The English word "sin" comes from a biblical concept that means
"to miss the mark". The word is based on some assumptions: 1 -
That a person is trying to do something good or at least something that seems
"good" at the moment. 2 - However, the person's behavior
actually "missed the target" of "goodness" and was, in fact,
lacking in goodness and therefore was "evil" or "sinful." 3
- The degree to which a person is aware of the wrongness or evil and freely
chooses to go head with the sinful activity will determine the degree of
personal sin for which the person is responsible.
These elements of awareness (knowledge) and
personal freedom of
choice are critical because a person might well do sinful behavior and yet
remain ignorant of the evil/wrongness or might be aware of the sinfulness of the
action and yet not have the freedom of chose not to perform the action.
Example 1 - A mother might unknowingly give her child something to eat
that contains bacteria that might result in the death of the child. But
the mother is not a sinner because she was not aware of the bacteria.
Example 2 - A person might be threatened at gun point by a bank robber to
open the safe so the robbers could get money that does not belong to them.
The person would know this is wrong, but would likely believe that he/she was
not free to resist the threat of the robbers and judge that his/her life was
more valuable than the money in the bank, and thus would not be giving free
choice to the "sinful" behavior of opening the safe for the
robbers. Such a person would not be a sinner.
Note: Most of this content is taken
from "Let’s Make Love, the meaning of sexual intercourse" by Jack
Dominian [ISBN 0-232-52338-X].
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The phenomena of sexual intercourse
before marriage and couples "living together" prior to marriage have
become so common in 1st world countries that most people think of
this as "normal" (socially acceptable) behavior. Even though most
couples are
aware that this behavior is "forbidden" by Christian churches, they
usually think that their own sexual actions are "justified" because of
their love for one another and, perhaps, their plan to marry.
Why have the traditional norms of
abstaining from sexual intercourse prior to marriage almost completely disappeared? To answer this question it may be important
to recall that the past social/religious norms were developed as
responses/reactions to distorted ideas about pleasure and sex which impacted the
Christian community from the time of the 4th century. Church teachers
warned that the seeking of pleasure for it's own sake was sinful. The
Church not only taught sexual abstinence
prior to marriage, but also taught that sexual intercourse was primarily for
procreation and that is why it was appropriate only for married couples who
would/could provide the appropriate setting in which to produce and care for
children. While many/most adults have learned from personal experience that
human beings rarely engage in sexual intercourse "primarily for the purpose
of procreating children," this continued to be the standard teaching of
Christian churches well into the second half of the 20th century.
Even though more and more people were no longer “buying” the teaching of the
churches, until 1960 the fear of an unwanted pregnancy at least indirectly
backed up the teaching of the churches.
In
1960, the introduction of “the Pill,” made it possible to think that
"making love" need not result in pregnancy, and there was no reason
why "making love" needed to be reserved for marriage. In
addition, the social changes of the 1960s rejected the concept that pleasure was
sinful, and promoted the radically opposite concept: "If it feels good,
do it!" The message of
the churches about the dangers of pleasure and the concept of sexual abstinence
prior to marriage seemed completely irrelevant.
In dealing with the issues of sex
outside of marriage, Christian churches must learn how to restate the appropriate norms of
the past in the light of a deeper/fuller understanding of the meaning of sexual
intercourse.
Informed Christians (and churches)
today know and teach that "Sex is not just for procreation anymore!"
Since 1959,
Christian
churches
have been speaking of sexual intercourse as uniquely expressive of
the meaning of Christian marriage:
"Husband and wife become two in
one flesh in a reaffirmed lifelong union of indissolubility." (The Family
in Contemporary Society, Lambreth Conference 1958)
"This [marital] love is uniquely
expressed and perfected through the marital act . . . these actions signify and
promote the mutual self giving by which spouses enrich each other . . . . "
(Roman Catholic, Vatican Council II 1963)
"Above all, it [sexual
intercourse] communicates the affirmation of mutual belonging . . . "
(Marriage & The Church, Anglican 1978)
"Sexual love, including genital
acts when they express that love, shares in the divine act of loving with every
human activity which is creative, dedicated and generous . . . " (Methodist
Report 1980)
The churches are moving to a view that
human sexuality is primarily to be seen in its relational significance.
This relational significance is not necessarily, nor essentially, bound up with
the procreative function of sexual intercourse (because "love making"
is not always procreative). The quality of the
relationship is the prime criterion of sexual ethics. This thinking has
radical consequences for our understanding of the meaning of sexual intercourse.
If procreation is no longer the primary purpose of sexual intercourse (and most
human beings would agree that it is not!), then there is no logical reason for
arguing that it must be limited to marriage (as long as pregnancy can be
avoided). However, Christian churches now say that a fuller understanding of
sexual intercourse, which 20th century psychology has made possible,
reveals that the integrity of the act (of "love making") requires a relationship
of continuity, commitment, exclusiveness and faithfulness in order to do justice
to its personal and interpersonal meaning. [Note: This kind of
relationship IS Christian marriage as defined by Vatican Council II.]
