Other family traditions are more "hidden." Not because we can’t see them, but because they are going on all the time and we take them for granted. For example, my father always drove the car although my mother was just as good a driver. My mother always did the "inside chores" and my father always took care of the "outside chores." These family traditions are simply the way our family did things.

We rarely talk about these "family traditions" yet they are strict rules for the family, i.e., everybody knows to obey them. We all knew, "Never ask Dad for anything right after he gets in from work!"

Careful thinking about our families can help us shed light on these family traditions. There is, for example, the right way to do the dishes, the right way to keep track of money spent, and the right way to drive in rush hour traffic. Some traditions are family secrets we never talk about. For example, we never talk about my mother's excessive drinking or the way we put off paying bills, or how much time we spend watching TV. It takes a lot of careful thinking to make a complete list of all the family traditions, including the secret ones!

The value of making such a list however, is that we can then share it with our partner. We can use our two lists to learn more about how our families, and each of us, are both similar and different. Each of us will tend to assume that the way our own family did things is the way it is (or should be). We will also assume that our partner's family did things pretty much the same way (or should have). A normal response to learning that our partner's family has different family traditions is to think the traditions of my family are better and that my partner will soon learn to prefer them to the traditions of his or her family. We are amazed to learn that our partner is quite attached to his or her family traditions and not very open to changing them.

The first step in this process is to make a full listing of my family traditions. This will include good and healthy traditions and also unhealthy and even destructive traditions. I want to be as honest as I can be. (See Questions for Reflection & Dialogue 5: Family Traditions, Part One, page 39.)

The second step is to share what I wrote with my partner, and my partner does the same. Then the two of us can dialogue about how we see these family traditions affecting our relationship in both positive and negative ways.

The third step is to decide what family traditions we want to establish in our marriage, and what changes we need to make to achieve this goal. (See Questions for Reflection & Dialogue 5: Family Traditions, Part Two, page 41.)

A final point. In times of stress, we will change back to family traditions we learned growing up. This can be very discouraging when we realize that certain traditions are quite unhealthy. For example, I know that being honest in owning up to my mistakes is best, even though, as a child, I learned to hide or deny my mistakes because I was too harshly punished for things I did wrong. Because of this, I notice that I often blame others for mistakes that are really my fault, or become excessively angry at the mistakes others make.

Of course this is unhealthy behavior, but it is also normal behavior. It is a reminder of the power of our family of origin! Learning to construct new and better family traditions will take years of effort. The more effort I put into making personal changes, and resist focusing on changes I think my partner should make, the more successful we will be as a couple.

(1) "Family Traditions" here is not a technical word.  It simply means "the way our family did things."  They could also be called family customs.

PART ONE: The following list of ideas to help you identify and write down important family traditions for personal reflection and then sharing with your partner. For each topic area I have asked several questions to help you think about your own family’s traditions. Write what you think is the best way to describe the traditions of your family.

Who was the "boss" in my family, or how was authority shared between my parents?
How were problems solved and decisions made in the family?
How did family members deal with anger?
How did people "argue" and "fight" in my family?
How were children dealt with?
Did any kind of abuse take place in my family?

2 - In my family what was the most important family tradition(s)?  

What role did Uncles and Aunts and Cousins and Grandparents have in our family?
How did these people affect my own life as a child?
What role did "adopted" family members play?

What were the most important gatherings of my family?
How did we celebrate these gatherings?
Who was invited and who was not invited to these gatherings?

5 - Addictions and Substance Abuse:

How did my family use alcohol/tobacco/drugs/food?
How has this affected me?
Did any of the members of my family "overuse" things? Were any of them addicts?

What were the family traditions concerning Sunday worship?
What were the family traditions concerning Prayer?
How were children taught to pray?
What were children taught about God?
What did the family teach about death? 
What about life after death? 
How were funerals celebrated in my family?

How did my family think of "politics"? What about "social status"?
What did my family teach the children about "the government" and "voting"?
What did my family teach the children about "serving others"?
How was my family involved in church or city events?
What was I taught about helping those in need?

How did my family think about work?
How important was it to make money?
Was it more important to buy things or to save money?
Was physical punishment used in my family?
Was this more helpful or more hurtful to me?
How were children taught to study?
How important was it to get good grades?
What was the importance of getting homework done on time?
How important was it to pay bills on time?

9 - Sexuality:

What was the attitude of my family about sex?
How were the children taught about sex?
Was sex education done well or poorly in my family? Why do I say that?
Was I or anyone in my family ever sexually abused?
How did this affect me & my family?
What were children taught about being "sexually active" before marriage?
What was taught about the meaning of sexual intercourse?
What was taught about the methods of family planning?
What was taught about abortion? 
How have these teachings affected my own attitudes and outlook?
Was my family successful in giving the members appropriate affection?  Why do I say this?

What were the key values that I learned from my family? (You might judge that some of these were negative/false values) .
Were there any that I would like to change when I am a parent? Why?

1 - What family traditions do we want to establish in our own marriage and for our children?

2 - If any of these are different from the traditions of our families, what skills might we need to learn to accomplish these family traditions? How will we learn these skills?

3 MONTHS INTO CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE.

1 - Have I seen traditions that we inherited from our personal families cause conflict in our marriage? 
2 - What are we doing to deal with these conflicts? 
3 - What am I doing that seems helpful in dealing with my feelings about these conflicts? 

6 MONTHS INTO CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE.

1 - What is the most difficult kind of conflict that we have experienced in the past 6 months?
2 - What "family traditions" are we working on now in our marriage? Why are they important to us?