Mixed Marriages: Promises about children's religious upbringing.

From Father John Dietzen's Question and Answer column,

syndicated by Catholic News Service. Reprinted with permission

Question. I am a practicing Lutheran and was a widow with three children. I met and became engaged to a wonderful Catholic man. We intended to marry in my church after completing all the preparations with his priest. We hope to have a child though I am now 40 years old, and chances are rapidly declining.

At our first meeting the priest informed us we were required to sign a promise that children from the marriage would be baptized and raised Catholic. We had discussed religion in depth before deciding to marry, and we agreed that all the children would be raised in the same religion.

Since we both feel the differences between our two faiths were not extreme, we considered attending Catholic services for a time with the children before deciding.

We asked the priest what the consequences would be if we did not sign the paper and were told the marriage would not be recognized, and my husband would not be allowed to receive Communion.

After this meeting with the priest and the way the options (or lack of them) were presented, we decided to stay with the Lutheran Church.

We have since married and are very happy. My reason for writing is to learn if this is truly the policy of the Catholic Church or just of the parish. The majority of my friends and neighbors, and my husband's family are all Catholic, and they have supported us.

Answer. Unfortunately, if you heard the priest correctly, you failed to receive accurate information that might have made your decisions easier and perhaps have moved them in another direction.

First of all, neither partner in a mixed marriage (between a Catholic and a baptized person of another Christian denomination) is required to sign a promise that all children will be baptized and raised Catholic.

The Catholic partner signs two statements. (1) "I reaffirm my faith in Jesus Christ and intend to continue living that faith in the Catholic Church." And, (2) "I promise to do all in my power to share my faith with our children by having them baptized and raised as Catholics" - a significantly different kind of promise than the one you describe.

The non-Catholic partner signs or promises nothing. The priest who is helping the couple prepare for the marriage signs a declaration that the non-Catholic partner is aware of this affirmation and belief of the Catholic.

The couple then needs to work together to resolve their religious differences without either of them being asked to compromise their consciences. This has all been official Catholic procedure since 1970.

Beyond this, Catholic ecumenical directives emphasize that the church's primary concern in such marriages is to uphold the strength and stability of the indissoluble marriage union and the family life that flows from it.

Understandably, stability in a marriage is as a rule more easily assured when both partners share the same faith. Yet, as Pope John Paul II wrote some years ago, mixed marriages contain numerous elements that could contribute much to the marriage, particularly when both parties are faithful to their religious duties ("Familiaris Consortio," No. 78).

Toward this end, the prospective bride and groom are encouraged to establish contacts with each other's ministers and learn as much as possible about their partner's religious convictions and practices.

Since both partners may feel serious commitments to their respective religious denominations, they are encouraged to "discuss the Catholic baptism and education of the children they will have, and where possible come to a decision on this question before the marriage." (All these norms are found in the Official Catholic Directory on Ecumenism, 1993, Nos. 143-15 1.)

I realize your decisions are now finalized, and of course your age and your own children are considerable factors. From my experience, however, you both might have profited from some of these recommendations as you were weighing your options. At least they may be helpful to other couples presently anticipating a mixed marriage.