Catholic Couples: Please make love more often.

by Mitch Finley: Published in U.S. Catholic, December 1991

Where's the good news about sex? We live in a culture that talks about sex day in and day out. The advertising industry caresses our psyches with warm, enticing sexual fantasies each day because sex sells; and the entertainment media pummel us with upbeat sexual images and sly sexual innuendos. There is one place, however, where you can count on never hearing anything warm or upbeat about sex: your local Catholic parish.

True, the ad people and show-biz folks trivialize sex. Sitcom actors snicker as they mouth today's naughty little jokes about you-know-what, and the sexy males and voluptuous females on the billboards are two-dimensional in more ways than one. But the point is that the sex Madison Avenue and Hollywood spread about so freely is warm, attractive, and enticing. In their own hollow way, the billboards, magazine ads, TV commercials, and sitcoms make some positive statements: sex is good; sex is desirable; sex is wonderful.

Sure, if you take the trouble to search through various official church documents relating to sex and the world of a good many Catholic authors who have written about sex, you'll find plenty of positive writings. But words on pages don't cut the mustard. To begin with, few Catholics read this stuff. And even when they do, the language is almost guaranteed to render the reader comatose. People need messages that ring true to their own experience. There's plenty of good news about sex in scripture, tradition, contemporary theology, and modern church documents; but Catholics rarely hear about it. That's a crying shame.

In a culture saturated with images of sex that are superficial, depersonalized, and sometimes just plain silly, the church shakes its head; says, "Tsk, tsk"; and repeats boring formulas that give the rest of the world false impressions. Ask the person on the street what Catholicism thinks about sex, and you'll get a response something like this: "The Catholic Church thinks that sex is dangerous, quite possibly sinful, and not very nice."

Here's the public image that "everybody knows": the Catholic Church is antiabortion, anti-premarital sex, anti-pornography, anti-contraception, and against all kinds of things related to sex. It's no exaggeration to say that in the public mind, the Catholic Church tolerates sex only because that's how it gets babies. What fun, right? Well, it's time to improve this image. Catholicism rightly opposes anything that depersonalizes or trivializes human sexuality and sexual intimacy. But it only makes sense to accentuate the positive. Everybody knows what the church is against. But what are we for?

As Catholics, our fundamental presuppositions can be stated thus: because God created us as sexual beings, human sexuality is first of all good, not dangerous. Because it was God's idea, loving, pleasurable, sexual intercourse is wonderful, not a raging threat to our eternal destiny. In fact, shared sexual pleasure in marriage is a sacrament, a source of God's grace.

"But what about fallen human nature?" some will cry. "What about original sin? Because of this, sex is dangerous!" Malarkey. Granted, any part of human nature can express human selfishness and lovelessness, and it's no good pretending that somehow, mysteriously, the modern person has evolved beyond all this. At the same time, it's a simple fact that scripture, as well as the deepest and best in Catholic tradition and theology, places the emphasis on the goodness of human sexuality.

All the same, we can't seem to shake the feeling that sex is fundamentally embarrassing. Catholics need to hear the good news about sex. Yet when was the last time you heard anything from your parish, for example, that was positive or inspiring about sex? When was the last time you parish offered a talk on sexual pleasure in marriage?

Plenty has been written by "in the know" Catholics about how awful Father Andrew Greeley's novels are - "those novels" by "that priest" with "all that sex in them." But Greeley's novels are the only explicitly Catholic fiction you'll find on supermarket paperback racks, and they are there because they are in demand. One reason Greeley's novels sell big is that they link faith and sex in ways that proclaim the goodness of sexual intimacy, and people welcome this good news that validates the holiness of their experience. At the same time, readers of Greeley's novels often think that his attitudes are unorthodox, which, in fact is not true.

Catholics should try to change all this. Parishes should make it a priority to give sex a higher profile. When appropriate, homilies can include references to the goodness and importance of sexual pleasure in marriage. Valentine's Day should witness an all-out parish Lovers' Dance, complete with romantic music and a dimly lit dance floor. Dare one even suggest that Greeley's novels should be recommended from the pulpit for married couples? An informal survey reveals that couples who read Greeley's novels find that their lovemaking becomes a more pleasure-filled, grace-filled experience.

Sad to say, about the only time the typical Catholic parish feels okay about bringing up sex is to warn teenagers about its dangers or to help parents of teenagers cope with their anxieties about their teenage kids' sexual behaviors. The whole approach is problem-centered. Message: Sex is basically a problem, and that's about all we have to say on the topic. Such efforts are fine as far as they go, but no parish should hem itself in like this. Otherwise, all a parish does is continue to cultivate the feeling that sex is, you know, icky.

A study in a Catholic magazine a couple of years ago revealed that sexual intercourse is on the increase outside of marriage and on the decrease in marriage. Now this is just great. Catholic parishes should rise up in the face of such revelations and mount a massive pro-sex-in-marriage campaign. Instead of encouraging, by default, the insidious notion that there can be too much sex in marriage, Catholics should do all they can to promote exactly the opposite. How about a little note at the bottom of the parish bulletin: "Attention, married couples: please make love often. God appreciates it."

In a society where married couples tend to arrive at the end of the day exhausted, Catholic parishes should encourage in married couples a distinctively marital asceticism: strive to make time to make love. Offer this note in the bulletin: "How long has it been since you and your spouse has a weekend away together? Our upcoming fund-raiser will offer certificates for get-away weekends for married couples whose means don't allow them to do this sort of thing often. We believe in loving your spouse! Volunteer baby-sitters are available. Call the parish office for more information."

After married couples finish blinking in disbelief when they read such words, they will perceive a two-fold message: 1) Catholicism encourages spouses to make time to make love, and 2) our parish believe in this enough to put its money where its mouth is.

So important is this kind of thinking that on the national level the bishops should prepare and publish a pastoral letter encouraging parishes to promote sex in marriage. Such a letter would say: Be creative! Help spouses to enjoy their sexual intimacy because this is one of the most basic ways God thought of for married people to grow closer to God and each other. Spouses should not feel that they should restrain themselves from their natural (and supernatural) sexual inclinations. Fie on sexual restraint in marriage! Rather, spouses should recognize in their sexual attraction for each other God's grace at work in them.

Catholic dioceses should launch an annual "God Loves Lovers Day." Valentine's Day would be a good time for this, too. When it comes to sex, the church's public image is bleak; but some public-relations moves could change all that. Call it evangelization, which it is. Let's have billboards with big red hearts on them proclaiming that "God Loves Lovers, So Love Your Spouse Today!" Imagine those long ad spaces on the sides of buses filled with signs that declare: "Your Catholic Neighbors Remind You That God Loves Lovers." Imagine Catholic-produced, public-service radio and TV spots that encourage romantic intimacy in marriage.

With this kind of thing going on, people would begin to change their minds about Catholicism being against sex. We Catholics have much good news to proclaim about sex, and we live in a society that needs to hear this good news desperately. So what's stopping us? Embarrassment?