Frequently Asked Questions
Check out the following FAQs. If you need more assistance, email me > Rob Ruhnke
What is a good way to prepare for marriage?
What is the best age for successful marriage?
Where can I find resources for planning my wedding.
Are marriage preparation programs mandatory?
Why are there so many rules for getting married?
What if one of us is not Catholic or is not of the Christian tradition?
What if one (or both) of us has been married before?
What is an "annulment"?
How do I know if I need an annulment"
If we are of different faith traditions, will conversion be required?
What if my fiance will not agree to raise the children Catholic?
What if I am Catholic, but have not been Confirmed?
Do I have to be registered in a church to be married there?
What is the best way to select a church to belong to?
Can we have our wedding outdoors, rather than in a church?
If you have a question that is not on this list.....
What is a good way to prepare for marriage?
For Better and For Ever was designed to assist dating couples (if your are seriously thinking about marriage, now is the time to start using the books) and engaged couples prepare for Christian marriage (even if one of you is not a member of the Christian tradition). It will address questions that you know you need to address as a couple, and questions you may have not yet thought about. There is a Catholic edition, a Protestant edition and a Covenant edition. The Covenant edition is a "secular" edition for those who are not members of any Christian denomination or may not have no belief in a personal God, but are wanting to enter a marriage of lifelong commitment to one another.Back to top
Did I get married too young?
The Wall Street Journal - Feb. 12, 2010
By David Lapp
When my very smart and relatively young girlfriend (she was then 20) first told her father she was thinking of marrying me, he refused to even hear of it. "How much college debt does he have?" he demanded. "What's the rush? Why not wait until your career and finances are established? How do you know he's the one?"
She sobbed, he came around, and in May 2009 Amber and I became husband and wife, when I was 22 and she was 21.
Granted, Amber's dad had an understandably healthy dose of "father-of-the-bride" syndrome. But he also had plenty of cultural ammunition to back up his initial barrage of questions and qualms. As college-educated, professionally aspiring young adults in New York, my wife and I were bucking the prevailing social script by marrying in our early 20s. Some Penn State sociologists summarized the zeitgeist this way: "In industrial countries, young people age 18 to 25 are expected to explore their identity, work and love by delaying marriage and parenthood. . . . Those individuals who fail to postpone these family transitions miss out on better career opportunities, make poor choices on partners, and may experience problems."
Social scientists frequently note that "early marriage" is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Additionally, the average student graduating today has about $23,000 in debt, and money problems don't exactly help a marriage. It's not surprising, then, that many young couples hook up and shack up instead of tying the knot. The median age at marriage today is 28 for men and 26 for women.
So what's a young couple, in love and committed, to do? Was our decision to marry in our early 20s shortsighted and irresponsible?
First, let's take a closer look at that term "early marriage." While it's true that teenage marriages are a significant predictor of divorce, it turns out that marriages of people in their early to mid-20s are not nearly as much at risk. According to a 2002 report from the Centers for Disease Control, 48% of people who enter marriage when under age 18, and 40% of 18- and 19-year-olds, will eventually divorce. But only 29% of those who get married at age 20 to 24 will eventually divorce—very similar to the 24% of the 25-and-older cohort. In fact, Hispanics who marry between the ages of 20 and 24 actually have a greater likelihood of marital success (31% chance of divorce) than those who first marry at age 25 and older (36% chance of divorce).
Further, a recent study by family scholars at the University of Texas finds that people who wed between the ages of 22 and 25, and remained married to those spouses, went on to experience the happiest marriages. While the authors caution against suggesting that 22 to 25 is the optimal marrying age for everyone, their finding does suggest that "little or nothing is likely to be gained by deliberately delaying marriage beyond the mid twenties."
What about the money? Social scientists use the term "marriage premium" to describe how, over time, married couples save and build more wealth than otherwise-similar singles or cohabiting couples. Part of the reason is simply that married couples have two incomes to pool and draw from. But as a group of leading family scholars notes in "Why Marriage Matters," a report published by the Institute for American Values, marriage itself appears to encourage thrifty behavior. It makes sense: Knowing that my spending and savings habits affect not just me but also my wife and future family, I'm more likely to set a budget, pack a lunch, and put some money in savings instead of buying that new iPhone. The upshot is that my wife and I are able to pay off our college debt more quickly than we could by ourselves.
