoral work and marriage preparation in San Antonio, Texas.

1. From Marriage Preparation in Contemporary Theology and Canon Law, Thomas J. Groarke C.SS.R., 1991, Rome.

2. The FOCCUS (or similar) instrument is typically used to help with this assessment process.

3. There is a general impression that couples marrying in the Church today are doing better than the national average of 50 percent divorce rate. However, too many variables make it difficult to conclude that it is the programs themselves that are making this positive difference. Cf. Center for Marriage and Family, Marriage Preparation in the Catholic Church: Getting it Right (Omaha NE.: Creighton U. 1995).

4. A packet designed by this author, which would include For Better and For Ever, can be mailed to the person or couple who needs it (or perhaps a parent or friend of the prospective bride and groom). Contact R.A. Ruhnke at Marriage Preparation Resources, 1617 Iowa Street, San Antonio TX 78203; phone (210)534-1129; or http://www.marriagepreparation.com

5. Ibid.

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Last modified: May 20, 2000