Leader's Guide for folks familiar with the 1989 edition
<<<The 1989 edition is no longer in print, here is what you need
to know to "switch over" to the new edition >>>>>
Points 1 - 3 listed below are the
essential adaptations which the pastor and sponsor
couples must incorporate into their process of ministry to engaged
couples so as to take full advantage of the additional content in
the new edition.
Points 4 – 6 provide much more information ~
especially for sponsor couples and pastors ~ which can be copied
for free. We charge for the videos/DVDs, and the feedback from
those who have used them is proof that a moving picture is worth
more than a thousand words. However, the written text of
the videos/DVDs can be copied from the web site for free.
By
the way, the Points ~ and the videos/DVDs ~ are in both English and
Spanish.
Point 1 -
"The Flyer".
The essential adaptations for pastors and sponsor couples
to make best use of the new edition of For Better and For Ever.
Point 2 - Page
7 of For Better and For Ever. These are the
critical instructions for the dating/engaged couple to
follow.
Point
3 - Page
181-183 of For Better and For Ever.
Affirms new elements of "homework”, follow-up & where to
find the prayers for each evening.
Point
4 - Sponsor
Couples.
This link ~ for experienced and new sponsor couples ~ answers
questions not addressed in Points 1-3.
This
page has links to a great deal of information. I advise folks
to click the
Resources link and examine
these 3 links:
·
Explanation of Key Concepts
provides a series of commentaries on the critical content of each
chapter of the book. This written text is based on the
information that I teach when I lead training workshops. Other
trainers may use a very different outline than I do, so the Key
Concepts is available to all sponsor couples if they did not hear
this information during their training session.
·
Training videos
are excellent for providing “pictures” that ~ for many folks ~ are
much more effective than the written text.
·
Narrator’s text
link to written text of the videos and a menu for locating sections
of the text about which they may have questions.
I
have consistently taught that sponsor couples have the right and
responsibility to adapt the program to best meet the needs of each
engaged couple and also to “sponsor” in a manner that is best suited
to their strengths/weaknesses as a married couple. At the same
time, the text of For Better and For Ever, the Key
Concepts, the Training videos, and the Narrator’s text
provide guidance that sponsor couples should follow.
Flexibility is exceedingly encouraged; introducing contradictory
content or disregarding the recommended structures is definitely
discouraged.
Point
5 - The
author is always available. Anyone who
has a question or suggestion or even a complaint can contact me by
phone or email.
Point
6 - Resource
Team and
Training Sessions In
addition to myself, there are others who can assist in answering
questions and directing Training Sessions. We will continue to
add to the list of Resource People so that eventually it will
include “trainers” as close as a local phone call.
Rob Ruhnke
January 20, 2005
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Point 1 - "The Flyer"
Marriage Preparation Resources
For Better and For Ever
is now better than ever. Note these directions for using the
new edition.
1 - Begin with the books. Periodic “pulpit announcements”
inform families of the parish, “If you or someone you know is even
thinking about marriage, have them contact the parish for
information about our marriage preparation program even before they
are formally engaged.” When couples contact the parish they
are given a packet of information which includes copies of For
Better & For Ever. Page 7 of For Better and For
Ever directs them to study the book, answer all the questions
and share their answers with one another. This way they will
consider their "freedom to marry," options for mixed religion
marriage, and the issue of “living together” before they meet with
the pastor or set a wedding date.
2 - Promoting personal responsibility.
Since the success or failure of a marriage so much depends upon the
beliefs and skills of the couple, the strategy of the parish is to
encourage each couple to take fuller responsibility for their own
marriage preparation. This is the reason for directing them to
do their own study and writing and sharing before the meetings with
the pastor or sponsor couple. The whole evening can be devoted
to deeper discussion and dialogue about material already studied.
3 - Flexibility.
Pastors and sponsor couples need to be very flexible. There
are many more questions than can possibly be covered if they try to
discuss every question. Flexibility means figuring out which
questions are important for this couple to deal with in more detail.
Each couple will have somewhat different needs. By the way,
the Sponsor Couple can use their books and their same answers over
again.
4 -Each person needs his/her own book.
To encourage each person to take adult responsibility for the
process of marriage preparation, the parish provides a book for each
person. Each person does private and personal self study, and
writes his/her answers in the book.
5 - Follow up questions.
There are questions for after the marriage takes place, i.e., 3
months and 6 months into marriage. These are also shared with
the Sponsor Couple and/or the pastor.
Peace and Love,
Fr. Rob Ruhnke
Point 2 -
Page 7 of For Better
and For Ever. I included pages 5&6 to give fuller
context, but what the engaged couple must do is on
page 7.
Page 5
WELCOME TO FOR BETTER AND FOR EVER
Because you are reading this book, you are probably planning a
wedding. Or you are thinking about marriage. I
hope that you are willing to learn more about a special kind of
marriage: Christian Marriage.
“Thank you” for looking at this book. Hopefully, you will find
it useful.