This understanding shifts the
moral/ethical criteria from biology (emphasis on the integrity of the act)
to the quality of the relationship, and the ethics of sexual intercourse
is measured by the criteria of:
-
Commitment - the first criterion of successful sexual intercourse
is the committed love of two persons.
-
True love - the morality of sexual intercourse will include how
well each person is focused on tending to the needs of the other person.
-
Exclusiveness - so that each feels
safe in order to choose to be
vulnerable.
-
Faithful - now and into the future, so that all can be shared in
common and parenting is made possible.
-
Integrity - the physical act is important, but even more important
are the relational criteria by which the two persons join not merely their
bodies, but also their hearts and minds and spirits.
The responsibility of Christian
teachers is to present this information in a way that motivates those preparing
for marriage to conclude that the commitment
of married love is the logical and spiritual foundation for sexual
intercourse that is truly love making.
Couples
are taught to value sexual intercourse as "the" ritual which
speaks/confirms their commitment to one another as spouses.
There may be some room for debate about
whether this kind of commitment is possible for those who are not married. There
will be couples who will insist that they are "totally committed" and
thus it is appropriate to express their love by sexual intercourse even though
they are not (yet) married. But married people are more likely to understand
that "total commitment" is exceedingly rare unless and until one is
willing to make a public and permanent commitment to the other person, i.e.,
marry the other person. And it does not end there. The integrity of the
relationship will require that both persons invest in the kind of relationship
building that will sustain their marriage as a "communion of life and
love" all the days of their life.
As with all teaching, the best
teachers will begin by being witnesses of this kind of love. The value of this
kind of witness cannot be overestimated, because the most common accusation of
those
who are not married about those who are married is that "they no
longer love each other." While this accusation may not be 100% true, it may
be closer to the truth than many married couples would like to admit.
The challenge therefore is one that
can engage all of us . . . singles, dating couples, couples preparing for marriage,
married couples, and
clergy (celibate or married). If we want singles and even engaged couples to abstain in order to appropriately express their love in the
commitment of Christian marriage, those who are married (or living the public
commitment of celibacy) must be committed to being committed lovers in ways that
are transparent enough to convince those who are preparing for marriage that
sexual intercourse really is best when it is celebrated in marriage.
A
question I received from CatholicSingles.com
May 24, 2003
Dear
Father,
I am a
bit embarrassed to ask this question, but here goes...Where does the Church draw
the line on what constitutes "sex before marriage"? I have met several
Catholic women and I have found that no two women I have dated -- nor any two of
my Catholic friends -- agree on exactly where the line is to be drawn. The
answers have varied from rejecting a friendly good night kiss to anything goes
short of actual coitus and just about every imaginable answer in between.
I've read
the Catechism
which refers to "sexual love" being reserved for
marriage. It is my wish to live by the teaching of the Church, but does sexual
love include a good night kiss? How do I as a practicing Catholic draw the line
myself. Help!
Thanks in
advance for your counsel
Dear One,
Catholic traditions about love are
based on Jesus’ revelations that God is Three Persons related by love
relationships, and that we are created to live & love as adopted members of
God’s own Family: “I give you a new commandment: love one another…as I
have loved you. It is by your love for one another that everyone will recognize
you as my disciples…No one can have greater love than to lay down his life for
his friends…I call you friends because I have made known to you everything I
learned from my Father.” (John 13:34&35,
15:13
&15).
These teachings of Jesus are
counter-cultural (that is why you meet so many folks who hold ideas that are
different from what Jesus taught). Enemies are to be treated as friends. Slaves
and women are equal in dignity to men. Love relationships are characterized by:
service of the other (rather than focus on my needs), intimacy
(“into-me-see”), transparency (nothing hidden), and vulnerability (one
always risks one’s self in loving another). Sexual love is psychologically
healthy (not dirty!); it is also holy because it unites couples to one another
and also to God.
Catholics are taught to understand the ritual of sexual intercourse as meaning
Christian marriage. Then, in marriage, couples can rely upon sexual intercourse
as their special ritual that “speaks” their permanent and irrevocable
commitment to a life-long process of giving themselves totally to one another in
a manner that will sustain an intimate relationship that is also open to the
gift of children.
Sadly, it is always possible to engage
in love making (even sexual intercourse) while excluding the total giving and
commitment of marriage (for example, rape, prostitution, adultery, fornication,
even loveless/abusive sexual intercourse with one’s spouse!). Thus, the goal
of Catholic singles and dating couples is to never choose to exclude the full
positive meaning of love making and sexual intercourse. In order to accomplish
this goal, each couple is advised to plan together how to love and care for one
another as not (yet) married special friends.
Good planning will include four
elements: 1) Setting appropriate boundaries to avoid going “too far.” For
example, one couple might choose to limit kissing to “above the neck.”
Another couple may determine that it is best to avoid any caressing of genitals.
Most may decide that they will not spend the night together alone. 2) A plan for
dealing constructively with any over stepping of the self chosen boundaries
(confession/spiritual direction are traditional aids). 3) Daily prayer ~
privately and together ~ for God’s guidance in learning to love appropriately.
4) Periodic evaluation of the plan to determine how well it is working for both
of them and whether they want to make any changes in the plan.
Peace and Love,
Fr. Rob
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