Of course, it's not just adults who are skeptical about early-to-mid-20s marriages. As psychologist Jeffrey Jensen Arnett notes in his influential book "Emerging Adulthood," many young people today delay marriage because they are afraid it will deny them the leisure of "identity exploration" and "self-focused development." And as Mr. Arnett explains, "Many of the identity explorations of the emerging adult years are simply for fun, a kind of play, part of gaining a broad range of life experiences before 'settling down' and taking on the responsibilities of adult life." Young people sense that marriage marks the end of adventure and the beginning of monotony. Implicit is the dichotomy between individual fulfillment now and commitment later.
It's a false dichotomy. Instead of trekking to Africa or exploring Rome alone, why not marry the person of your dreams and take him or her along? What about discovering, as the characters Carl and Ellie in Disney Pixar's "Up" do, the good of marital friendship? While they never fulfill their dream of traveling together to South America (their jug of nickels and dimes labeled "Paradise Falls" is shattered with every flat tire and emergency-room visit), they do experience the joy of life together: renovating their home as newlyweds, picnicking and cloud-gazing on lazy summer afternoons, dancing in their candlelit living room after 50 years of marriage.
As focused as we young adults are on self-development, what if the path to that development is actually learning to live with and love another person? We may be startled to find that the greatest adventure lies not in knowing oneself as much as in knowing and committing to another person. Sure, freedom is great—but as John Paul II reminded us, "Freedom exists for the sake of love."
If couples in their early to mid-20s do get married, they'll need plenty of support—especially from their families and houses of worship. The leaders of National Marriage Week USA (Feb. 7 to 14)—an effort to focus national attention on marriage—are encouraging houses of worship to provide premarital counseling to every couple they marry. Parents play an important part as well: whether it's providing startup financial assistance or reminding their children—as a growing body of scholarship demonstrates—that people with a bedrock commitment to the institution of marriage are more likely to invest themselves in their marriages and to experience happier unions.
Did I get married too young? I may not have the freedom to globetrot at my own leisure or to carouse at a bar late into the night. But when I step into our 500-square-foot one-bedroom apartment, warmly lighted and smelling of fresh flowers and baked bread, I do have the freedom to kiss my beautiful wife and best friend—the woman I pledged to always love and cherish, and to raise a family with. I have no regrets.
Mr. Lapp is a research associate at the Institute for American Values in New York.
Back to topWhere can I find resources for planning my wedding?
Here is a sample of that you can find on the Internet >>> Resources for planning my wedding ceremony.Back to top
Are marriage preparation programs mandatory?
Most churches today are convinced that good marriage preparation programs can help couples avoid the mistakes that have destroyed too many marriages. Most Catholic parishes and many Protestant churches will require some form of marriage preparation. However, most pastors are open to input from couples in selecting a process which you think will best suit you and your partner. You can use For Better & For Ever to get started on this preparation even before you contact your church or pastor. Most pastors will be positively impressed that you took the initiative to get started on a marriage preparation process and will agree that For Better & For Ever is an excellent marriage preparation program (even if the pastor is more familiar with other programs).Back to top
Why are there so many rules for getting married?
I recommend reading Abigail Kelly's article "Can this marriage ceremony be saved?"
Back to top
What if one of us is not Catholic or is not a member of the Christian tradition?
Like most faith traditions, the Catholic Church encourages Catholics to marry another Catholic because it is assumed that if two people share the same faith tradition it will be easier for them to incorporate their personal experience of faith into their marriage and raise their children in this same faith tradition.