Since my ordination as a priest in 1966, I have been fortunate to
help hundreds of couples as they have prepared for Christian
Marriage. In my experience, couples in love are similar to
snowflakes. No two are quite the same. Besides
differences in age, family background, culture and socio/economic
status, I have known couples who are:
! Dating couples ~ not engaged ~ trying to decide
whether they are ready for the lifelong commitment of Christian
Marriage.
! Engaged couples preparing for Christian Marriage,
seeking to learn more of the skills that such a marriage will
require.
! Couples “living together" and considering the
permanent commitment of Christian Marriage.
! Couples in civil marriages, perhaps for many years,
seeking to have their marriage "validated" in the Church.
! Couples ~ married before ~ preparing for a marriage
they trust will be a lasting commitment.
! People ~ already parents ~ seeking to establish a
healthy step family.
I tried to keep all these different situations in mind when I wrote
this book.
I wrote especially for couples planning to marry in the Catholic
Church. Since many Catholics marry people who are not
Catholic, I tried to write for non-Catholics as well.
When teaching about Christian Marriage, the Catholic Church speaks
of “the Sacrament of Matrimony.” I will usually use the words,
Christian Marriage. I hope this phrase will serve as
common ground for helping Catholics and non-Catholics understand how
Christians can live in marriage as faithful disciples of Jesus.
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Page 6
ABOUT USING THIS BOOK
I designed For Better and For Ever to be used in a variety of
ways.
! As “home work” to prepare for meetings with your
pastor. (See page 7)
! To prepare for sessions with a parish Sponsor
Couple. (See page 7)
! For group sessions lead by married couples or
someone from the parish staff.
! By a dating couple to help them decide if they
should get engaged.
! By individuals or couples studying about Christian
marriage.
Most Catholic ~ and many Protestant ~ pastors ask couples to
participate in marriage preparation programs, such as, a premarital
inventory, "Engaged Encounter,” and the "Sponsor Couple"
(mentor couple) program to ensure better preparation for the reality
of Christian marriage. Some states are planning to legislate
some form of marriage preparation even for civil marriage.
Modern marriage preparation programs are proving their value.
Studies of married couples who complete these programs suggest two
key factors determine how much a couple will benefit from
marriage preparation. One factor is how willing the couple is
to learn something about Christian marriage. A second
factor is how much each person is committed to the lifelong task
of becoming a better person.
If you and your partner are trying to learn something by
studying and doing the exercises of this book that is a very good
sign. I hope that both of you are also willing to make
personal changes to be better persons and ~ eventually ~ better
marriage partners.
Each chapter focuses on a specific topic. There is no set
order which you must follow. Hopefully, you will study all of
the chapters before the celebration of your Christian marriage.
I also hope you will find value in the questions to be answered
three and six months after you are married.
Some chapters will be worth studying again after your first year of
marriage. It will be interesting to see if ~ after a year of
marriage ~ some of your answers are different.
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STEPS...for using For Better and For Ever
1 - Read a Chapter. If you are using this book as part of
a marriage preparation process, you and your partner plan together
how you want to study the Chapters. Note: It may be best to
do the study on your own time rather than together with your
partner.
2 - Personal Reflection. Each chapter ends with "Questions for
Reflection and Dialogue." During private time alone,
apart from your partner, WRITE your answers right in the book.
This takes thought and time, but writing your answers will
really pay off for the next step.
3 - Dialogue. Share your personal reflections in dialogue with
your partner. "Dialogue" means I encourage my partner to
share his or her inner self with me, while I am careful to set aside
what I already know (or would like to hear), to learn more about my
partner.
Dialogue is the opposite of debate. In debate, I try to
convince my partner to accept my ideas. In dialogue, I am
willing to trust that he or she has valid ideas, opinions and
feelings that may be different from mine. My goal is to
UNDERSTAND rather than to CHANGE my partner.
Dialogue is challenging. I take a risk in
revealing my inner self to another person. It is also a risk
to listen to what another person really thinks and feels and
believes, because I may not agree with what I hear. Since we
are always changing as we grow through life, dialogue is an
ever-needed process for successful marriage.
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The following is a guide for using this book with your pastor
and sponsor couple.
1 - The first session with the pastor is to clarify any
questions about your freedom to marry and determine a process of
marriage preparation for you. Complete Chapters 1, 6,
13, & Appendix D (in so far as these apply to you) with your
partner before you meet with the pastor. The pastor may
offer you a premarital inventory after this session.
2 - The next session(s) with the pastor is for going over the
premarital inventory, and anything in Chapters 1, 6, 13, 20, &
Appendix D not yet covered.
3 - The next sessions ~ usually five or more ~ will be private
meetings with a Sponsor Couple. Prepare for these sessions
by writing the answers to all the questions and sharing what you
wrote with your partner. Sessions with your Sponsors are for
further discussion. A typical sequence: Evening 1 -
Chapter 2&3. Evening 2 – Chapters 4&5. Evening 3 -
Chapters 7-9. Evening 4 - Chapters 10-12. Evening 5 -
Chapters 14-18.