At the same time, the Catholic
Church recognizes the reality that a Catholic may "fall in love"
with ~ and decide to marry ~ a person who is not a member of the
Catholic Church. In such a situation the Catholic Church
recognizes the right of a Catholic to ask permission or dispensation
from his/her bishop in order marry a person who is not a member of
the Catholic Church. If the Catholic is seeking to marry a
person who is a baptized Protestant, it is only necessary to request "permission" from the bishop in order to enter an
interchurch marriage. If the Catholic is seeking to marry
a person who is not baptized (e.g., a Jew, Muslim, agnostic, etc),
it is necessary to request a "dispensation" in order to
enter an
interfaith marriage. The Catholic can obtain this
permission or dispensation by meeting with his/her
pastor, who will have the proper forms for recording the information
that must be included in the request. These requests are
usually always granted, and are returned to the local pastor within
a few days (it is usually done by snail mail).
What if one (or both) of us has been married before?
If you are planning to marry in the Catholic Church and either
of you has been married before (even a civil marriage or common law
marriage), you will need to establish your "freedom to marry"
according to the criteria of canon law (Catholic Church law). Even
if you are a well educated Catholic, you may not know enough to
determine whether a previous marriage is "valid" or "invalid" by the
standards of Canon Law. It is important to speak with someone
qualified to help you deal with this before
you make wedding plans. You are welcome to email me about your
situation >
Rob Ruhnke, I can sort it out for you.
Note: I may ask you to consider talking with
me on the phone if I need more information from you.
However, before
you send me an email....read this additional information>>
Additional Information.
If you are planning a wedding in a Protestant church, a
previous marriage may not be as difficult to deal with, but talk
with the pastor before you make final plans.
This question is probably important only if you are planning a wedding in a Catholic Church. Trust me that there are lots of false ideas about "annulments." I spend a lot of my time trying to explain what an annulment is NOT. For some better ideas check out:
- Annulment: What It Is - and Isn't Reprinted from Liguorian Magazine (Sept, 2000).
- Two good articles from the Archdiocese of Chicago web site:
- For further information see Understanding Annulments by John Catoir, J.C.D.
- An even more in depth article is Remarriage in the Church: Pastoral Solutions.
How do I know if I need an annulment?
The only way to know for sure is to talk with someone who is well versed in Catholic Canon Law. There are so many variables that each situation must be examined individually. That is why you will not find a web site that offers "ready made" Canon Law answers about annulments. However, if you are willing to Email me about your situation, I will try to assist you. If your situation is really complex I may recommend we talk by phone. > Rob Ruhnke
If we are of different faith traditions or denominations, will the
Church require "conversion"?
If you are planning marriage in a Catholic Church. The Catholic
party can easily receive formal approval from the Catholic Church to
marry a person who is not a member of the Catholic Church. The
Catholic Church has an official policy of honoring the conscience of
those who are not members of the Catholic Church and respecting
their faith traditions. There will be no pressure placed on the
person who is not a member of the Catholic Church to "convert" to
the Catholic tradition.
If you are planning marriage in any other church. Most Christian churches have a policy that is similar to the Catholic Church, but you will want to check this out with the pastor of the church.
Back to topWhat if my fiance who is not a member of the Catholic faith will not agree to raise the children Catholic?
True, the Catholic Church once required the non-Catholic partner to agree to raise the children in the Catholic tradition, however this policy was radically changed in the 1960's. For a fuller explanation see >> Mixed marriages: Promises about children’s religious upbringing.
Back to top
What if I am Catholic, but have not been Confirmed?
First of all. Don't panic about this question. But it deserves an adequate explanation, which I have written at >> Is Confirmation required?
Back to top
Do I have to be registered in a church to be married there?
No and Yes! Canon Law does not require a Catholic to register in a local church. On the other hand, whether you are Protestant or Catholic, registering in a church is considered a normal way to demonstrate an adult decision to be a part of a church "family." If you are desiring the services of a church for the celebration of your wedding, you would be wise to begin by "signing up."
Back to top
What is the best way to select a church to belong to?
That is up to you. It does not have to be the nearest Catholic or Protestant church. If you want to "belong" to a church, you will find most churches glad to welcome you.
Back to top
Can we have our wedding outdoors, rather than in a church?
Many Protestant ministers will be willing to assist you with an outdoor wedding. If you are planning a Catholic wedding, this question deserves a fuller explanation, see What about an outdoor wedding?
Back to top
If you have a question that is not on this list.....
First look at >> Links to WWW and if you can't find an answer there either, then email me >> Rob Ruhnke