4 - The last session with the pastor will include Chapters
19 & 21. Any final paper work and the planning of the
wedding ritual will be completed.
5 - After your wedding, there are questions for dialogue 3 & 6
months later. Share these with your Sponsors as a form of
marital “check up.”
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Point 3 -
Page 181
APPENDIX B: IDEAS FOR SPONSOR COUPLES
If you have never before been a “Sponsor Couple,” get ready for what
is going to be an enriching experience for your marriage. Most
sponsor couples claim they benefit even more from the process of
“sponsoring” than the couples preparing for Christian Marriage!
As a “Sponsor Couple” (or Mentor Couple), you help a couple to
prepare for Christian Marriage by inviting them into your home
for a series of five or six weekly meetings. Your
job is to “coach” them toward a realistic understanding of Christian
marriage.
You do this, not by lectures, nor by claiming that
your own marriage is the model to be followed. You share
your experience of the “good times” and the “bad times”
of Christian marriage. You invite the couple into a process of
reflection and discussion by which both you and they
grow to a better understanding of how to live and love as couples
committed to Christian marriage.
The pastor will refer a couple to you after he has
established they are free to marry according to the norms of canon
law. Also, the pastor will usually direct the couple through
some chapters of For Better and For Ever.
It is your responsibility to determine ~ with input from the couple
preparing for marriage ~ a plan for dealing with the remaining
chapters of For Better and For Ever.
Usually you contact the couple by phone to set up the date for the
first meeting in your home. During this phone conversation you
can verify that the couple has already begun studying For Better
and For Ever. You can determine with them which chapters
they will be ready to discuss during the first meeting in your home.
[This assumes the couple already has For Better and For Ever.
If they do not have their books, you will need to take care of
that first so they can prepare for the first meeting at your home.]
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Page 182
Page 7
of this book offers a suggested grouping of topics for five
meetings (usually at least one week apart). All four of you
(both couples) agree to study specific chapters, write the
answers to all the questions following each chapter, and share
and discuss your answers with your partner. All of this
“homework” is done before the sessions in your home. The
sessions in your home are for deeper discussion of the material
studied. Wise sponsor couples focus less on merely trying to
cover all the material, and try to help the couple to
identify those areas of their lives likely to be most challenged
by the responsibilities of Christian marriage.
As you begin the first session, it is important to go over the
following “ground rules” to make sure the couple clearly understands
your role:
! “We are willing to share our lives and experience of
marriage with you. Our goal is to encourage you to be the best
couple you can be. It is not to get you to be like us.”
! “We will encourage you to share what you wrote and
what you have talked about. However, no one will be forced
to share. What you share is a free choice.”
! “We will share personal stories with you and you may
share personal stories with us. Be assured that whatever
you share stays in this room. We make no report of what
you say to anyone else.”
! “When our sessions are completed, we will report this
fact to your pastor. We make no judgment or report about
your preparedness for Christian marriage. This is not our
role.”
Depending on the needs of your couple, the evening sessions will be
completed in 5 or 6 evenings. Part of your task as
sponsors is to encourage the couple to continue studying those
chapters you may not have had time to discuss thoroughly.
Also, encourage them to refer back to For Better and For Ever
when they marry.
Make a serious effort to keep in touch with the couple after the
formal sessions have been completed. Of course, this will also
depend upon the availability and interest of the couple you are
sponsoring:
! Meet them at church for Sunday worship and share
breakfast after church.
! Introduce them to other married couples of the parish.
! Pray with them, and pray for them...and let them know
you are praying for them!
! Plan to share a meal with the couple, either at your
home or at their home.
! Ask them to show you their wedding photos.
! Include them in your Christmas card list. Send
them an anniversary card each year.
! Plan how to share and discuss the 3 month and 6
month follow up questions. Face to face is best. But
also consider phone, e-mail, and regular mail.
! If they live apart from their own families, invite
them to your family celebrations.
! Try to be available for invitations to their family
celebrations, such as, the baptism of children.
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Page 183
Besides all of the above information, it is possible that your most
important responsibility as a sponsor couple is to make sure the
couple “graduates” from the evening sessions with an ability to pray
together as a couple. Begin and end each evening session
with a time of prayer together. The form of prayer is up
to the four of you. Remember that many couples have never
attempted to pray as a couple. Be sensitive to their lack of
experience. Do what you can to help them gain experience and
confidence in praying together. The ability to turn to
God in prayer, especially in the difficult times of their lives, may
be the most important lesson they will learn. Be sure they
learn it well!
The following pages (185-194) contain Scripture passages and prayers
that you are welcome to use during your evenings with the couple.
(These are placed here to allow for more flexibility in selecting
the specific chapters to cover in a particular session.)
return to top
The newest updates of the Catholic Edition, beginning with the May
2008 reprinting have some very minor updates on pages 5 - 7 and
pages 181-183, but these changes do not affect any of the
information on these pages so I did not think it necessary to update
these pages. (Rob Ruhnke)